
My first macro/micro story, sorry if it's complete shit but I just got a burst of inspiration and decided to write up a story about a giantess Avali from starbound
criticisms are welcome 'cause i know this story isn't quality
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A series of wet crunches and squishes emenated from below Laei as she walked through the street, but it would be more apt to say walked on the street, the crowds of fleeing people, and the small cars that barely gave each of Laei's three toed feet any resistance as the sweaty three-toed impliments of destruction and death landed on the tiny vehicles packed with people, crushing them like strawberry jam filled tin-cans with a satisfying crunch and a faint scream from the passngers, basically showing how weak the tinies structures are. The fleeing crowds weren't doing too well either, as even Laei's shortest strides landed three toes and the claws on their ends right into the thick of the crowds with seemingly no thought of mercy. The grey, nondescript people screamed and cried as Laei's feet pushed more and more onto them as they were forced into the pavement, some having their faces shoved right into the sweaty and quite dirty sole of the giantess Avali. It probably wouldn't have been the worst experience if say, she was softly stepping down on the crowd, but with the bone crushing force being applied, it was pretty shitty. Eventually their cries were interupted with the same wet crunches Laei was hearing (and almost blissfully enjoying). She giggled a bit as she walked forward again, putting her other foot down into another crowd and crushing the panicked and yelling crowd quickly, dragging her foot back into yet another crowd which left a trail of red on the black road surface. As each person died, a "+10 points" popped up above them. If she got a whole crowd in one crunchy stomp, that would show a "+100 points". Obviously, the rising score-count only visible to her showed she was going to go above her personal best in this simulation soon. She had to admit, while getting shitloads of points for destroying little people with her feet and sometimes her wings was fun, the real treat was the experience. Feeling of the crowds just "Pop" under her feet, hearing the screaming and crying, and noticing how a few of them even tried to worship her to stave off their deaths just made her so happy. Of course, the terrified people worship-attempts didn't do shit, and they got turned into red paste on the bottom of Laei's toes like all the other simu-people. "That won't help you, lil' guys! Try not being so small next time, maybe?" was all she said while compressing the tinies that were left, but something in the back of her mind thought up an idea, one that sounded pretty good. Maybe she should collect the ones willing to worship her almost goddess sized (to these simu-people) three-toed crowd crushing feet and toes and settle down on a large building, make them all just worship her toes and soles while she read a nice E-Book. Maybe she'd even spare them, after rubbing them deep into her sole first, but they'd spread the message throughout the simu-world that surrendering can save you from the avali's thick destroying toes. She'd have to do that maybe after the next simulation, as the edit in her size for that would make sparing any simu-people...difficult. She stopped thinking about that as she was turning a crowd into red paste under her toes and even inbetween the three feared impliments on each foot. Funny thing (to her, not to the tinies), she discovered between her toes were a prime hiding spot for the surviving simu-people in the stomped crowd. She loved taunting the trapped little ones by wiggling her toes and slightly them together, eliciting screams and weak begging from the toee-trapped simu-people before she scrunched her toes fully together and ended their short and slightly pathetic lives, crimson red "jam" spurting from between her toes. With that last "execution", she exited to the main menu of the simulation and checked the options for the next simulation. The base representation of her size in the simulation was compared to a mid-size apartment building, and the last simulation had her about equal to the size of the building. But, this next queued set of options? She was so big the respectable apartment building was dwarfed by her grey three toed foot, and at that size a single stomp wouldn't just smash a fleeing crowd, it'd turn atleast a few blocks of buildings into rubble along with the crowd. She yawned and stretched her arms as she checked the time, and sighed. "Guess I'll have to pay the simulation city a visit tomorrow, way too late for another game." Laei lastly set her spawn location to right next to a "massive" city square, and the population's AI to congregate in said square. She'd paint the "town" crimson red tomorrow, starting with the little people in that square, barely big enough for six or so three toed footprints of the soon to be goddess-sized Laei.
