Numb.

So this is me. I wanted to draw something soft, but at the same time expressing how I feel.

I feel numb. I feel like a plaything to others when my feelings aren't taken into consideration. Others have problems, yeah. But they're not the only ones.

One of the things that popped into my head was that I apologized a lot. So much so that it felt like it lost meaning when it wouldn't be accepted. But an apology isn't always there to say I'm -wrong- and you're -right-. Sometimes it's meant to say I value a relationship more than my own ego. My own pride. But I see that I'm not worth the trouble. I'm not worth much to anyone.

My heart's been crushed and bruised, and all I can do is hide my heart like the plaything others make it out to be.
I've had a lot of trouble. I've clung to everything that I had and all I'm left with is myself.

I want something to go my way for once. I want to belong somewhere other than a corner that I'm forced to hide my heart in to keep it away from those that prey on it. I want something nice for a change rather than being discarded and dejected every time I turn around.

All I've wanted was to be shown some appreciation, to be given some trust, and offered a chance. It's foolish of me to think it's worth it if I have to beg for it. I'm done begging. I'm done giving and giving with nothing to show for it.

...I'm done apologizing to those that it'll never be enough for.

I've been hurt enough in my life to carry an enormous weight on my shoulders, for several people over. All I want is for someone to show me it's all worth it to continue on. I struggle. I don't have a lot of confidence because it's broken down a lot by others. I'm not very assertive. I have my fucking flaws. And I've overlooked the flaws of others until what little patience I have wears thin again...and I still try to.

So here in this image, I'm by myself again. My biggest fear made reality; being along. A numbing ache.

I may have to be hurt to get to this state, but I don't deserve it. I don't deserve the pain I've felt this year. I've tried to be nice, I've tried to make others smile however I can...but through all my efforts, I've still been cast aside because -I'M- the person that has problems. -I- have to be dragged through the mud under some conviction that EVERYONE ELSE has to be a victim on their own. I can't be a victim, myself. I'm not allowed. The person that cries the loudest is the one that gets the pity.

You can fucking have the pity. I don't want it. I want understanding.

I want to be treated kindly and fairly. I already have a hard enough life.

This puppet's heart won't be so easy to find anymore. It's been ripped out, crushed, poisoned, and chewed on to ensure there's so little the next person will get out of this bleeding heart.

If you want my heart back...good luck finding it. It won't be easy. The damage is done. I hope you're proud of yourself.