Consider me hooked! I simply cannot wait to see how Acrathia and Cassandra play into this tangled web of anger and hurt, given Acrathia's devotion to her protege. I also am curious to learn more of Steve and Dryas. They are quite compelling people. ^^ Well done.

You don't know how rewarding it is to hear that. I am so glad you enjoyed it. Dryas is actually my current D&D character, and he has been a lot of fun to play, very different from my usual characters. Steve interestingly enough was a complete throw away character that I came up with on the fly, but now I have grown weirdly attached to him so expect him to be fleshed out a bit better in the future

I got an inkling of D&D influence when I read he was a paladin for the goddess of the moon. Now it all makes sense! And I look forward to seeing how Steve develops. Gotta love it when they surprise you like that

I pray you will forgive me if my initial criticism sounds harsh. I'm writing this as a comprehensive whole to help you and  BearRodeo as writers and authors.

First off, I very much enjoyed the initial characterization of our servant/author. You established his controlled mindset very well and helped to flesh him out as a strong character right from the get-go. Then there was Acrathia. She is as enigmatic as always, which I do very much enjoy. That being said, as the story progressed, it reached points that seemed almost cringe-worthy for me. Among those being the misuse of archaic language. When addressing someone directly, it's supposed to be "thou." As in "thou art cursed," "Thou shalt not kill," Etc. Thee is to be used when referring to instances when inflicting something on someone. "A pox upon thee!" is a common example. Then there is thy. "I find thy face repugnant." Different applications for different modes of address and methods of speech. I would recommend BearRodeo study some scriptures or Shakespeare to get a better idea of how to utilize the grammar of old English.

I know this was an RP, and thus I should expect some of the writing to be disjointed, but it definitely became jarring father along as you each tried to write for the author reacting to each person and the others addressing the author. It left me feeling unattached to the flow of the story. I felt like I was being told more than I was seeing/witnessing. There were points where I was also feeling like the hammer was literally being beat over my head about "this person is evil" or "this might just work!" You also kept hammering the same reaction over and over again with disbelief over the sorceress actually affording an opportunity to help in the first place. And while it may be possible for this person who was found to be an example of goodness in the world, I frankly couldn't bear reading through those portions, because of how disinterested and pushed back I was by the other plot elements. The exposition is just too much. There wasn't enough balance between the dialogue and description.

And while the imagery was all right in some places, I still noted some inconsistencies that just didn't add up. For example, you have three knights that attacked the village. Just three. I'm sorry, but no matter how you slice it, there's no way that the whole village would allow themselves to be burned alive in their stalls and houses. Anyone nimble enough could easily outpace the knights in full armor. There would have to have been a large enough force to corral them, and all of them would have to have similar morals. Most reasonable men and women would seek to trade and speak diplomatically, and any troops being ordered without just cause by their commanding officer to attack another place like this is wrong. Most troops would have said so and sought to convince their leader to choose a separate path. The immigrants would likely have been just as appalled, since most immigrants are generally men and women seeking to make a new life for themselves away from persecution, trials, and the law in general (usually corrupt or highly biased against them in the first place). The idea of seven years of long torture also makes no sense. How would Edeina even have known that he suffered seven years longer if she escaped with her mother and never saw the village again? Did she scry him? And how come the settlers allowed these men to carry on like this? If the man truly was innocent, then most of the would have insisted the knights stop and let the man go, not to mention prevent the village from getting torched in the first place. It's just not diplomatic. The immigrants and knights essentially performed what would qualify as an act of war to anyone else in that land/nation/country.

By the time I got down to the discussions with the individuals to figure out who the author wanted to pick, I was thoroughly disinterested and wanted to skip over most of the segments there. As I said, there needs to be more showing and less telling in the exposition. The appearance at the city was okay. I just had trouble going through that portion to read line for line, so I can't accurately critique that section. I would simply advise you to be more careful.

I also have noticed a tendency for more wordiness with your author, Nerull. And that's okay. In some places, it worked very well. But in others, it just seemed too much, too flowery, especially for a common man who is a writer. Most people in that sort of circumstance facing down a powerful sorceress who is gripping him by the throat would have been much shorter in protests. Even frightened, that much should still hold true, just as it did for his interactions with Acrathia.

I did appreciate the touch on humanity and the fact that Edeina was essentially taking on the same role as the knights that had hurt her in the first place. That was an excellent point to pull on her, and the fact that he asked her if she would even bother giving him a chance if she didn't have misgivings of her own.

That being said, I have to ask, did she try reading the man's mind or just instantly turn him to stone? I didn't get to read that part, since I was skimming by then. (I have some of my regular work I have do, so I couldn't spend the time being thorough in those later portions.)

