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Story / General Furry Art
Species Dragon (Other)
Size 50 x 50
File Size 7.6 kB
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Sort of a 'spur of the moment thing, I sat down and wrote this simple two page short story in just about an hour or so.
I left it open so it could be continued, maybe, but I want to hear reactions too. Especially about the characters name as I don't feel it was quite strong enough.
Unlike my other stories this one has no weight gain or inflation of any kind, it's just action. So again, please tell me what you think.
I left it open so it could be continued, maybe, but I want to hear reactions too. Especially about the characters name as I don't feel it was quite strong enough.
Unlike my other stories this one has no weight gain or inflation of any kind, it's just action. So again, please tell me what you think.
Category Story / General Furry Art
Species Dragon (Other)
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 7.6 kB
Listed in Folders
Gunstar, eh? I guess we'll find out why he's called that soon.
As a spur of the moment thing, I can see how this could be fun to write.
But I have some issues with it. First, there's no real problem introduced at the beginning. Without a problem, there's nothing to drive the story and eventually be resolved. By the time we do find a problem (the thugs), we already know Allan won't even sweat over it. He easily breaks a pickpocket's fingers earlier, and he sees these thugs coming too. Before the fight starts, we know it won't be any trouble for him, so it's not compelling or tense.
His words also seem to contradict his actions. His attitude says he doesn't want to be bothered, but he makes a big flashy entrance by slapping more gold on the table than the entire junkyard town is worth. Of course he's going to attract attention. Why isn't he trying be covert if he wants to be left alone?
But besides that flaw in logic, Allan doesn't seem to have any flaws at all. He's clearly powerful, he doesn't worry about money, he's straight-forward and uncomplicated. His attitude will keep the reader at arm's length and his strength will keep him from being challenged.
So, as a little set up for Allan to be a bad-ass, sure, it works. But I can't help wondering where you're heading with it?
As a spur of the moment thing, I can see how this could be fun to write.
But I have some issues with it. First, there's no real problem introduced at the beginning. Without a problem, there's nothing to drive the story and eventually be resolved. By the time we do find a problem (the thugs), we already know Allan won't even sweat over it. He easily breaks a pickpocket's fingers earlier, and he sees these thugs coming too. Before the fight starts, we know it won't be any trouble for him, so it's not compelling or tense.
His words also seem to contradict his actions. His attitude says he doesn't want to be bothered, but he makes a big flashy entrance by slapping more gold on the table than the entire junkyard town is worth. Of course he's going to attract attention. Why isn't he trying be covert if he wants to be left alone?
But besides that flaw in logic, Allan doesn't seem to have any flaws at all. He's clearly powerful, he doesn't worry about money, he's straight-forward and uncomplicated. His attitude will keep the reader at arm's length and his strength will keep him from being challenged.
So, as a little set up for Allan to be a bad-ass, sure, it works. But I can't help wondering where you're heading with it?
Well if I decide to pursue this story, the course I actually have charted is about another kid who joins him. Think of this as like chapter one for a manga series, Chapter two would introduce the kid who winds up traveling with him and explains more about his actions. So we'd learn abut him more through the eyes of the kid as they both set off on an adventure.
As for his actions at the bar, he'd explain them to the kid, but so there's no confusion right now, the simple fact of it is he was after that bounty from the start. He flashed the money to get the thugs to come after him and goaded them into fighting as one of the few general laws of bounty hunting says that the that the target must attack first if their to be brought in dead. Otherwise it's just seen as a murder and the hunter could be the one arrested. I know it seems like an unfair law but I have a reasoning behind it which, again, I'll explain if I do more of this series.
As for his actions at the bar, he'd explain them to the kid, but so there's no confusion right now, the simple fact of it is he was after that bounty from the start. He flashed the money to get the thugs to come after him and goaded them into fighting as one of the few general laws of bounty hunting says that the that the target must attack first if their to be brought in dead. Otherwise it's just seen as a murder and the hunter could be the one arrested. I know it seems like an unfair law but I have a reasoning behind it which, again, I'll explain if I do more of this series.
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