This has been a piece I wanted to do for a long time and it was really hard to actually do, but here's to hoping it will help me out.

A bit of a back story that symbolizes Hari's blue eye and scar.

My ex was diagnosed with Mediastinal Fibrosis shortly after we started dating, for those that don't know to sum up what he had was basically a bunch of scar tissue building up in his chest. I like to think I was a really supportive girlfriend but sometimes I just feel that I failed and abandoned him. Throughout the three years we were together he started to get worse a lot faster, with nothing to stop it. The doctors had already stated that the thing would never shrink or disappear but there was hope to stop it from getting worse.

The three years we were together were tough, but I was determined to help him live a long life, I felt it was up to me to save him even though deep down I knew this was impossible. He was sedated at least three times and I was only ever at the hospital once (it was a long distance relationship and I was 19 so it was difficult to get out there more) and the one and only time I was there it was hard to be. A 19 year old shouldn't ever have to look down at the one they love and wonder if that is it. The doctors were on and off again with whether he was going to live or die. He lived, for another like 3 years. After that first time though my ex gave up and so did the rest of his support. For 2 1/2 years I was the only one trying to hold out the hope and fight it, yes, his family did the fundraisers to help with bills and all that, but I feel like I was the only one truly hoping that he could be "saved".

Well the third year came around and we had our falling out, he basically said a lot of hurtful things (agreeing with his family that I was a whore) and we broke up. I didn't want to think about him and I honestly wanted to forget. I deleted almost everything, pictures, messages, etc. I blocked him on social media and when I got my stuff back soaked in cat piss that was the last straw for me. Well after that we dropped all contact, noting for about a year. I was visiting my current boyfriend before moving in with him, I had woken up to two messages on facebook. One from my ex's sister and one from his mom. I ignored his sister's message and read his mother's, that is when I found out he had passed away.

My first emotion was not sadness, it was anger. How dare this woman get a hold of me after how she treated me and expects me to sympathize with her? I chose to ignore it but I did my boyfriends dishes out of anger (I know it's silly but I was trying to distract myself and also hide my feelings). Well my boyfriend found out after lots of pressuring and he then replied to her for me. It was a bit uncalled for at that time yes, but he knew how this woman treated me so I can't fully blame him. I then made sure to block her to prevent more stress. A few weeks go by and I am honestly miserable. All I can think about is my ex, and no one to really talk to. My boyfriend had told me to talk but that is just weird talking about an ex to a current boyfriend, and everyone else I seemed to tell no longer spoke what was on their minds, it was sudden taboo to mention flaws.

I have gone the last two years trying to forget about him again, and get over this constant pain I feel but its hard. As much as I want to forget or deny it now, I loved him and I still do. This hasn't been easy for me and I still to this day struggle to cry for him.

Now is where this ties into Hari, my ex had blue eyes so I took one eye and made it his, the scar from actually putting it in. Her story is that her and her love were fighting for their lives and she lost her eye in the fight. Her mate suffered severe wounds in the fight and gave her his eye so she could continue to see and they could always be one. (Haven't worked out all the details yet but that's the idea)

Thanks for reading through all of this if you did, here's to hoping it has given me some relief, this has been more of a struggle than I could ever imagine.