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For the last few months, or well.. more so, a year, I have not felt myself. I have slumped into this dark void and I feel as if I slip deeper and deeper. I am slowly forgetting who I am, what I stand for and what I am passionate about. It has been quite devastating for me. This is the furthest I have been from feeling okay, and anytime I feel like that's changing, something else happens and it drags me farther. The constant fear of losing my father is always something that lingers, but yesterday I could have easily lost my sister, and that is even more devastating to think about right now. We are peas in a pod, I talk to her more than I talk to any other family members, and this alone, struck a chord wrong. I already dread losing my parents, I dont want to lose my little sister so soon.. especially when there is so much to look forward to! Life has just begun for her!
I know I haven't really been here since last year, with losing someone I considered a best friend, and then health trials with my little sister, and a bunch of BS at work, I started to slip into a really dark place.. and I slowly felt as if I were coming out of it, and events in 2017 just pushed me even farther back. While I can say, that losing that friend has been an eye opener, and a lot of toxicity has left my life, It has still affected me negatively, and its still something I think about quite often. It is funny how one change in your life, whether big or small, can corrupt every other aspect in your life.. For better or for worse.. The more it puts you into perspective, or more so, feels like a constant out-of-body experience, makes reality hard to differentiate from fantasy.
I don't even know why Im venting here, I don't even really post here anymore. But I guess take this as an apology for being super quiet. I am still around, I still semi-draw. I am trying to get myself back to where I was before my friend left, where I was on a routine, where I felt like an actual person. I was beginning to have a steady streaming fan-base, I had made more friends, was able to branch out and try new things often... But then I fell into a place where I cannot get out... and I am trying to be better, and get better. But sometimes, rekindling that fire inside of you is hard, and some pushes and encouragement is needed.
I apologize for this wall of text. Thank you guys for sticking around. I am trying. Just in a really rough spot in life.
I know I haven't really been here since last year, with losing someone I considered a best friend, and then health trials with my little sister, and a bunch of BS at work, I started to slip into a really dark place.. and I slowly felt as if I were coming out of it, and events in 2017 just pushed me even farther back. While I can say, that losing that friend has been an eye opener, and a lot of toxicity has left my life, It has still affected me negatively, and its still something I think about quite often. It is funny how one change in your life, whether big or small, can corrupt every other aspect in your life.. For better or for worse.. The more it puts you into perspective, or more so, feels like a constant out-of-body experience, makes reality hard to differentiate from fantasy.
I don't even know why Im venting here, I don't even really post here anymore. But I guess take this as an apology for being super quiet. I am still around, I still semi-draw. I am trying to get myself back to where I was before my friend left, where I was on a routine, where I felt like an actual person. I was beginning to have a steady streaming fan-base, I had made more friends, was able to branch out and try new things often... But then I fell into a place where I cannot get out... and I am trying to be better, and get better. But sometimes, rekindling that fire inside of you is hard, and some pushes and encouragement is needed.
I apologize for this wall of text. Thank you guys for sticking around. I am trying. Just in a really rough spot in life.
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I know things have been hard. Loosing family members or the fear there of is not a fun thing. (I lost two aunts within 9 hours of each other on the same Friday two years ago) But, know your not alone. You have friends who care about you. You have family that care about you, your mate cares about you. Your not alone. I know it can feel like our minds can take us into deep places, but know your emotional rut is not forever. You will pull out if it, slowly maybe, but you will. You only need to grab onto the rope and pull.
Guess I am really glad we got to know each other already more than one year ago. Who knows how it would have went then. Not having you as a part of my life would really suck, that's for sure. And I am understating that.
I really wish I could have done more to help you pushing up more, but...well...not easy in your own hole, but I guess I don't need to tell you about it. However, I kind of appreciate this your journal. I mean, I know you got your own problems there, but I always lose the grasp on your bearings there(hope this makes in my English translation as much sense).
But what I actually wanna say, dunno really how and always doubting about whether I actually can, but I am always there for you. I wanna be and give my best to it, no matter what. Just like you did. Or tried to, when I blocked you out. So, I hope you can keep yourself from the same stupidity.
I really wish I could have done more to help you pushing up more, but...well...not easy in your own hole, but I guess I don't need to tell you about it. However, I kind of appreciate this your journal. I mean, I know you got your own problems there, but I always lose the grasp on your bearings there(hope this makes in my English translation as much sense).
But what I actually wanna say, dunno really how and always doubting about whether I actually can, but I am always there for you. I wanna be and give my best to it, no matter what. Just like you did. Or tried to, when I blocked you out. So, I hope you can keep yourself from the same stupidity.
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