Don't we all get the thoughts that cant go away? its like, nagging in your head, like a parasite who lives out of your happiness takes up space. Wheres no space, there's no room, that goes without saying, but what i mean is that there's no room for happy thoughts, nor any other though else then that little damn parasite.. In the end, you'll have no one else but your self to blame if you end up walking alone. I'm sure they tried to help you, but all you did was to push them away, make them feel uneasy. "They don't understand" is not excuse, of of course they don't, they have not been through the things you have, unless they have and beaten it already or maybe even suffering right at the moment you tell them to fuck of and leave you alone. In the end, you got no one else to blame, but you.