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This is one of the assignments 
-kitsune gave me.
"For your next assignment, I want you to try this practice with an action scene. Describe two gladiators fighting at sunset. If the sun sets before one wins, they're both going to be killed. Write all 5 sense and really get inside their heads. Describe their senses.
Then when you get that done, we'll try to refine it down."
This turned out already having a good balance of details, so he had me skip the next assignment. Enjoy!
-kitsune gave me."For your next assignment, I want you to try this practice with an action scene. Describe two gladiators fighting at sunset. If the sun sets before one wins, they're both going to be killed. Write all 5 sense and really get inside their heads. Describe their senses.
Then when you get that done, we'll try to refine it down."
This turned out already having a good balance of details, so he had me skip the next assignment. Enjoy!
Category Story / Human
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 114px
File Size 54 kB
Here are the things I saw you might want to improve on:
- Try to instead of making lots of little 1-2 sentence paragraphs to instead combine them into a longer one. If you are giving a description of a building (in this case the arena) it would be considered one thought and though you are describing different parts of the arena it is all the same building.
- You seem to be jumping around the place, from describing the arena to describing the men and then back to the arena again. Usually if you are going to describe environment I would suggest getting it all done at once, no matter where you want to put that description in the story itself.
- Description, description, description. I can't say it enough. You do a little bit of imagery which helps me feel the setting of the place. However, the actions the two fighters take seem blurry. If you did mention their weapons, shields, or armor you did not do it will enough for me to remember. Also since this is about these men fighting for their lives I was hoping for inner emotions and to feel the strain each of them were feeling.
- All in all it was decent enough, but it kinda reminded me of a forum or email based roleplay where action bounces back between one person then the other. It seems....shallow I guess is the best way I can describe it. Needs more depth to allow people to become immersed in the scene fully.
- Try to instead of making lots of little 1-2 sentence paragraphs to instead combine them into a longer one. If you are giving a description of a building (in this case the arena) it would be considered one thought and though you are describing different parts of the arena it is all the same building.
- You seem to be jumping around the place, from describing the arena to describing the men and then back to the arena again. Usually if you are going to describe environment I would suggest getting it all done at once, no matter where you want to put that description in the story itself.
- Description, description, description. I can't say it enough. You do a little bit of imagery which helps me feel the setting of the place. However, the actions the two fighters take seem blurry. If you did mention their weapons, shields, or armor you did not do it will enough for me to remember. Also since this is about these men fighting for their lives I was hoping for inner emotions and to feel the strain each of them were feeling.
- All in all it was decent enough, but it kinda reminded me of a forum or email based roleplay where action bounces back between one person then the other. It seems....shallow I guess is the best way I can describe it. Needs more depth to allow people to become immersed in the scene fully.
ok, first... I really liked it. ^_^
Critique:
First paragraph has a little odd imagery with the heat having arms, but that's ok I guess. Should be elabroated on a bit more.
I'm going to agree and say... make your paragraphs longer. Specifically descriptive paragraphs. It's ok to have paragraphs with only a sentence or two, but if they are all like that it tends to give it a more disjointed feel.
There are some differences in word choice and punctuation that I would have used to give more emphasis and ease of reading. For example:
"The sun shined down on the empty fields of the Coliseum in the middle of the afternoon"
I would do as "The sun shone down on the empty field of the Coliseum in the middle of the afternoon"
"“KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!” the crowd cheered; their violent desires ignited by the sight of a growing puddle of blood in front of the combatants before the man pulled the sword out of his arm."
I would have done as:
"“KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!” the crowd cheered! Their bloodlust having been ignited by the sight of the growing pool of gore in front of the combatants as the man pulled the sword violently from his arm."
Again, it's just word choice and emphasis, but it can be effective. Of course, everyone has their own style.
Other than that, I would say conclude with a bit more drama. You draw out the last paragraph with a bit too much description. That could be useful earlier, but it leaves the ending feeling a little abrupt. So for example, I would have written "and a unique routine of gestures that he created and was his trademark" as "raising his hand in his trademark gesture, making the crowd go wild as he basked in their adoration"
Just some suggestions. I like the pace of the battle and the overall theme. Great switch for the winner, too. XD
Critique:
First paragraph has a little odd imagery with the heat having arms, but that's ok I guess. Should be elabroated on a bit more.
I'm going to agree and say... make your paragraphs longer. Specifically descriptive paragraphs. It's ok to have paragraphs with only a sentence or two, but if they are all like that it tends to give it a more disjointed feel.
There are some differences in word choice and punctuation that I would have used to give more emphasis and ease of reading. For example:
"The sun shined down on the empty fields of the Coliseum in the middle of the afternoon"
I would do as "The sun shone down on the empty field of the Coliseum in the middle of the afternoon"
"“KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!” the crowd cheered; their violent desires ignited by the sight of a growing puddle of blood in front of the combatants before the man pulled the sword out of his arm."
I would have done as:
"“KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!” the crowd cheered! Their bloodlust having been ignited by the sight of the growing pool of gore in front of the combatants as the man pulled the sword violently from his arm."
Again, it's just word choice and emphasis, but it can be effective. Of course, everyone has their own style.
Other than that, I would say conclude with a bit more drama. You draw out the last paragraph with a bit too much description. That could be useful earlier, but it leaves the ending feeling a little abrupt. So for example, I would have written "and a unique routine of gestures that he created and was his trademark" as "raising his hand in his trademark gesture, making the crowd go wild as he basked in their adoration"
Just some suggestions. I like the pace of the battle and the overall theme. Great switch for the winner, too. XD
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