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I'm really surprised at how sudden this idea came to me, and how FAST I completed the poem itself! (O.O)
This here piece is VERY similar to my "Scarlet Thorn" in terms of subject. =3
ANYHOO, I hope everyone enjoys; I really had fun writing this one, and I think it came out GREAT! :>
Tell me what you think the general message is. ;3
Until next poem! \(^o^)/
EDIT (9/2/09): After some careful thought, I have indeed decided to change the name of this poem, more because I feel the title is unnecessarily long, and can be more concise. In this particular poem's case, you make a good point
ulv. Thanks for your feedback man! :D
This here piece is VERY similar to my "Scarlet Thorn" in terms of subject. =3
ANYHOO, I hope everyone enjoys; I really had fun writing this one, and I think it came out GREAT! :>
Tell me what you think the general message is. ;3
Until next poem! \(^o^)/
EDIT (9/2/09): After some careful thought, I have indeed decided to change the name of this poem, more because I feel the title is unnecessarily long, and can be more concise. In this particular poem's case, you make a good point
ulv. Thanks for your feedback man! :D
Category Poetry / Human
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 80 x 120px
File Size 931 B
Not bad, not bad at all. I admit I was buggest slightly by "remove thy trite transparency!" because of the usage of "you" earlier; I see the alliteration but it stands out in an unfavourable way. I also find the rhythm in the fourth stanza, final line, slightly off by a syllable. Might be the way I'm reading it, but when I read it out loud it conflicts.
One thing I notice with your poetry is that you have a tendency of adding the title of the poem in the finale. Something that slightly bothers me. Your style of writing, your sense of rhythm and your rhymes are very refined and you're easily one of the better poets I've seen, but personally I prefer the title to be part of the entirety of the poem, and it ruins a little of the illusion and self-interpretation if the name of the poem is displayed so strongly. What I mean is, when I can read the title of the poem clearly in one of its stanzas, some of its charm falters.
It's brilliant work, though, and you've a set style that is admirable and says a bit of who you are. I apologise if I went overboard with the criticism (I feel a bit hypocritical as well, I am not fond of unasked criticism, but I feel that hopefully I was just with what I wrote).
As for what the general message is, my interpretation is that too beautiful a treat is hardly as excitable as the packaging appears to be, and thus it's better to have something that pleasantly surprises (somebody who isn't "as pretty", per-se) than a wrecking disappointment.
Cheers.
One thing I notice with your poetry is that you have a tendency of adding the title of the poem in the finale. Something that slightly bothers me. Your style of writing, your sense of rhythm and your rhymes are very refined and you're easily one of the better poets I've seen, but personally I prefer the title to be part of the entirety of the poem, and it ruins a little of the illusion and self-interpretation if the name of the poem is displayed so strongly. What I mean is, when I can read the title of the poem clearly in one of its stanzas, some of its charm falters.
It's brilliant work, though, and you've a set style that is admirable and says a bit of who you are. I apologise if I went overboard with the criticism (I feel a bit hypocritical as well, I am not fond of unasked criticism, but I feel that hopefully I was just with what I wrote).
As for what the general message is, my interpretation is that too beautiful a treat is hardly as excitable as the packaging appears to be, and thus it's better to have something that pleasantly surprises (somebody who isn't "as pretty", per-se) than a wrecking disappointment.
Cheers.
My, I'm FLATTERED! =O
No no, your comments are MOST appreciated, every one of them! ^^
Lessee, you're spot on with noticing that I often use the title in the actual poem itself (often as the ending); in truth, I always thought that was an interesting aspect; I never once thought of it as losing charm. =3
I DO however see where your point is valid, in that it diminishes its charm when read again somewhere in the verses. Still, I really cherish my titles, and the thing I love about them is that they are USUALLY a mystery! They're just SO tantalizing to the eye! You're like..."OMG, what does THAT mean?!" D8
Y'know? x3
I see it as a very potent teaser, especially when it can't be interpreted right away. It's like the reader is just WAITING for it to be brought up and decrypted. =)
Ah, and as for that particular line you mentioned, I think I feel what you mean; though, the meter holds as it is, and I suppose it does indeed depend on how fast you read into that line. =P
Hehe, that's an interesting interpretation; actually, I likes it (reference to the frame and all). Though, my author's intent is a little bit of a REVERSE! x3
But no harm done; that's the WILDS of poetry! \(^o^)/
G'day to you my furiend, and THANK you very much. ;;3
No no, your comments are MOST appreciated, every one of them! ^^
Lessee, you're spot on with noticing that I often use the title in the actual poem itself (often as the ending); in truth, I always thought that was an interesting aspect; I never once thought of it as losing charm. =3
I DO however see where your point is valid, in that it diminishes its charm when read again somewhere in the verses. Still, I really cherish my titles, and the thing I love about them is that they are USUALLY a mystery! They're just SO tantalizing to the eye! You're like..."OMG, what does THAT mean?!" D8
Y'know? x3
I see it as a very potent teaser, especially when it can't be interpreted right away. It's like the reader is just WAITING for it to be brought up and decrypted. =)
Ah, and as for that particular line you mentioned, I think I feel what you mean; though, the meter holds as it is, and I suppose it does indeed depend on how fast you read into that line. =P
Hehe, that's an interesting interpretation; actually, I likes it (reference to the frame and all). Though, my author's intent is a little bit of a REVERSE! x3
But no harm done; that's the WILDS of poetry! \(^o^)/
G'day to you my furiend, and THANK you very much. ;;3
Woah.....................................................
Seeing a poem of yours in my subs list.. on such short notice...
that was unexpected O________O what a wonderful surprise!!!
I especially like how consistent the meter is in this one, as well as the different word choice and subject matter ^___^ your poems aren't lacking in variety i'll give you that =D
Seeing a poem of yours in my subs list.. on such short notice...
that was unexpected O________O what a wonderful surprise!!!
I especially like how consistent the meter is in this one, as well as the different word choice and subject matter ^___^ your poems aren't lacking in variety i'll give you that =D
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