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Ok, for all of you guys and gals who have seen and read "On Stage" Here is a teaser WIP of the sequel tentitively titled "Happy Endings"
As of right now, I do not have a player for the role of Master/Mistress. I am commissioning
lolita again for the sequel pic. So here is the gist of the idea, if you want a chance to be in the story and get a copy of the pic, note me via PM refs of your character that you would like to be in the pic and story and what you would like to see in the pic. You can use as many characters as you want, but if you name them, only put one name per post here or pm. I have a .doc that is numbered and will post your character's and your name and in two weeks, I will announce the ONE winner.
If you post what your character will do in the pic in a reply here, that idea and character will be disqualified. I am sorry, but that is the rule and I will not violate it for anyone.
Please on a side note, I need feedback on this
As of right now, I do not have a player for the role of Master/Mistress. I am commissioning
lolita again for the sequel pic. So here is the gist of the idea, if you want a chance to be in the story and get a copy of the pic, note me via PM refs of your character that you would like to be in the pic and story and what you would like to see in the pic. You can use as many characters as you want, but if you name them, only put one name per post here or pm. I have a .doc that is numbered and will post your character's and your name and in two weeks, I will announce the ONE winner. If you post what your character will do in the pic in a reply here, that idea and character will be disqualified. I am sorry, but that is the rule and I will not violate it for anyone.
Please on a side note, I need feedback on this
Category Story / All
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 115 x 120px
File Size 27 kB
I'm not going to soften any thing ok. This could be better. I know it's a wip but please lay off the "random game" and "Furry fans" lingo. it breakers the story and train of thought.
ok my raw notes. as well as a program you should look into. I hope this does not offend you.
Typing while listening to it.
(Handed to the “fur”.)
Instead of fur give him/ her a designation like Bear or Fox. Because we never refer to each other as that human no it’s American, guy or some sort of title to be used easily to identify the character of the individual in question.
Last fur Instead of Fur for this one use One as a general term. We call them furs as an inside “click thing” and it sounds annoying.
“JHEREMIE!” Snapped Kix angrily, “If you wish to find yourself in his position as well, keep your muzzle shut. Your job is to process Ainoko for his trip to the education facilities.”
Ok now you should be reworded Start with description then move to threat.
What’s with the gold thing? Try introducing a new currency and stop using random replacements of standard language with furry and game lingo instead of flushing it out. makes it come out kind of
“was frightened”
We know that this is his former lover try a new descriptive.
Beyond that it needs alot of fleshing out.
Try using a Text to sound program. it's a bit jerky but having a second "voice" helps get rid of that "yeah I'm awesome/ this sounds bad ass." problem that ruins good writing. I use Read Please (is program not request)
settings
Speed -1
Voice - English Mery
>.>' off to #2
ok my raw notes. as well as a program you should look into. I hope this does not offend you.
Typing while listening to it.
(Handed to the “fur”.)
Instead of fur give him/ her a designation like Bear or Fox. Because we never refer to each other as that human no it’s American, guy or some sort of title to be used easily to identify the character of the individual in question.
Last fur Instead of Fur for this one use One as a general term. We call them furs as an inside “click thing” and it sounds annoying.
“JHEREMIE!” Snapped Kix angrily, “If you wish to find yourself in his position as well, keep your muzzle shut. Your job is to process Ainoko for his trip to the education facilities.”
Ok now you should be reworded Start with description then move to threat.
What’s with the gold thing? Try introducing a new currency and stop using random replacements of standard language with furry and game lingo instead of flushing it out. makes it come out kind of
“was frightened”
We know that this is his former lover try a new descriptive.
Beyond that it needs alot of fleshing out.
Try using a Text to sound program. it's a bit jerky but having a second "voice" helps get rid of that "yeah I'm awesome/ this sounds bad ass." problem that ruins good writing. I use Read Please (is program not request)
settings
Speed -1
Voice - English Mery
>.>' off to #2
Thanks for the imput. I know some things do sound cliche in the story, but the world I am seeing as I write this is somewhat similar to ours in some ways but completely different in others. I use the term gold for the currency as for now it works until I figure out something better. The term 'fur' may be a click thing, but his world, there are many different species, and 'fur' is a general term for 'person'. This is not meant to play on the furry cliche but as his societies language flows.
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