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"No one quite knows who or what they are."


Once again another quick break from ItSotV for the rest of the pages from Leanna's diary. We get more of an in depth look at her life, struggles and victories.

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August 22nd 2021

Here’s the damn thing. Found you! Now, without further ado, updates! First, start with family. Robert and Victoria are doing good. Robert got a raise at work, and with his and Vicoria’s combined income, they bought a house. I really don’t like houses, I much prefer my apartment. But it is big and nice. Robert’s even got a man cave.

Jill is as big as a balloon and due soon. She’s cheered up considerably, and even found the father at last. He’s surprised to say the least, and although he can’t come live with Jill due to the fact he lives in Korea, he’s going to send her some money.

I think Mark has better adjusted to work. It doesn’t bug him as much, but it still does. I do my best to make him feel better when he gets home. I seem to do a good job of it.

We went to Manitoba. It was… well it was an interesting experience to say the least. First thing we did after we got off the plane was pass out in a crummy motel. Me and Mark are the same when it comes to flying. We both hate it, and neither of us can sleep on the plane. Mark just played his Switch and I watched Mad Max. We decided to visit the Nanowin Rivers Park Reserve, and landed at Berens River at about midnight, drove a rental for an hour then died in that motel I mentioned. We got free breakfast though, and we were on our way in the morning. At first it was fun, we sang, told jokes and listened to the Day of the Triffids audio book. Then we got lost. Apparently the map we were using was wrong, or outdated or something like that, but we had no idea where to go after a certain point. I got scared, Mark got irritated and the car got hungry. We ran out of gas is what I’m saying. Mark kinda freaked, and I kinda got… upset. I’m not afraid to admit that to a Journal no one but myself is going to read. Yeah I cried. I though we were going to die! Of course Mark made everything seem not so bad as soon as he saw me. We pushed for a while, then rolled down a long hill in neutral. There was a driveway at the bottom. Not a regular driveway, but a backroad driveway. One long dirt road we had to walk down. We met a nice old ax murderer. At least, that’s what he looked like. He gave us a jerry can of gas and directions to the park lodge. We made it, and once again passed out.

Then we hiked. A lot. I loved every second. I took literally thousands of photos of trees and shit. Moose shit! We found fields of flowers, waterfalls, small mammals, the perfect makeout spot- ah, just ignore that last one, Journal. Suffice to say, fun was had. (Jesus, Journal, no! That’s illegal…)

Long story short, I think I’ve found my calling. I’m not sure yet, but the serenity of the open wilderness filled me with unbridled happiness I haven’t felt since

I haven’t felt in a long time. We will see.

August 26th 2021

I applied and got in. I’m excited and scared an happy and nervous and scared…. Did I mention I’m fucking terrified?!?!

Jill had her baby! It was a boy, and he’s named Josh. He’s the cutest thing you’ve ever seen! I held him and he bit me. Always a good sign. Jill shared my terrifiedness in the face of single parenthood, but she looked happy. I think she’ll be alright.

September 9th 2021

First day of school… wow I didn’t think I’d ever be saying that again. Anyway, this is the real thing though. Uni. I couldn’t stop shaking the whole time. I went to my classes, met my profs, ate lunch with Mark, who was nice enough to spend his lunch break with me and went home. It was a mixed bag. My thirst to learn was reignited, and I wrote everything down even though I probably shouldn’t have. On the other hand, I got a lot of weird looks. Both because of what I look like and because I am a bit older than most of the first years. And I ate lunch with and was clearly the girlfriend of a guy who looks like he could be in his late twenties. Mostly because he almost is. I feel like an outcast. I didn’t talk to anybody.

I did actually get a jealous look from someone though, which made me feel weirdly good and guilty at the same time. Mark is a very attractive guy, and he does catch the eye. I’m not worried, I’ve got Mark and nothing can separate us. You’ll find a nice boyfriend one day, random girl.

January 27th 2021

Journal, I need you to tell me everything will turn out okay. I’m struggling. I can’t keep my head up. I’m drowning… Please help me.

Okay, I’ve calmed, now. I failed again. Another test. I thought I studied enough for it but I guess I’m just a dumb-ass. Mark knows nothing about the subject, I don’t have any friends, and I don’t want a tutor (Since, you know, I’d be too antisocial to do any actual work).
I really should have thought about which courses I’m taking. I’m failing a couple forestry courses, and the rest I’m doing good in. Psychology, English and Spanish. Why can’t I be passing the ones that count?!

I’m trying. I really am. I talked to Robert, he gave me some kind words and a pat on the back. I talked to Mark, he gave me a bit more. I talked to my profs, they were apologetic and suggested I transfer to a different course next semester.

Honestly, I don’t think it wold make much of a difference in any other courses. I’m just inadequate in school in general.

I don’t know if I can do it, Journal.

May 7th 2022

I’m sorry. I did something stupid. I tried to run. I don’t know why. I saw my final mark, turned around and ran. I didn’t know where I was going, but I felt an overwhelming urge to get away from my failure.

