Raine flopped into front seat of her car, huffing out a tired sigh. 10 hour shifts were brutal, especially when they pushed late into the night like this. She checked her phone, her thumb swiping across the screen in a pattern before peeking at the main screen. 9:35pm, no emails, no new messages, 1 phone call, though she doesn't recognize the number. Another automated salesman message, perhaps, wanting to buy a house she doesn't have, didn't leave a voicemail. She shrugged, tossing the phone onto the pile of empty wrappers and fast-food bags that inhabited the passenger seat. The crinkling noise reminded her of the hoarder-style mess but she shrugged. "I'll give it a clean soon. For now, lets head to the gym. Week 3, no time to stop now-"

"..go home.." a voice was felt.

"But I promised myself that I'll go work out. I need to stay in shape, meet my goals, get-"

She sucked in a breath, tensing as she felt her heart lurch in her chest, as if something had squeezed it, forcing it to beat harder than normal. "Remember earlier how your friend was feeling playful? You've been fantasizing about her all day but you couldn't use your phone too much. Too many prying eyes, too many cameras, too many rules against it, so you were forced to suck it up and go through the day, leaving her hanging. I don't think it's wise to keep them waiting longer than they absolutely have to, mmh? Screw your workout schedule, you can always go tomorrow, give yourself an extra rest day or something. Now GO HOME!"

"...fine, yes, of course." she huffed, starting her vehicle and pulling out of the parking lot of her job. She drove by the 24-hour gym, looking at it a moment in passing before keeping her eyes on the road. She made a b-line toward her complex, hopping out and looking inside of her vehicle. The mess looked back at her, a cold, shudder-inducing drool of guilt down her spine, but another lurch in her chest forced her to close the door, ignoring it for yet another day. She entered her apartment, moving quickly toward her room and tossing her belongings on the bed. Though at that moment, her stomach growled, causing her to clutch herself and hum. She turned to head to the kitchen-

"Now sit." the feeling came back.

"Shouldn't I eat first-"

"No time. SIT!"

"But I'm hungry." she protested, though she winced, clutching her chest once more, the feeling in her heart more overbearing that whatever hunger pangs her stomach had.

"You don't matter. You can eat later. It's not like you'll die right now if you don't get a bite of food immediately. Your friend, however, she wants you. Hell, maybe she needs you, and you need her more than you need food. Nothing matters except being there for those you love, right? Make the sacrifice. Sit down, and show her a good time. She's been hungry for it, and it's been a while since you've been able to enjoy yourself with her, right? Now go on..." the voice encouraged, a force pushing Raine slowly more toward her computer chair.

"Okay, okay..." she sat down finally and wiggled her mouse. The screen lights up, the chain of messages playing back on her computer as popups from conversations on her phone prior, but nothing else was said since that exchange. She clicks on the chat program and brings up the window of her friend. She'd greet her, announcing her arrival at home, but the response was delayed. When it came, it was short, dry and direct. After a short but uninspiring back and forth, Raine would inquire if she was still in the mood.

There was no response.

"...well that's curious. Their responses were rather off-putting. Quick, maybe. Disinterested, perhaps? Common, really. Not the first time, and most definitely not the last. It's not like you have an exciting story to tell about your day or something that happened. All you pay attention to nowadays is politics and some fat English bloke bitch about 'Triple A' games and loot boxes. Though, perhaps she's just watching something, or playing a game that hasn't been detected. Ooor, y'know what? Why don't you check on the other chat?"

Raine shook her head as she pushed herself away from the desk. "I'm sure she's not that busy. It is kinda late, and by now I'm sure the mood has passed. Now about that food-"

A force suddenly pushed her forward, pushing hard, weighing heavily on her body, her mind, her heart, she finding it hard to breath, causing her to shudder and gasp as her hand trembled against the mouse.

"I told you to check the other chat. See that triangle? Activity. Activity means speaking. Speaking means there's a conversation. Only a few people are known to actively speak in that channel, her included. Usually you can tell what she's up to by looking at the conversation. NOW DO IT!"

