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I have decided to repost my latest story with rewrites and revisions taken from you, my loyal watchers! Let this be a way of showing the difference the readers can make to the writer and their stories! The original story will be sent to scraps.
It was done originally as an assignment from my Sensei Brian, AKA
-Kitsune
Enjoy! And critique is welcomed and encouraged!
It was done originally as an assignment from my Sensei Brian, AKA
-KitsuneEnjoy! And critique is welcomed and encouraged!
Category Story / Human
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 79px
File Size 9.9 kB
First appearance, nice length on the story overall. Still to me the length of the individual paragraphs could use work, at least in future pieces that you do. Also I did notice in the second paragraph some odd wording as follows:
Both stood in the exact center, were roughly the same height, and each stared down the other.
I know what you were trying to say but not everyone would. Having the word "were" in the description of how tall they are is a little off. Also I have to say that on first glance you still seem to be jumping around a bit with actions and descriptions of things. Next time I would suggest maybe doing a mental timeline of events. Even if it takes a little longer to produce something (like myself) you can produce something better when you do.
Be careful of using words to many times in a paragraph or even every few paragraphs. Using more descriptive words is great, and I am glad to see much more detail. However, do not do it at the cost of repetitiveness. Try check out an online thesaurus if you need to find several words for one if you need :) Noone will blame you and I know I do it sometimes.
YAY! I see more detail in the fighting, making much more than a blur of action and better defined in the image I have in my head. Good job. Could be more, but that is a personal preference I think. I l-o-v-e reading out detials. To me the more details you get in the more the person will feel anything unexpected that happens. Why do you think people cry when reading a good book or watching a movie? The two mediums provide in depth relationships, actions, and feelings of everything that is important for the story.
Both stood in the exact center, were roughly the same height, and each stared down the other.
I know what you were trying to say but not everyone would. Having the word "were" in the description of how tall they are is a little off. Also I have to say that on first glance you still seem to be jumping around a bit with actions and descriptions of things. Next time I would suggest maybe doing a mental timeline of events. Even if it takes a little longer to produce something (like myself) you can produce something better when you do.
Be careful of using words to many times in a paragraph or even every few paragraphs. Using more descriptive words is great, and I am glad to see much more detail. However, do not do it at the cost of repetitiveness. Try check out an online thesaurus if you need to find several words for one if you need :) Noone will blame you and I know I do it sometimes.
YAY! I see more detail in the fighting, making much more than a blur of action and better defined in the image I have in my head. Good job. Could be more, but that is a personal preference I think. I l-o-v-e reading out detials. To me the more details you get in the more the person will feel anything unexpected that happens. Why do you think people cry when reading a good book or watching a movie? The two mediums provide in depth relationships, actions, and feelings of everything that is important for the story.
ok... I can see so many improvements upon the original here. I have to say... looking much better, and I really liked the original.
So critique:
Excellent work on added descriptions, but I have to agree with TherianWriter on repetition. While useful in some instances, it can also detract if a word is overused. It tends to stick out more and more each time the reader sees it until it's like the gonging of a bell somehow.
You did well in making the paragraphs longer, but I would say... more. Also, it would be good to add some transition sentences as it looks like you lengthened some paragraphs just by sticking them together. It's not... horrible, but it feels very abrupt in some instances. For example, the first paragraph:
" The sun shone down on the empty field of the Coliseum in the middle of the afternoon; the blazing inferno it left behind was impossible to ignore by anyone as its arms reached out and strangled the feelings of calm collectiveness. The arena everyone was gathered within was made of stone that appeared to all be carved out of a huge single mass."
Yeah, it works because you did mention the Coliseum in the first sentence, but you are describing the stifling heat more than anything else here. Then, it's just sort of a paragraph about how hot it is with a sentence tacked on that the coliseum is made of stone. I would have made this two paragraphs and done one about the heat and one about the coliseum itself.
That being said... excellent work on cleaning up the last paragraph. It feels much more final and dramatic this way and just sort of flows better.
Another small sticking point with me... and this is just an aesthetic thing more than anything else, but... Pick a single way to represent thoughts. It's just harder (at least for me) to read if some thoughts are in quotes and some are just italicized. For me it makes me picture the quotes as being spoken aloud and then breaking my immersion in the story when it both seems out of place and turns out to have been a thought. *shrug* For examples, see:
"“It’s all over.” thought the triumphant gladiator as he slowly moved towards his defeated but still alive foe with a victorius smile carved onto his face."
vs.
"No! They don't get to choose if I earned to right to live! The defeated gladiator thought as he stretched his arm out as far as it could go." (hopefully I got the code right and that represents where the italics were in the original. FA doesn't copy it well. heh...
It's some excellent, excellent improvement, though. Very good work!
So critique:
Excellent work on added descriptions, but I have to agree with TherianWriter on repetition. While useful in some instances, it can also detract if a word is overused. It tends to stick out more and more each time the reader sees it until it's like the gonging of a bell somehow.
You did well in making the paragraphs longer, but I would say... more. Also, it would be good to add some transition sentences as it looks like you lengthened some paragraphs just by sticking them together. It's not... horrible, but it feels very abrupt in some instances. For example, the first paragraph:
" The sun shone down on the empty field of the Coliseum in the middle of the afternoon; the blazing inferno it left behind was impossible to ignore by anyone as its arms reached out and strangled the feelings of calm collectiveness. The arena everyone was gathered within was made of stone that appeared to all be carved out of a huge single mass."
Yeah, it works because you did mention the Coliseum in the first sentence, but you are describing the stifling heat more than anything else here. Then, it's just sort of a paragraph about how hot it is with a sentence tacked on that the coliseum is made of stone. I would have made this two paragraphs and done one about the heat and one about the coliseum itself.
That being said... excellent work on cleaning up the last paragraph. It feels much more final and dramatic this way and just sort of flows better.
Another small sticking point with me... and this is just an aesthetic thing more than anything else, but... Pick a single way to represent thoughts. It's just harder (at least for me) to read if some thoughts are in quotes and some are just italicized. For me it makes me picture the quotes as being spoken aloud and then breaking my immersion in the story when it both seems out of place and turns out to have been a thought. *shrug* For examples, see:
"“It’s all over.” thought the triumphant gladiator as he slowly moved towards his defeated but still alive foe with a victorius smile carved onto his face."
vs.
"No! They don't get to choose if I earned to right to live! The defeated gladiator thought as he stretched his arm out as far as it could go." (hopefully I got the code right and that represents where the italics were in the original. FA doesn't copy it well. heh...
It's some excellent, excellent improvement, though. Very good work!
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