I was hit by a car. I woke up alone. At the time I didn’t know visiting hours were over and my twisted, painkiller riddled brain thought I had been abandoned by my people. I talked to a doctor who said I suffered a concussion and a fractured arm but nothing serious. The next day Mark came with flowers. I threw the flowers aside and just held him. I must have made a fool of myself, apologizing and getting all emotional. He was perfect, as usual. He knew I flunked the year, but didn’t care.

I love you, Mark.

We went home, had a long talk about the future, and now we’re in bed. He’s asleep, and I’m writing. What am I going to do for the future? I don’t know. We had a few ideas, but traditional school is not for me. It’s kinda a relief now, though. No more pressure. No risk of being homeless or having to live with my brother again. We’ll see what the future holds.

July 8th 2022

This summer is going to be good, I think. It’s nice not to have to study constantly to no tangible effect. My depression is wearing off a little too since I got a job. I don’t feel as useless as I once did. It’s a chill job, at a lazy little coffee shop/bakery not far from here. I won’t have to deal with customers, thank the almighty introvert gods. Robert knows the girl who runs the place, and he set up a meeting for us. First, I have to tell you about these cookies I make. I take a kind of quick cheesecake filling and bake it on top of some butterscotch chocolate cookies. It’s divine. Anyway, Robert though I could get a job baking them for the shop, so we talked it out and we came up worth a deal. (I really like the boss, Julia’s a sweet girl. She didn’t just steal the recipe from me like some people would.) I would come in for a couple hours in the early morning, bake enough cookies for the day and go home. They pay’s not amazing, but the work’s nice. I like baking, and Julia says I have a natural talent for it. I’m not alone, either. The head baker is up even earlier than me, and he’s nice. Thompson is his name, and he had a wife and three kids. It’s hard not to know that, he always talks about them. It’s cute. I came to a realization. He’s only the third friend I’ve ever made here. He was really nice when he asked me about the scars, and he’s funny if a little talkative. I should get him and Mark to meet some day.

Now, I know there’s no real career in this job, but it keeps me occupied. Mark is seeming more up-beat lately too. He’s been sneaking off after work and he’s avoiding answering me when I ask where he’s been. My birthday is coming up soon, so he’s probably picking me out the perfect gift. I wonder what it is?

August 10th 2022

My birthday is tomorrow. I have the day off work that day and we have a nice picnic planned in Bannerman Park. I’m nervous. Why? I’m pretty sure Mark is going to ask me to marry him. A few hours ago, he sat me down, held my paw, looked me in the eye and asked me how long I was intending to stay with him. I told him the truth. The rest of my life. He smiled, nodded, then we went to bed.

I’ll never agree to something so fast in my life.

August 11th 2022

Today has been eventful. Mark got up this morning and realized that he bought ferret body wash. He came out of the shower looking like a tall floof ball. I couldn’t stop laughing. He pouted and said it wasn’t funny, but we managed to comb his fur into submission and got ready for the party. At noon, we walked out to the park and set up the table. Robert showed up way too early so we decided to just start the party. Michael came a little later, then Dan and Lance showed up, Lance providing us with a pretty neat deck of weighted wind proof cards. We played poker, and I cleaned up. My bluff tell was always twitching my ear. Problem is, it was always the ear I lost, so now I have no tells. Recipe for the best player? Yeet. Michael is an open book when it comes to reading his tells. He grins like a maniac when he knows he has a good hand.

We broke out some snacks and chatted, then came cake. I’m going to let you know something secret, Journal. Don’t tell anyone, especially not Thompson. I don’t like cake. It makes me sick. I had some to be polite though, and blew out the candles. Twenty two years old. I don’t feel like it. My wish? Happiness.

Anyway, presents. Robert got me the latest Persona game, (Don’t judge me) which I’ve been wanting all year, Dan got me a giant thing of Ferraro Rocher chocolate (My favorite thing ever), Lance got me a set of oil paints (something I’ve never worked with, but I’m exited), Michael get me a Pikachu hoodie (Which was sweet, but I don’t like Pokemon) and last but not least, Mark got me The Red Book (reader’s edition, calm down book nerds) and a small wrapped box. When I picked it up, I knew what it was. My stomach flopped around, and the cake didn’t help things. I almost wanted it to not be what I knew it was. But, when I picked it up and knew it was true, Mark standing beside me, I couldn’t help wondering how fate worked. It feels like I’ve gone from the deepest depths of hell to the highest peak of heaven. I was about to go higher. I unwrapped it, took out the little velvet box and ignored the gasps from our friends. Mark crouched, and unblinking I opened the little box. A gold ring stared back at me. No engravings, just a simple ring. I say just, but I really wouldn’t have wanted anything fancy. Mark knew that, of course. I turned to him and… I’m getting dizzy all over again as I’m writing this. I still can’t believe it. He gives me the most genuine smile and takes my paw. “Te casarías conmigo?”

I almost slapped him. I didn’t though. What I did do was take the ring, softly say “yes” and tackle that damn boy to the ground. There was cheering, whoops of joy (mostly from Mark) and a scream of pain. The pain was from Michael, who’s first reaction was to slam the table while yelling “hot damn” but a splinter got in the way.

My heart won’t stop, I think I might pass out. This is the happiest day of my life.