With a shaky huff, she slowly moved the mouse over to the public chat channel she shared with her friend. She hated looking there. No one really spoke to her in there, she being essentially a silent lurker in any respect. It always made her feel bad, only ever reading conversation and other banter in the channel but never being involved herself, feeling left out and unnoticed, but the weight was becoming too much. The hunger made itself more known as well, but she couldn't move. Stuck in place against her will, she clicked and gazed at the channel, her eyes widening at what she beheld.

"Oho! Well would you look at that~! Public smut. The nasty, thoughtless, shamelessness of it all. Oh my...and she's going at it quite deep too. The prose, the intensity, the length of posts, the frequency of the typing. Ooouu, she's even typing another response right now. And she hasn't even responded to what you had to say in quite a while. Just look at the time stamps. I'd say though, she's more into that than anything you could ever come up with."

"But..." the weight grew heavier, her heart lurching in her chest, causing her to wrench her eyes closed as tears began to well up.

"Oh don't kid yourself." the feeling oozed down her spine like a dagger, slowly cutting inch after inch into her flesh, but she never bled. There was only lingering, tormenting pain. "You're [ nothing compared to this person. Their draw over your friend trumps yours tenfold. They can have them whenever they want, while you have to rush home and neglect yourself to even get the chance. You're nothing but an insignificant, worthless side-piece. You're not kinky. You're not attractive. She doesn't have pet names or moosh on you publicly like she does them. You're nothing to her but dirt beneath her foot. You might as well put that hoodie on and go into the deepest hole you can find."

"...b-but she's my friend.." Raine muttered, her voice cracking.

"What is a friend, mmh? You have a handful already. I mean look at that list. That small, unimpressive list. Oh right! Half of them just added you because you were an easy but lame lay and the others are just there because you never removed them. They talk to you maybe, oh...every other blue moon? Usually when you're busy at work, y'know, just like your friend did. You know they hate you being on your phone there with all those cameras around. Have to stay professional and on task, yet you go out of your way, risking job and livelihood to make sure you respond timely to their desires anyway. Always available but no one's ever available to you. Used, only to be tossed aside, the feeling never reciprocated. Pretty safe to assume you're just a boring little sextoy." The feeling turned into deep, ruthless jabbing, piercing her back, her heart, her soul, causing those tears to begin to flow down her face, over her similar markings.

"That's not true..." she huffed, sniffling as she tried to turn away, but something was holding her face in place, almost literally, forcing her to look on, staring at the flagrant, textual lust being so openly displayed, further sending her spiraling down into the emotional abyss. Soon the feeling began to coalesce into a being, those powerful paws holding Raine's head like a vice, crushing it along with her willpower and self-esteem, reducing her to a whimpering, heart-ached mess of depression and self-doubt. Many eyes appeared along the body of that powerful being, it's face monstrous, those eyes a piercing green, it's face dripping with contempt and negativity as she whispered her dark ministrations into Raine's hollow, empty soul, weighing it down further and further.

"Oh, but it is. You have to believe it. And I won't stop reminding you until it sinks in real deep and never goes away. About how lonely you are. How desperate you are. How invalidated your entire existence is. How much you want to feel that warmth, closeness, completeness, but somehow you're constantly surrounded by those who already have everything you dream of. You're the third-wheel incarnate, loving but never loved in return, chosen only when they have no other outlet to turn to. Take a number cause you're always in a line, and really no better than a completely random person they can meet elsewhere, anywhere. Novelty is the spice of life, after all. And at the end of the day, when they're done using you for their own ends, and they're off to snuggle with their mates and best friends, you're alone. All cold and alone with no one to hold you, no one to make you feel better, no one to remind you that [/B]you're worth a quarter-ounce of damn[/B]."

