Its amazing how many people in my life have pushed my buttons until I have snapped internally, ending up the villain because I find it hard to control my impulsive emotions and actions.

I am medicated, and under watch for suicidal tendencies - due to the dangerous nature of my impulse control problems. This is all anxiety, psychosis and EUPD related. The fact is, when I snap, I can barely remember what goes on. Its like another part of my brain I dont have control over, takes over and thats the end of it. I get into trouble, I get into fights, I hurt myself, I try to fatally injure myself.

Yes, i've had people my ENTIRE life push my triggers until I snap. Just to look like i'm some kind of psychotic idiot incapable of self-control...and I end up the bad-guy.

My mental illnesses are hard enough to deal with every day, but when i'm pushed into corners and abused, teased, bullied into reacting, its not fair I should have to fight off bad thoughts when they've been forced on me.

I have had people say ''If your illness is so bad, why aren't you in a mental institution/hosptalized'' - my answer is this. I hide it to a degree where it hurts inside and destroys my life. I'm a nervous wreck of a person nowadays. I don't want my family to worry, I don't want my illness to win. I won't let it take over my mind.

Its a difficult situation, i've been offered to voulentarily go into hospital, get treatment, but I don't want anyone to worry about me, and besides, there are other people in this world worse off than me. I am barely managed by medication and locking myself indoors so I dont feel stress levels rising.

Its a bad way to handle it, but its been that way since I was a child.

So yes, I am mentally unwell. I can sit and look composed, I can hide it, but when the cracks show - don't blame me when I turn into a monster.