We still have to work out when it’ll be.

August 20th 2022

We’ve finally decided on what kind of wedding it’ll be. No ceremony, just a little house party of close friends and family. Hopefully Jill can make it this time, as she missed my birthday. Josh is a handful, understandably. We’ll hold it in a month. Apparently Lance is qualified to marry people, something to do with his involvement with the baptist church. I wonder if they know he’s gay?

Anyway, he’ll do the ceremony.

I can’t believe this is happening. Have I said that enough times, Journal?

September 23rd 2022

Well, I’m a wife now. I’ve gotten used to the ring. It makes me look a lot prettier and mature, just that one symbol, saying I’m tied to another person by an unbreakable bond.

I wonder if I said yes too fast. I know my therapist told me many times it’s not the case, I keep thinking about that old analogy for your spouse. The ball and chain. I want to provide Mark with more that just my love, my body and minimum wage. I need to talk to him about it later. Anyway, the party was great! We had soooo much fun it was criminal. Maybe it was the beer we had, or the Mario Party, or the chocolate bomb, or simply the significance of what happened that day. It wasn’t a big thing, so Jill didn’t cry (Josh did though). I guess that flower superstition doesn’t turn out to be true. Sorry Jill!

The night wound down and everyone left, and me and Mark were left alone. We were both shy for some reason. Mark kept fiddling with his ring, then he worked up the nerve to pick me up in him arms and carry me to our bed. It’s a magical experience, having sex with your husband for the first time.

December 23rd 2022

Life isn’t much different in our exalted state of matrimony. Aside from the burning topic I need to talk to Mark about, things are pretty much the same. Speaking of which, I'll finally talk to him about it. Children. I spent the last couple months researching, and although it’ll be a tight squeeze, we have the money for it. The apartment has another room, and I have the free time for child rearing. It’s time to fill this apartment with the laughter of our child. And the cries. And the smell of poop. That’s all part of the job, I guess. It’s afternoon, I’m gonna grab Mark and ask him.

December 24th 2022

2:00 am, so technically the next day. The moment I brought up having a kid, his face kinda took on this weird neutral expression. He said I surprised him with that, and he hadn’t even considered it yet. I was a little nervous, but we sat down and talked it out. I showed him the calculations I made regarding money, we talked about the changes we’d have to make. I’d have to quit my job, at least for a while. We’d have to buy a lot of stuff. It’s okay though, I’ve been saving all my paychecks. Eventually it got this late and Mark said to give him a week to come up with an answer. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, but it’s going to kill me not knowing.

Here’s hoping he says yes.

January 1st 2023

Happy new year.

We both got the day off, and went to a little party. We danced, ate and did the new year kiss thingy, then went home. As soon as Mark closed the door behind us, I could feel the atmosphere change. We went into the living room and he sat me down, held my paw and told me he was ready for kids. I don’t know what happened to me, but I started crying. Mark was, obviously, surprised and he asked me what was wrong.

Nothing was wrong. I would finally be giving something back to Mark for everything he’s done for me. I tried explaining this to him through my tears, but I just ended up melting onto his lap. He looked a bit sobered. I don’t think he fully appreciated how much this means to me. Well, then he lifted my chin and asked when I wanted to start trying.

No time like the present.

March 10th 2023

Journal, I was meaning to ask you. Do you want kids? A couple little novels to bite your ankles? No? Okay.

Word got out we were trying for kids, and the moment it did, Jill burst down the door and sat me down. She brought in Josh and had me change his diapers (I think she was just getting tired of doing it herself). She then started raving on about what I would have to do, and I took notes diligently. I didn’t tell he that I had already purchased a little book about the subject, but she had some insight the book didn’t. We talked about it so long Mark came home and joined in. It was fun, and Mark got bitten by Josh. He has tiny little fangs and he’s started biting things more often. He’s also gotten a taste of Mark’s blood, and we joked he must be a vampire, and by the bite, so is Mark.

We’ve had no luck yet, and we’ve talked to a doctor about getting fertility meds after the first month. He said they weren’t necessary, but I should get an exam from a gynecologist if I plan on having children. He also said I’d have to switch pain meds to something less effective and more healthy to the baby. He prescribed me something new, and we set up and appointment with the gynecologist. It’s in a few weeks.

We’ve been trying about once a week, and the doctor says it shouldn’t be much longer.

March 24th 2023

Bad news, Journal. I’m infertile. No, no, that’s sterile. Infertile just means there’s less of a chance of pregnancy. It has something to do with my long history on my meds. The gynecologist and the doctor said that I should be more receptive on my new meds though.

Speaking of which, my new meds suck. They don’t kill the pain like my old ones did, just numb it. My burned skin feels tingly, and I ache constantly. I can’t go out biking anymore, and I’m in the most pain in the mornings. Sex has become more difficult, as Mark could easily hurt me. We’ve worked out a system though, so it isn’t a problem. It’ll be worth it.

May 8th 2023

Journal, I have great news. I’m pregnant. At last. Finally. My life is worth something. I told Mark right away and he cried for joy. Mostly because I already was.

Life is good.

July 20th 2023

I ha

[The rest of the pages have been ripped out.]