"...fuck you..." she gritted her teeth as she finally pulled her hand free of the mouse, reaching over to the liquor bottle that sat on the floor next to her computer chair, corking it open, pressing it to her lips as she turned the whole thing up. The toxic brown fluid flowed down her gullet, searing her throat and slowly clouding her senses as she felt the being's grip loosen slowly.

"...oh no, the dreaded bottle, my only weakness! I suppose I'll go away for a little while, if you so insist. Drink deep, then. Drink me away and then drink some more. I love being in the back of your drowning, hazed mind. Nice and cozy there, really. But don't you worry. I won't be far. I never am, and when you're done being in a self-induced stupor, I'll be right back to help you. Yes, help you. That's all I'm doing. Just showing you the truth of it all. It's always hidden in between the pity-laced lies that they fling at you again and again. You just have to piece them together, but you can't piece together what you can't see..." the voice faded more and more with each gulp of hard liquor, Raine eventually slamming the bottle down on her desk as she coughed, her throat reflexively closing for a moment as she gags on the burning poison, her world beginning to spin as she chuckled lightly, sighing in relief as she relaxed back in her chair. She smiled, the fluid lifting her spirits from being crushed into nothing. Her only immediate source of reprieve from her tormenting thoughts and mind lay within the contents of that bottle Though her world began to spin faster, and faster, warping, twisting topsy and turvy..

"...by the way...you forgot to eat first...that's going to hit you quite har-"

Darkness

...

"Wakey wakey, get up, get up, GET UP, GET UP!" a voice came pounding into Raine's head as hard as the hang-over induced migraine, she snapping upright from her bed to making an immediate grab for her phone. She presses into the power button to light it up, her eyes focusing past her interlaced eyelashes. 9:15am. Her alarm was set to go off at 9:20am. Shaking her head, she fought off the urge to set her phone for another 20 minutes of sleep as she looked at her computer, something drawing her to approach it and bump the mouse. As the desktop illuminated the screen, there was a message indicator on the chat program she used. A lurch in her chest prompted her to click on it.

It was from her friend.

"...lookie there. You passed out and they left a message. Looks like they weren't very happy with you not responding to them. Stood up, again. Twice in one day, even. Gah, what is your deal, huh? That can only mean one thing. They'll never trust you again. You weren't there for them when they wanted you, so why would you ever be? They might as well hate you now, for being such an unreliable, uninteresting waste of space and air, and you'll never fulfill your wants and desires with them now or ever. Well, you know what you have to do, and I have plenty of gas and matches left over from the last few umpteen times. Clearly, that bridge is an eye-sore, don't you agree?"

---

This piece is a rather revealing portion in Raine's puzzle, and one that's very close to my own heart. I can't speak for others, but I know that I've made regretful decisions and wondered what drove me to do that, what drove me to think that way? You try to apologize, but you can only blame yourself for your own actions, even if they weren't something you wanted to do. But what if it wasn't you? What if you knew it was wrong, but there was something evil inside you provoking your thoughts, manipulating your feelings, pulling you down and forcing you to do their bidding lest you suffer inside their grip? That's what this piece and this story represents. But while this picture represents being forced to do things you know is wrong and unhealthy, it also represents the revelation of it all. The first step to solving a problem is accepting that this is one. And not only does Raine know it's there, she can see it, and even gave it a name and a face.

Art by  LapinousMalice

Raine/Paine is  raine1082®


Protip: "I ́got͏ ̡y̨o̷ur͜ ̷nu͟m͡b͞er ǹo̧w͜,̷ ̶P̶ain̢e. ҉Įt́'̸s̶ ab͘o͡u͠t͞ t̵įm̢e̡ w̕e̶ ḑe͠àlt ̷ẁit̴h y̛ou per̛s͞o͠nál̨l͠y, o̧nce͘ ̨a͘nd ҉f͡o͘r ̸all͏.͘ ̨T͟his̀ ̕is̢ ͠a lon͢g̡,҉ l͝oǹg̛ ̢t̵i̸mę ͜c̵omin͝g.͢.."