I have this for so many years now, everyday. Wake up, don't even know why i should get up. You hate me, you never even liked me. I don't even know what you expect me to be. I tried to be with you, I tried to be what you wanted me to be and you still don't like me. Am I just different from you, are you somebody else? I even hate myself, like you do it. We have so much in common, you know that. I still don't know where I'm gonna be in 5 years, i don't know where I'm gonna be tomorrow. I just want to know why I do this, but i am never able to find out, what this all is about. I don't feel anything for you, i just hope you can help me out of this. That I am not alone in this god damn place. I look in the mirror and all i see is just myself. Someone i don't want to see. I feel like nothing, I am nothing. I wonder what death is about. If I can just go somewhere else, where I can be happy. Someday I even feel better. I know there is something else. There are good times. You never where there with me. I was always alone. The world can be beautiful out there. I feel so free out there, I am so happy. I tried to be there as often as i could and you still never were with me. But the more I was there the more I realized I am lonely. And one day you came with me to see that place. It was horrifying, it all became darker and darker every time, i just realized more and more things with you. I even realized what i was doing to myself all the time. I can't even look in the mirror anymore. I have scars on my arms. I just hope I could die some day, I am just too afraid of the pain that comes with it. I know I don't want to go on like that. I can't do that anymore. As I change my school, because I just got bad grades and all of those people there hate me, i decide that I want to change my life I want to become someone. I don't want to be nobody anymore. As the first weeks pass by and I want to make new and real friends I feel good. Finally a new surrounding, new people. As if I could restart my life. But as the time passed by, it becomes just like before. Some of the people there are bullying me. I still feel lonely so often when i come home. I go to that place again where I always am. Just to see you again. Just to be happy again for a bit. And suddenly I realize what you are. You are the one that told me to hate myself. You are the reason why I feel nothing. You are the one that I thought that can make everything better. I hate you. I can't trust you. You tell me lies every time. I never want to see you again! I try to go on my way and to be good in school, good with my friends. I want to find what I am looking for so long. I want to find myself, I want to find my place in this world, the place where I belong. And all the time when I'm feeling bad again, you are back. You are just another part of myself, a part I don't want. A part of me I don't even understand. I just want you to be gone, but you are the only one who is left when i feel bad. You are the only one , that is always there. And I can't do nothing about it that you are still there and talking to me. You are like a piece of myself noone else fits into. As I meet my first boyfriend and come along with him so well, it feels like he is ripping out that broken piece of me and replaces it. As the problems get worse and I feel like my boyfriend is the wrong person for a long and happy relationship, you come back and start to take back your part in me. You didn't change, you are still the same. I don't want you to be back. I never want to see you again. I can't let you take this place back. So another few months went by and my heart was breaking more and more and my boyfriend leaves this whole in my heart. But I have to break up. I can't go on with him. I have to hurry I know you are back in that place. You even talk to me again. I'm trying not to listen to you as I try to find another one that can feel this place in my heart. I evolved so much in that relationship, I had so much fun with my boyfriend, it was so fullfilling. But I can't go back to him, he is a fucking wrong person. Soon I should meet my second boyfriend. That guy makes me feel better, so much better again. But you are still here, I can't help it. The first time i only meet you one time. But as the time goes by and the interest of my boyfriend in my gets less and less, you begin to be there so often. You are telling me it's about me my boyfriend has no interest in meeting me on the weekend and I am just a worthless shit in comparison to the other friends he has. I have to fill this space in my heart. I need someone else to replace that broken piece. But I love my boyfriend, i can't do this to him. It is all just my fault, I am just not worth it. I should be glad i have him. I meet many people, just in hope someone can fix my heart. You are so strong again. Fuck you! You are not me, you are just a part of me. I don't want you.... One day I meet another guy, we were writing for a long time. He tells me he is quite depressed with his situation and all around that. On this rainy evening we are out for so long. It is raining in streams and we just have two bottles of red wine and us to keep us warm. We are talking all night. At home was still my boyfriend waiting for me and he got really mad about that guy I was out with. Some time later I feel ready to break up with my boyfriend, because even if he is a nice guy and we had much fun together and experienced so stupid things. He is just not the one that can fix my heart. I think for a long time about it and I meet that guy, which i was out with on that rainy night, more often and fuck i feel more and more for him. I feel like i can relate to him. All this fucked up situations with you. All this hate on myself. Trying to cope life all the time and not even understanding myself and talking to you. You, only a piece of my mind. A fucking piece that tells me to hurt myself. That I should die, because noone really likes me. Everything's better when I'm gone. I can talk with my boyfriend about things i was never able to really talk about. Everybody I was talking to before couldn't really understand me in that way or just wasn't able to help me. It is a long and hard process to get to his heart, because we both just couldn't trust in other humans easily. I am even about to break up sometimes, because I think it's senseless with him. You are also telling me things I don't want to hear, but i still believe you somehow. You still make me think so much wrong things. But more and more you start to weaken and my relationship with my boyfriend becomes better and better. I just hear you sometimes, but now i feel strong enough not to listen to you. My boyfriend and my other friends I met are taking your place. Sometimes, when I can't stand on my own feet or I'm about to fall down, I know that they are there, to help me up. I know you are still there somewhere. You will never be gone, as you are a part of me and my life. But I know now I can go on with my life now, I have a perspective now. Thanks to all those people and thanks to my boyfriend. I never want to give up!


Happy 20th you fuck!


To my boyfriend:
Thank you for everything. Thank you that I can be with you and that you are the piece in my heart and don't leave my side.
You are the warmth in my heart, you are the reason it still beats and the bad feelings i have don't last long. I love you <3

Art by  Silbermeow Thank you for that lovely and beautiful art.