Snuck in to your page to have a read!

A few quick off-the bat tips:
You don't indent the first paragraph after a title or subheading.
I'd suggest some experimentation with more advanced grammar where you can, it helps with drawing focus to descriptions to use a colon or semi-colon to tie linked ideas together, and helps checking inconsistencies when re-drafting (like the first paragraph: the forest (around them?) was hardly visible, they only had a bit of moonlight to see, followed by: it was a blessing that it lit the way, but it made them visible. Followed by: all around them though it was dark. some mixed ideas here on how light it is, I'd have described them running through the only available light if you're describing both that their light is dangerous but the rest of the forest is too dark)
Be careful with using too many commas: some of your sentences look like you're using them in place of parenthesis for asides, which is fine, but when you're also using them to tag other information in at the start, and a list, or to connect in a "but" or "however", things get complicated. You CAN sacrifice a comma before "but" if it gets to be too many commas (especially if you're using an aside like "I'd never do that but, on the other hand, you're not me."), but I'd suggest looking into some handy guides for colon and semi-colon usage (in basic, you can use a semi-colon between two unconnected clauses, or between longer lists that utilize commas inside them; and a colon exactly where you could use the more informal hyphen, to link to a dependent clause.)

I'd suggest a bit of spice to some of the dialogue too, the Lady gets a little dry and our heroes are rushing around, there's not much cursing or exclamation in the second instance, and longer sentences can be spiced up with the use of italics.

During dialogue, remember that if you're interrupting dialogue for narrative you typically use commas either side if you're linking back into the dialogue, especially when the dialogue is the same sentence. Breaking from dialogue does not mean capital letters for the narrative even if there's an exclamation or question in the dialogue, their grammar is separate and the narrative isn't the start of a sentence, it's a clause after a quote. Confusingly, the sentence before the end of dialogue linked to narration typically has a comma, question mark or exclamation, and not a period.

If you're opening up for a dialogue piece with narrative, typically you end the narrative with a comma - though you can also use a colon sometimes.
So you could have "<1st sentence>You're the one who's drawing them to us,(or!)" Fox growled, "<2nd sentence> Now keep running."
OR you could have "<All one sentence> You're the one who's drawing them to us," Fox growled, "now keep running."
OR Fox growled, "You're the one who's drawing them to us. Now keep running!"

Be careful with dialogue in general too, there's a couple of periods where there should be comas and capitalization is a little off.
https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/p.....-direct-speech here's a nice little guide

If Fox is a fox it makes sense to keep using his name a bit more, but I'd have liked some variation. Remember, with two people talking, because of the rule about new dialogue speaker starting a new paragraph you don't always need to say who just spoke. Either way, slipping in some "he said"s rather than proper nouns might make this read through a little faster since readers usually get used to skimming that quickly. It's also a nice place to remind us or slip in some information as opposed to simple character names. Like "the gruff hunter growled" or "the rogue muttered" or "the smaller man panted" or "the armored man huffed", you can paint their personality through the descriptions and also give the reader's eye a good idea of who is ahead, who is behind, if one of them is taller, etc. There'd be no harm in sprinkling in a bit more description here and there, even just eye color, hair color, clothing details etc. You have this great visual of the scene lit only in red, so it'd be neat to describe what THEY look like all in red, that color drinks up a lot of other colors.

There's a bit of a weird statement midway down the second page "The red light of the diviner shot out, not to shin on the disk, but to illuminate the two paths" Another good example of using a colon or hyphen to lead the sentence (also i assume a spelling mistake)
As much as you've likely always been told to use a comma before "but" in this case since you're using only commas, the compound sentence gets a little confusing.

Your description of the death knight gets a little muddled as well, what are we supposed to envision when you say "glowing red lines pulsed angrily as it creaked forward", since it comes after the red lights of his eyes, it's not clear if his eyes are lines? or if there's lines on his armor? and the previous paragraph was talking about the red light from the diviner too. With so many red's I'd be tempted to name one a thesaurus-ed red equivalent so we don't get mixed up when reading.


Still a very interesting story so far, I'll be sure to keep my eye on more!

I have to say, that is high praise coming from you,  SuddenlyTsumi. Thanks for the critique. And yes, that was a typo. I have a tendency to miss those occasionally. And thanks for the reference, as well. I actually received education at college on how to apply my grammar, but it's always good to have a refresher, and an outsider's perspective on the story, especially since I'm bound to make mistakes, no matter how well studied I may be in writing and editing. (Yes, I am skilled at the run-on sentence. :P Though I don't know if it should be called a skill, per-say.)

Though, for the record, that period there with the "Fox growled" was deliberate. Fox growled separately. He wasn't growling out the dialogue. The growling came afterwards. As for your other point, I understand the need to describe physical appearance. I suppose I must not have done a good enough job with Jason. I know I was detailed with Fox in the earlier chapters. And you will be learning his real name later, by the way. As for the death knight, it was referring to the lines along its armor itself, not just its eyes, though having it pulse from the eyes through the rest of the suit might paint a more vivid picture. And yes, commas, semicolons, and colons are the devil for me quite often. I always end up getting them mixed up, and when I do get them right, then I second guess myself, so I tend to just write it out, and trust the knowledge and habits I've established from school.

I hope that future physical descriptions will be easier for people to envision as the story progresses. Thanks again!

Not a problem ^^ I saw your comments on the OotBD comic and figured you deserved some comments in return for your consistent audience participation ^_^ (I wrote the current script, usually I mostly edit and tweak for Immy, and do the colors part.)

Oh, one last super important thing - the best advice I ever got during my whole Creative Writing degree: Always read everything you write aloud during the drafting process - it usually helps show where maybe words are in the wrong place or some of the description isn't quite right.
The BEST you can do is to perform it to a listener and have them read along with you to point out when you said a word differently or stressed certain parts (we used to have whole class workshops this way a handful of times a week, both for homework and for writing projects in class - poetry was the scariest!)

I've not read the first chapter, but it is always worth reminding the reader of appearance every now and then, even if it's just switching a name for a bit of a description.

I'll make sure to remember that for the next chapter I publish. Hopefully, it'll be a bit more descriptive. And seriously, how could I not love that comic? You and Immy make an amazing team.