Sorry guys. I'm just going through it. I don't mean to be emo. Anyway after contemplating my burdens I feel like I need to own my struggles, my desires, even if they're not healthy. Instead of running from them. Because I've fought and denied and ran from them all my life and I realized this morning I'm literally not growing at all. So I'm going to take a different route and be honest with myself. Even if I have to admit I want things that I know aren't healthy or good for me.

Anyway enjoy the guitar.



Last night was rough for me.

This morning I woke up, after terrible tossing and turning and struggling in bed till 2am, I decided to get up.

Realizing I was facing the same struggles over, the ones I've faced since I was a kid, I pretty much didn't have the strength to keep going. After 38 years of endless struggles and agonizing self introspection, being broken so I could be reformed, I realized I can no longer do this any more.

No, I am not suicidal. I am *never* going to commit suicide, it is the cruelest thing anyone can ever do to people who love them. It's absolutely wrong and you may find yourself in a worse hell that you can never escape. So please don't ever commit suicide or even flirt with the idea of it. Banish it from your mind, please!

But speaking of my own ability to keep fighting the fight that never ends. The one I've been fighting since my innocence, heart, and right mind was taken from me as a child by cruel men and even my own peers. It's a losing battle and I don't know what to do any more. My own inner strength has failed. At best I just keep the struggles at bay.

God has been working in me deeply lately. I seem to have everything I ever wanted but the thing I want the most. Is it someone to love? It seems so. A deeper relationship with God? Maybe.

2017 saw my greatest spiritual growth ever. Epiphanies, dreams, visions. But after last night I realize my own strength has failed, and there's nowhere left for me to go inside. I'm not sure this makes sense. I'm not doing anything other than saying I'm throwing my hands up, so don't take this as anything but that. Kind of a diary entry I'm sharing.

So this morning I'm struggling inside and God tells me to pick up my neglected guitar. He had me to play a week or so ago, and before that months. Used to play daily for hours on end. Soothing music like this or metal.

But God said, David play and pour your heart out to Me. I had to download audacity and drivers for my pod unit, and I was going to wait to find a better USB cable and a hub but I found myself literally with a working recording set up pretty much right away, so rather than really practicing a bunch I just began to play.

So this is it, unedited except to remove me randomly smacking strings to make sure it was actually recording.

Ibanez RG420S 7 string guitar, POD XT PRO, HP laptop, Audacity program. Avatar is of my rescue dog Hannah sleeping peacefully. Right now she's curled up against my legs, pushing into me.

I hope you enjoy this song, my heart poured out. I hope it brings you peace, and hope.