angsty high school doodle on notebook paper realness

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0WkOBt_6oA

I was thinking about how I have this feeling that I want to go home, but I don't know where that would be. My apartment is my home, but it doesn't feel that way. My families home doesn't feel like home anymore. I miss my ex boyfriend's old house. I miss getting home from work at 10pm and driving 2 hours to go see him, or him coming to see me and staying up all night and wandering around outside and getting lost

I might get to see him in a few weeks for that tattoo event thing so I have that to look forward to I guess. I might see if he wants to hang out when I have my spring break too

I feel kind of confused about this. To me it seems like there are certain things people do, certain patterns, but how I view things it's like everything is it's own thing. In class overheard a girl talking about her ex and the way she was talking it seemed like she had like, i don't know, a blueprint for how to treat the situation. Or like how the generic advice is 'oh fuck your ex, focus on self-improvement blah" but I literally would not want to live without mine in my life. It doesn't matter to me that we used to date, he's just a person. It's stupid to treat things certain ways just because of circumstance

Maybe it's because I have no other experience with relationships. but I don't know

I miss having friends too. I think this is the most alone I've ever been

coming to terms with being an adult and the fact that all of my problems are now within my control, sucks. I can't make friends because I am not trying hard enough. Anxiety isn't an excuse. Social anxiety is normal. If I am not fun or interesting well that's just do bad I guess I stay alone. No one is obligated to care about me or spend time with me


I think I manifest anxiety and stress and depression by just being quiet and staring into space, which is what I usually act like, so I never know if I am just weird or if I do not have it that bad. I rarely freak out and cry, I almost feel like I don't have emotions. Does this mean my problems aren't as bad or I just handle them differently? I have no idea.

I am having such an art block. I feel like I'm so out of practice and falling behind others and nothing I make is good anymore

I keep getting headache as well. Maybe it's the changing weather or maybe it's eyestrain because I look at screens all day. I don't know

somehow my descriptions on these always turn into long rambling self-therapy sessions. I don't know why but I feel like maybe it's good for me