TW: For suicidal thoughts/self harm, etc.

I've really been struggling with paranoia episodes recently, which usually result in auditory/visual hallucinations, panic attacks, and nightmares. It doesn't help with my urges to self harm, intrusive thoughts or suicidal impulses, so instead of resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms I tried to draw out how I was feeling instead.

When paranoia hits, it feels like my body is exploding with the feeling of impending doom, and I am certain I am going to be hurt or killed--eyes are everywhere and inescapable, and nothing and nowhere feels safe. The only way I feel I can get away is to tear myself apart and drown all of the horrible sensations out until I finally die. I can trust no one in this state, not even my own mind. It is when I'm a mess the most, when I can't control my thoughts and when I feel the most worthless and afraid. I can't even find respite after the fact because I know when I go to sleep I'll have nightmares and just wake up and feel afraid all over again. A good night's rest is a rare blessing for me.
I don't like to be alone. My anxiety is at an all time high and reaching logic is impossible no matter how hard I try. After losing my emotional support animal, Nimbus, in the hurricane I am unable to bring myself down from these feelings--it's merely a waiting game, and I usually just have to lock myself in a room without windows and facing away from mirrors and urge surf until I feel safe again.

I don't like to be alone.

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But hey, this art looks really good and was actually terrifically therapeutic for me to draw out. I'm proud of it, and the emotion it holds is near and dear to my heart.