criticisms are welcome 'cause i know this story isn't quality
____________________________________
A series of wet crunches and squishes emenated from below Laei as she walked through the street, but it would be more apt to say walked on the street, the crowds of fleeing people, and the small cars that barely gave each of Laei's three toed feet any resistance as the sweaty three-toed impliments of destruction and death landed on the tiny vehicles packed with people, crushing them like strawberry jam filled tin-cans with a satisfying crunch and a faint scream from the passngers, basically showing how weak the tinies structures are. The fleeing crowds weren't doing too well either, as even Laei's shortest strides landed three toes and the claws on their ends right into the thick of the crowds with seemingly no thought of mercy. The grey, nondescript people screamed and cried as Laei's feet pushed more and more onto them as they were forced into the pavement, some having their faces shoved right into the sweaty and quite dirty sole of the giantess Avali. It probably wouldn't have been the worst experience if say, she was softly stepping down on the crowd, but with the bone crushing force being applied, it was pretty shitty. Eventually their cries were interupted with the same wet crunches Laei was hearing (and almost blissfully enjoying). She giggled a bit as she walked forward again, putting her other foot down into another crowd and crushing the panicked and yelling crowd quickly, dragging her foot back into yet another crowd which left a trail of red on the black road surface. As each person died, a "+10 points" popped up above them. If she got a whole crowd in one crunchy stomp, that would show a "+100 points". Obviously, the rising score-count only visible to her showed she was going to go above her personal best in this simulation soon. She had to admit, while getting shitloads of points for destroying little people with her feet and sometimes her wings was fun, the real treat was the experience. Feeling of the crowds just "Pop" under her feet, hearing the screaming and crying, and noticing how a few of them even tried to worship her to stave off their deaths just made her so happy. Of course, the terrified people worship-attempts didn't do shit, and they got turned into red paste on the bottom of Laei's toes like all the other simu-people. "That won't help you, lil' guys! Try not being so small next time, maybe?" was all she said while compressing the tinies that were left, but something in the back of her mind thought up an idea, one that sounded pretty good. Maybe she should collect the ones willing to worship her almost goddess sized (to these simu-people) three-toed crowd crushing feet and toes and settle down on a large building, make them all just worship her toes and soles while she read a nice E-Book. Maybe she'd even spare them, after rubbing them deep into her sole first, but they'd spread the message throughout the simu-world that surrendering can save you from the avali's thick destroying toes. She'd have to do that maybe after the next simulation, as the edit in her size for that would make sparing any simu-people...difficult. She stopped thinking about that as she was turning a crowd into red paste under her toes and even inbetween the three feared impliments on each foot. Funny thing (to her, not to the tinies), she discovered between her toes were a prime hiding spot for the surviving simu-people in the stomped crowd. She loved taunting the trapped little ones by wiggling her toes and slightly them together, eliciting screams and weak begging from the toee-trapped simu-people before she scrunched her toes fully together and ended their short and slightly pathetic lives, crimson red "jam" spurting from between her toes. With that last "execution", she exited to the main menu of the simulation and checked the options for the next simulation. The base representation of her size in the simulation was compared to a mid-size apartment building, and the last simulation had her about equal to the size of the building. But, this next queued set of options? She was so big the respectable apartment building was dwarfed by her grey three toed foot, and at that size a single stomp wouldn't just smash a fleeing crowd, it'd turn atleast a few blocks of buildings into rubble along with the crowd. She yawned and stretched her arms as she checked the time, and sighed. "Guess I'll have to pay the simulation city a visit tomorrow, way too late for another game." Laei lastly set her spawn location to right next to a "massive" city square, and the population's AI to congregate in said square. She'd paint the "town" crimson red tomorrow, starting with the little people in that square, barely big enough for six or so three toed footprints of the soon to be goddess-sized Laei.
Category Story / Macro / Micro
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 3.9 kB
Not bad, though I have a few suggestions:
* It could do with being broken into paragraphs for easier reading.
* To help further on that end, I would suggest double checking a sentence wherever there is an 'And' and consider breaking it into two separate sentances. This could assist in lowering run on sentences to more manageable chunks.
* Details are good, though maybe throwing in a few synonyms here or there would add a little variety and spice
Again you did pretty good for a first writing piece! Hope to see more and watch as you improve.... Also Avali are cute~
* It could do with being broken into paragraphs for easier reading.
* To help further on that end, I would suggest double checking a sentence wherever there is an 'And' and consider breaking it into two separate sentances. This could assist in lowering run on sentences to more manageable chunks.
* Details are good, though maybe throwing in a few synonyms here or there would add a little variety and spice
Again you did pretty good for a first writing piece! Hope to see more and watch as you improve.... Also Avali are cute~
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