This isn't everything. Some things I didn't post. Some things I just couldn't find. But this, I think, is most of it. At least most of the important things anyway.




1) Micro-Draggy Noodles
--I posted this long ago, but why do I consider it a failure or unfinished? For the time it looked fine, but I wasn't really happy how some of the things turned out. Namely the hand and the dragon itself.
This isn't high on my list to go back to, but I hope I can go back to it one day.


2) Small house
--A house I was first going to make as practice, then decided to use it for future work in the banners I wanted to make. Before I could make the banners though, I had to make the characters.
I wasn't successful in making them, or rather I started to and didn't finish. Even if I can make a passable body, I seem to always screw up on the head. You'll see this later.


3) Ze***'s Dress
--A dress I made for a friend. Well, a person I knew. I spent 3 months making it (though not sure why it took so long), and this person couldn't literally give me less than 5 minutes of their time to try it on.
This wasn't the first time with them. I had made them free things for years. Even gave them quite a bit of money during this time. And during all of this, it was a lot of hassle just to get a mere 5 minutes with them.
After several months of me feeling as though this wasn't done and I couldn't do better, I paid this person. I wanted to move on from this model, but I felt bad for it not looking so good, so I paid them as a way of saying sorry.
They went on to shame me for asking to hang out too much and being "rude", though this was almost entirely in response to being taken advantage of and being lied to so often.
I see from time to time where they talk about the things people do to them, and I think to myself "what about all the things YOU'VE done to other people?!". It's almost deserved, them getting a taste of their own medicine.
And it makes it hard to feel bad for them because of it. ...But the reality is, I do feel bad, I do still care, I do want to talk to them and hang out and whatnot. But what's the point?
I'll just get taken advantaged of and ignored again, and after so many times of trying with people, I finally started to give up. I got tired of chasing after people, especially when it looked like they were trying to leave anyway.

You might be wondering, why in the world am I'm typing this here? Simply put, it's incidents like this that have really racked my motivation and focus to want to do anything.
I DON'T hate anyone and I'm not trying to shame anyone, though one thing keeps coming to mind during these incidents and when I talk to people: When is anyone ever going to consider MY feelings on the matter?


4) Chucky's plane
--I asked a couple of years ago if I could model a plane for the comic [url=https://www.furaffinity.net/user/chucky]Chucky[url], because the creator was going to do it but changed their minds.
Within a week I was at this point, and then... nothing? This is sadly how a lot of my models go. I actually make good headway (?) at the beginning. Nearing completion almost. And then suddenly, nothing more.
And this makes me feel horrible. There are / could be many reasons why this happens, though at some point, almost none of them are good enough to explain away holding out on stuff like this for years.
I will come back to this soon, make the inside, texture and render this, and hopefully it'll be good enough for Chucky to use.


5) GTX 950 SC
--My attempt at modeling an Nvidia GTX 950 SC. I was starting with the fan and working my way out I guess. It's not important, just practice. Though I do stuff like this with the intention of finishing, and rarely do.


6) Genie Forest
--A submission I planned quite a while ago. I was going to make it a hybrid 3D and 2D submission. Again, for some reason, I just stopped. I keep meaning to come back to these, and before I know it, months, even years pass.
Sometimes I'll temporarily walk away from a submission for a bit to finish something else. I fully intend on coming back and finishing, but again, I rarely do. This didn't use to be a problem in the past. Or maybe it was?


7) The Seaduck
--A person calmly came up to me and asked if I could finish the Seaduck model I had made by modeling the inside, and I agreed. It was harder than I thought as I had not previously made a vehicle interior before.
I thought things were going well, then I stopped for a bit to get a few other submissions. Then to make stuff for, at the time, an indie game team. And some other people. Time kept passing.
Then I kind of got into this rut and still this person waited. They had be waiting patiently on me for FAR too long, and that's absolutely not fair to them.
This was also the ONLY person to have ever considered to pay me. I should have held them in the highest regard, and instead they have been on the back burner longer than anyone.
This kind of stuff really makes me feel bad. I definitely plan on finishing this. What you're looking at is the cockpit, by the way.

I had planned on doing something special for this person, but even that kind of fell through because of circumstances.


8) Coins
--Concepts for some coins I wanted to make for a theoretical nation. I didn't finish as most of this would have had to use drawings of some sort.
I'd like to finish it, but before I can, I gotta sit down and learn how to draw again, heh.


9) Untitled submission
--Actually, I know the title. I just don't want to say it right now. Anyway, another thing I was going to make, but had to halt because I would need to have drawn up some stuff.
Is supposed to be for this brand of drink I wanted to make. I wanted to make my own design of bottle, but I guess I was inspired by SoBe a little too much here.


10) Raptor
--Was going to be a silly but quick model. Barely even got past the basic form. Not sure why I even posted this here.


11) Brick wall
--Not sure why I posted this either. Just some procedural practice.


12) Tiled lands
Briefly saw an image from a tutorial, and wanted to recreate it. Got part way then again I stopped. I'd like to finish it though. I'm not far off.


13) Pillow
--...A pillow. Just following a tutorial I think.


14) Flaming sword
--Wanted to make myself a weapon, and wanted to give it some cool effects. Though couldn't figure out how to correctly do the effects I wanted, and so kind of left it.
Not very important, though I'd like to finish it one day.


15) Penis fly traps
--...Shut up


16) Bathroom
--Another submission that I've already posted, and probably my highest detailed scene to date. I don't consider it a failure, but I did mention that it was unfinished.
There were some things, like the dryer, another door, cords, and some texture that I didn't get to.


