Well done story. You used characters and dialogue to tell us the story which is a great foundation.

But look at this sentence:

�Brother, it is time.� Karuk monotonously said with a sneer. It was he who was first born, but lost the rights to the throne when he was caught engaging in sexual activities with a human. The two lions left the temple simultaneously.

Most of the second sentence is useless because Jaydens states this fact later on. Don’t tell the reader a fact when a character is going to state it again in the future. Let the characters reveal facts for the readers instead of outright telling them.

Also the dialogue some times has a Arthurian feel, making the characters sound cliché and unrealistic. Just let the dialogue flow out naturally and realistically.

I also saw this:

-�What?� Karuk whispered as he got his breath.

-�Nor can I.� Jaydens frown gives way to a smile as the vehicle turns onto the road leading to the Imperial Palace. Karuks frown deepens, but Jayden does not notice, and he most certainly does not see the hate brewing in Karuk�s heart, nor the lust for power growing in his own.

Observe the two sentences. You switch from using past sense to using present tense. This switch can cause some confusion for the reader. Instead, it would just be better to stick with one tense throughout the story.

Here’s a site that will help you choose: http://ask.metafilter.com/25815/Ver.....nse-in-fiction

Other than that, the stuff I mentioned, and the occasional error, I thought this story was pretty well made and enjoyed reading it. Can’t wait for the next entries.

Thanks for the tips, and I can see what you mean, and yeah, I always make the past tense/ present tense switch mistake. I just can't seem to keep that straight. This story I plabn on writing in Present Tense, I just need to be much more careful with that. and as for the dialogue, I'll keep your advice in mind. Thanks again

Your welcome.