Well time and time again I can't seem to stop thinking about my ex. A long time ago, around the time I told him I was a furry. I asked him what animal he would be, and he said a peregrine falcon. So I figured why not sit down and figure out what I think he would look like as one :<. he'll probably not be fond of this as he wasn't really into the whole furry thing or animals in general but whatever ;-;. actually, I think me being a furry and my making suits is partially what made him decide to break up with me. Since all was great until around the time I started making suits, either that or it was just all in odd timing.

I wont rant too much or anything and I don't want sympathy. But I just really miss him, I mean we talk occasionally on steam but it's usually pretty brief. I really miss him and not only in a lover's sense, I miss having my friend. He was my closest and most prized friend that I would have done just about anything for. I could have told that man anything and I'm honestly still recovering from losing him so suddenly. I used to wake up and think "oh I should hurry downstairs Hezja's probably waiting for me!". Even after he broke up with me I still had that mentality, but I would sit down here and just be alone sitting at the computer doing nothing or playing tf2... or if I was out shopping I would think that I should hurry back to talk/play with him. Still to this day feel like I should be on the computer even though there's no real reason to be here. I still think about him non-stop and have dreams of him to this day, he was even in one last night. I don't tell him hes made an appearance in my dreams anymore though, I used to but now he would probably just think I'm stupid, tell me it doesn't matter to him, or something along those lines.

It's just horrible I'm constantly thinking about him. The biggest problem is I still have the mindset that I am taken and think about him the whole time I'm by another guy and think I shouldn't be doing anything with anyone else. I quite honestly don't think I really want anything to do with anyone in that sense at all anymore. Unless something big changes some time very soon, it seems as though this girly will be staying single for a long time. Which sadly, I'm ok with. I loved Hezja more than anyone will ever know and I don't know if I really need anyone else. I've experienced love and that's enough for me at this time. Though I've always been fiercely independent anyway so maybe it will be better that way. Though I won't say I ever regret dating him, I will say I regret anything and everything I did that caused us to become this distant. I would do anything to have my friend back. I've been very lonely but none of my friends are like him, there was just something so different about him. I try to let go, but suddenly I start to wonder if there's more to the story. Though it doesn't matter either way in the end, because he'll fall in love again and there were others before me. It's hard to say goodbye, but it's even worse to live a lie.

-just as i was about to submit this, he logged on and i jumped at the chance to say good morning right away >.>; and apparently he would play rakion with me sometime since he has the urge to play the game, he even said he would go on vent with me! ive missed him so much and i am delighted he wanted to play a little rakion with me.