17) City
--Though this started out as a tutorial of sorts, I was going to use the information learned here to make a city for the indie game team at the time. Though unfortunately, I was pushed away at almost every step.
At one point when I was designing a building, I was also trying to design some of the city. Or at least use some references to place some buildings and streets. Didn't get that far though, as I was eventually fired.


18) School
--Speaking of which, this is one such building in question. It is in wireframe view so you can see all of the detail you wouldn't see if I had it solid.
Me an another member of an indie game team pretty much came up with the same idea for a school, so I started modeling it. I had been modeling this for 3 days straight. Even streamed the whole thing (to myself apparently).
When I went to show this to the leader, it was pre-rejected. Even though I was told to make a school, they never had any intention on using it. This is not the first time this had happened.
Eventually I became more hesitant about doing things immediately for them. Why, when they're just going to tell me to do something, then immediately reject it. That is a slap in the face, and a mean way to waste someone's time.
Through several similar incidents, being heavily shunned in a team where I should be heavily conversed with, constant complete project overhauls, lack of stability, and an atrocious personality, I still stayed with the leader.
Though some people just can't take a hint for the life of them, and soon after I was fired for a variety of reasons, none of which are true or make any sense. This is easily provable.

Years and months of my time, and even a bit of money, gone. Again.
Are you starting to understand why I might have just a few trust and motivation issues?

Regardless, I wasn't going to touch this model again. I had originally though, after I got fired, that I would finish it to show what it was supposed to look like and what I can really do. But why?
No one listens to you unless you have a mass amount of followers and page views. They'll believe that over, say, a decade of personal history. It's quite maddening.
But lately, I was thinking again. This is MY model. MY creation. Why shouldn't I finish it? Screw them, they don't care about anyone anyway. It's not at all hard to tell. I'll finish this for me.
So, even though it's not a priority, I think that I'll eventually come back to this and finish it the way I was going to originally.


19) Cookies
--Another thing I uploaded, but it wasn't very good so I intended to eventually come back to it. I want to make a much better looking plate of cookies.


20) Fur
--This is not my character. This was just a tutorial I was following. It was; however, my idea to pose them in this way, to show that I had not only completed the tutorial, but had learned some valuable info.
I planned on using these techniques to make other furs, but it's not quite that simple. Not every time. I still mess up at the face, so I have to work on that some more.


21) Zener Kiriban
--A kiriban for Zener, even though I told myself I wouldn't do kiribans anymore. I started this in January. It's effing October now. What even Zex. Again, it only took a few days, maybe a week to get to this point.
Yet something happens, and boom, almost a year goes by. I was and am working on it, and hope to have it done soon. I'm tired of people wait ages on me. Again, this didn't use to be a thing.
But now, it's like I can't get away from it.


22) Bust
--A bust of a friend I was going to make. I stopped because the face didn't look too good to me, and I wanted to get better at them. I may come back to this one day. Actually, I'll have to eventually...


23) Build area
--Something I was working on for Second Life. Though now I hardly use SL. I wanted my own area again. Not just for building, but for hanging out, and showing off I guess.
I want to get on SL more, and I'd like to finish this one day.


24) Face
--Someone recently asked me to make something for them, but I wanted to do them one better. Also, I don't too much like the idea of having submissions that are too similar to each other.
But a lot of time went by. Well, not that much, but it was still taking a while. I'll finish this soon, hopefully.







I don't usually, or at least I don't mean to, make these things so emotional sounding. But as I alluded to earlier, I'm not just a thing that churns out free work. And yet that's how I feel I've been treated by a few.
I don't mind it every so often, though it's not something I want to be used explicitly for.
I have feelings like everyone else, but I feel I wasn't taken seriously at any point or time that I tried to do something. This unfortunately spreads even to offline at my jobs and beyond.

Through so many bad, unnecessary interactions and losing some people, despite literally spending hundreds on them and spending literal years trying to make them happy, I... don't feel so well...
It's hard to find interest in anything. I seem to have lost quite a bit of tolerance.
I feel bad more often, and at least once a week, I get someone asking if I'm alright because I look sad, or someone accusing me of hating them.

But it's almost always about them. What I'm giving them. How they are feeling. What they'll get in return.
And when it comes to me, suddenly everyone needs to go. Suddenly I'm a bad person. Suddenly no one has the time. Suddenly no one can find an answer.

I'm not trying to shame anyone or make anyone feel bad, even though I've been made to feel this way far too many times. It affects more than just the speed of my work. I do miss everyone and want to talk and hang out.
But I'm tired to chasing after people. I'm just going to get shunned again. It's just going to slow my work down further. I'm just going to lose a lot more time and a lot more money again.
So, even though I still have to worry about these feelings and worries and whatnot, I'm trying to pull motivation and happiness from somewhere. I want to finish these things. I want to get better. I don't want to anger anyone else.

I realize that in almost all of these cases, the time that people had to wait was excessive, and there's almost nothing I can say to rectify that.
Still, I want to apologize for taking such an excessive amount of time making things, and for some people not getting anything at all.
In my quest to get better, sometimes I have to relearn things or retry things. One such thing is sleep. While it might not seem like such a big deal to many, it's incredibly important.
Me staying up until 5... that can't keep happening anymore. But I wanted to get this submission up.


I'll figure out ways to not only get better, but to upload more and upload faster.
For now, I just want to say that if you actually read through all of this, then thank you, and I'm sorry.
Please have a good night.