A wolf cub gives a little insight about his wonderful father, with a little vignette of how odd life can be with a good-natured dad. (For once, I'll admit this is inspired by my own dear ol' dad, who did exactly this.)

oOo

My dad is really great, and I love him very much. He works in a factory so I don’t get to see him when he’s working nights, but I know he’s there, even if he’s asleep in bed when I come back from school. Mam says I should always be quiet when he’s sleeping because he’s always quiet when he gets up in the middle of the night to go to work and comes into my room to make sure I’m ok. Sometimes I wake up, but I pretend I’m still asleep. He tucks me in, rubs my head and says Love You Kiddo every time. I don’t know why, because he never calls me Kiddo when awake.

When he’s working days everything is really great. We play ball in the back garden, go for walks in the park and he helps me with my homework. I show him all about long division and how to do proper joined-up writing. My favourite time is Friday night when he gets me my favourite magazine at the shop and we do the quiz questions in the back together. I’m really good with quizzes — way better than my dad. When I beat him, I get to pull his whiskers. His mouth goes all wide and you can see all his teeth and fangs.

My cousin came to visit last week with my auntie and uncle. We don’t have a car, but they do. We went into the city for a treat and played in the park. My cousin Bobby got his tail stuck in the roundabout and cried for ages. My uncle told him to shut up or he’d slap him.

After that we all had our tea in a restaurant. It was great! We don’t ever go to restaurants at home because my mam is a great cook and dad thinks so too. Bobby didn’t eat much and was bad-tempered all the way through, so dad tried to cheer him up by saying stuff in funny posh voices all the time. I thought it was funny but my uncle didn’t and he was as sulky as Bobby was, telling him to sit straight all the time and to perk up his ears in public. My mam laughed and said you’d know my uncle and Bobby were related, but they would have to be because then Bobby wouldn’t be my cousin and I wouldn’t have met him. Grown-ups say the silliest things sometimes.

The lady brought us our food. I had sausages and chips. I love chips. Mam says I’ll get fat if I eat too much chips so she only makes them on Fridays, but when I’m big I’ll eat them every single day, like in my friend Barry’s house. His mam always makes chips. Barry’s dad is way bigger than my dad, but my dad doesn’t smell sweaty like Barry’s dad does.

After we ate, dad was still trying to cheer up Bobby. Bobby was rude and kept growling at my dad and saying shut up uncle John. I would never say that to his dad. Uncle Herb would slap me if I ever did, like he slaps Bobby. Dad never slaps me, unless I’ve done something really stupid, like the time I was playing with a squeezy bottle full of water and walked into the road in front of a car. He was really mad at me and so was the driver. I don’t think he should have slapped me then, but mam said he was upset because I could have got hurt and I suppose she’s right. But I didn’t get hurt.

The lady cleared away all our dishes and came back smiling, asking if we would like anything nice for our dessert. My uncle growled that he wanted coffee. She asked my dad next and he said something to her, but I didn’t hear because I was kicking Bobby under the table. Then I noticed the lady looking all shocked, and she put her paw up by her mouth. Her eyes were really wide. Oh no, she said, we don’t do that here, sir. I can’t believe you would ask for something like that! We are a respectable restaurant!

Mam looked like she would burst. Her fur was standing all on end and there was the funniest look in her eyes, which were starting to water. My auntie had her mouth open, looking from dad to the lady and back again. Dad gave her that look — the same one that he gives me when I give a stupid answer in our quizzes.
Can I have them or not? What kind of a sodding restaurant is this? He was going red. My dad has a good temper, mam says, but he doesn’t take fools lightly. The lady wasn’t very light. She was bigger than Barry’s dad. She didn’t smell though. She put her paws on her sides, then waggled a finger at dad. I’m sorry, sir, she said, but you might be able to get that kind of service at home, but we have hygiene laws to uphold here! Bobby was grinning like a cat. I still didn’t know what was happening.

Wait a minute, said dad. What do you think I want?

The lady sniffed and fixed her hat. Well, she answered, you want a plate of bones. We do not do that here.

Dad smacked his paw down onto his snout. Oh boy, he said, I didn’t ask for BONES. I was trying to cheer up my nephew here, and I must have said it in funny voice. I’m looking for a plate of BUNS — cakes! — to have with my tea!

Everyone in the restaurant laughed so much that the lady kindly gave us our desserts for free and said it was the funniest thing she’d ever heard.

I’m not so sure. Barry’s dad has a funny story about a midget, a priest and a hooker. I must ask mam what a hooker is.

oOo