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pssssshhhhh....
buckle up buttercup, I'm about to drop a fuckin' novel about myself here.
For those just joining us, I've been going to some fairly intensive group therapy for the last few months. It started as 6 hour deal 5 days a week, and after a while it went to 3 hours 3 days a week. I went because my anxiety was driving me some really bad places in my head, the kind where I could actually get hurt or something far worse. I'd already had a bad habit of self harm as a poor coping mechanism.
Over the course of it all, I was diagnosed with OCD, which honestly explained a lot. About me, my life up to this point, my behavior, and it was a mixed bag of relief and concern. It took a while to accept it and genuinely learn how to cope with it in healthier ways. Meds, better tools to handle it, learning not to shame myself for it, it was a really lengthy process. I know where all these intrusive thoughts and impulses and compulsions come from now, (which is about time after 20+ motherfucking years of being misdiagnosed apparently.)
This past friday was my last day there.
I do feel some pride that I made it all the way through and learned so much about myself, but. It's not over. It's not like I'm magically cured or anything, this is still hardwired into my brain. I've been stuck on a panic/anxiety setting all day for seemingly no reason, and lately I feel like I'm triggered by things that didn't used to be a problem. Or... maybe they were always a problem, but I'd always force my way through it and then feel terrible but not know why at the time. Either way, I guess I just don't know what I want from here.
I keep asking myself the same questions, giving myself the same reassurances, telling myself that it's okay but that wasn't okay at some point and it might also not be okay in another, and just. fuck. I know this is the "Obsessive" part of the OCD going off, where I keep future-tripping and worrying about things. I'm supposed to get an individual therapist now, but I keep dragging my feet on it because I'm scared. I already had to pour my heart out for room full of people, I don't want to have to do it again for someone else.
I'm feeling a little trapped in a way. Or at least some days I do. I have days where I get out of bed and it's like "YEAH WE'RE DOIN SHIT TODAY, GET'R'DUN" but other days I just can't bring myself to leave the apartment. Mizu assures me that we're fine, that it's okay to take this time to get better and work on myself. But of course I have this dumb stereotype man-brain going "HUR, yur useless if you can't provide, what kind of man are you to rely on everyone else"
My therapist told me that it almost sounds like there's a disconnect between how I feel rationally and how I feel emotionally. Rationally, I understand and accept the situation. Totally reasonable. But Emotionally I'm throwing a fit because I haven't quite accepted it. And then PHYSICALLY it's like my body just moves independently from me and I'm just a cloud of noise and thoughts that ride around in it. I've been told that's probably a form of a disassociating. Which now I think about more and more, and yo, it really fucks you up when you compulsively think about thinking on your own existence as a being that exists outside other people's perception of you. I don't even know what i just fucking said right there.
But I digress.
-sigh- I think I just wanted to barf all that at the void.
I know things will be okay if I genuinely take it slow and let myself. But today's just been a bad head-day where my thoughts keep re-running old criticisms about myself, and scenarios my brain builds just to upset me. At least in comparison to say, a few years ago, I at least know that all this isn't my fault. I'm not a big pathetic manbaby, I'm a guy who has a real illness that he's doing his best with.
ugh. if any'yall made it through all that, thanks for indulging me. Outside of Mizu, my Real World™ support network is... well. They mean well, too many of them try to fix it via unhelpful advice from my family ("Just don't be that way!") or my friends trying to distract me when I just want someone to listen to me.
Fuck.
There's a slice of cheesecake in my fridge. I'm gonna eat the whole thing, curl up on the couch and watch old sitcoms.
peace.
buckle up buttercup, I'm about to drop a fuckin' novel about myself here.
For those just joining us, I've been going to some fairly intensive group therapy for the last few months. It started as 6 hour deal 5 days a week, and after a while it went to 3 hours 3 days a week. I went because my anxiety was driving me some really bad places in my head, the kind where I could actually get hurt or something far worse. I'd already had a bad habit of self harm as a poor coping mechanism.
Over the course of it all, I was diagnosed with OCD, which honestly explained a lot. About me, my life up to this point, my behavior, and it was a mixed bag of relief and concern. It took a while to accept it and genuinely learn how to cope with it in healthier ways. Meds, better tools to handle it, learning not to shame myself for it, it was a really lengthy process. I know where all these intrusive thoughts and impulses and compulsions come from now, (which is about time after 20+ motherfucking years of being misdiagnosed apparently.)
This past friday was my last day there.
I do feel some pride that I made it all the way through and learned so much about myself, but. It's not over. It's not like I'm magically cured or anything, this is still hardwired into my brain. I've been stuck on a panic/anxiety setting all day for seemingly no reason, and lately I feel like I'm triggered by things that didn't used to be a problem. Or... maybe they were always a problem, but I'd always force my way through it and then feel terrible but not know why at the time. Either way, I guess I just don't know what I want from here.
I keep asking myself the same questions, giving myself the same reassurances, telling myself that it's okay but that wasn't okay at some point and it might also not be okay in another, and just. fuck. I know this is the "Obsessive" part of the OCD going off, where I keep future-tripping and worrying about things. I'm supposed to get an individual therapist now, but I keep dragging my feet on it because I'm scared. I already had to pour my heart out for room full of people, I don't want to have to do it again for someone else.
I'm feeling a little trapped in a way. Or at least some days I do. I have days where I get out of bed and it's like "YEAH WE'RE DOIN SHIT TODAY, GET'R'DUN" but other days I just can't bring myself to leave the apartment. Mizu assures me that we're fine, that it's okay to take this time to get better and work on myself. But of course I have this dumb stereotype man-brain going "HUR, yur useless if you can't provide, what kind of man are you to rely on everyone else"
My therapist told me that it almost sounds like there's a disconnect between how I feel rationally and how I feel emotionally. Rationally, I understand and accept the situation. Totally reasonable. But Emotionally I'm throwing a fit because I haven't quite accepted it. And then PHYSICALLY it's like my body just moves independently from me and I'm just a cloud of noise and thoughts that ride around in it. I've been told that's probably a form of a disassociating. Which now I think about more and more, and yo, it really fucks you up when you compulsively think about thinking on your own existence as a being that exists outside other people's perception of you. I don't even know what i just fucking said right there.
But I digress.
-sigh- I think I just wanted to barf all that at the void.
I know things will be okay if I genuinely take it slow and let myself. But today's just been a bad head-day where my thoughts keep re-running old criticisms about myself, and scenarios my brain builds just to upset me. At least in comparison to say, a few years ago, I at least know that all this isn't my fault. I'm not a big pathetic manbaby, I'm a guy who has a real illness that he's doing his best with.
ugh. if any'yall made it through all that, thanks for indulging me. Outside of Mizu, my Real World™ support network is... well. They mean well, too many of them try to fix it via unhelpful advice from my family ("Just don't be that way!") or my friends trying to distract me when I just want someone to listen to me.
Fuck.
There's a slice of cheesecake in my fridge. I'm gonna eat the whole thing, curl up on the couch and watch old sitcoms.
peace.
Category Artwork (Digital) / General Furry Art
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File Size 487.2 kB
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