If our tricky former knight managed to sneak out away from the farm, that begs the question how he managed it and what he has planned as well. There didn't seem to be any indication of such a plan to leave. The sudden insistence that he'd learned his lesson seemed a bit forceful, especially given how he seemed so derisive with his children's happiness/praise of Edeina. And the fact that you tell us about his role in the attack before we see the flashback is also confusing. As I said, better to show, not to tell. Help our author to recognize the man in the flashback or have Edenia explain or show it somehow in the flashback in her mind, so he can recognize this former knight. These are all ways you can have it appear more smoothly to justify the punishment, rather than just telling us about it via exposition in the barn that interrupts the flow of the story.

And while I can understand Edeina acting so angry, I find it difficult to believe that time wouldn't have cooled her a bit. And then there was her mother. I'm sorry, but the mother's soul would likely have been able to see her daughter's rage and know that it was wrong. She took her vengeance. To attack all humanity and seek to change it as well is wrong, as was pointed out. I should think her mother would try to convince her of that, even as she acted to comfort and love her. And the very act of altering a person's mind to force them to be a certain way would definitely have struck a cord with the mother's spirit. Of that, I am certain. Magic may well have been acceptable to her, but using it for such a purpose would definitely not sit well with a woman who raised her daughter with love and kindness. The scars altering a young and impressionable mind to be so rageful, I can believe. A mother with far more experience and understanding of the world and how it works? Not so much.

The casual way in which you threw in the talk of Edeina somehow limiting Acrathia's powers due to a lying wizard also left me a little confused. Was this the master who gave her the spellbook in the first place? Was it someone else later on? What happened there?

As a whole for a fast RP, it was pretty good. I just think it needs some refinement to really draw in a reader and hold them there for the whole time through.
I hope this criticism helps the both of you as you work to develop the stories of your characters and the worlds in which they dwell. I'm looking forward to seeing what you all come up with next.

~Omni

First of all thank you for your criticism, I do really appreciate that you took the time to read and analyze what we wrote. I think most of your advice is spot on and will significantly help tighten my writing. I do have a few counter arguements, and I will attempt to answer some of the questions you have regarding my part in the story, though I cannot speak on BearRodeo's part.

Into the part of three knights I believe he specified that that was just the boat Sebastian and his luitenants were on and that there was a whole host of soldiers on boats behind them. (I thought the same thing too)Also I questioned whether or not that vision was how it really happened or if it is how she remembered it. I kind of like the ambiguity.

Acrathia being tricked by the wizard... oh boy is that a long story. She likes to refer to him as a "hack wizard" but a lot of that is her bitterness talking. Needless to say he would have to be more than some "hack wizard" to be able to disrupt the ritual of one as powerful as Acrathia, but more of that will come up in the next session.

As for my sometimes cumbersome dialogue, the author character is largely based on myself, And...sadly I do...talk that way...sometimes (Thank you Asperger's Syndrome! You ability to make me awkward never ceases to amaze me!) Looking back on it my dialogue was fairly repetitive, and I do apologize if that made it difficult to get through. When I wrote Steve, the intention was to have him be a fairly average, run of the mill guy. I say that because I thought I was being extra careful to keep his dialogue more suited to the average everyday person. If you noticed that some of my more clunky dialogue seeping through with him please let me know so I can avoid that in the future

The scene where Steve was turned to stone, there was a brief description that Enedia scanned his soul, and surprisingly seemed completely satisfied. Despite him being a normal average guy it did seem that he had impeccable morals. Which caught me all the more off guard when she petrified him (That was one of my favorite scenes I reread it a lot)

While I did leap to the defense of some our decisions, I think that your criticism shows that we do have a lot of areas to improve on, or at the very least be more clear with what we are trying to say. A lot of my mistakes I notice after I have already posted it, and doing most of this via smartphone gives me very little mobility in the editing department. I can't tell you how glad it makes me that you enjoyed the story overall and that you will be reading it's sequel. Furthermore I want to stress that I feel your critique was fair and that on my part you have helped me want to improve my writing. Because I cannot say thank you enough times, thank you for providing such an honest, well thought out and in depth analysis for our work!

Thanks for the clarification, Nerull. Though, if you don't mind my saying so, if having aspergers is a part of your character, and you're the real author for Acrathia, why not include that as a part of the character for the author? It would be an interesting point to use, since aspergers is a unique condition that varies from person to person in its severity and symptoms. Plus, it allows you to write what you know and can relate to personally. Those are the best sources to use for writing, because it allows you to take it, describe it, and make it feel real to the reader.

For example:

I had the unique experience of going spelunking once in a small cave system. I can only describe it as thrilling. A few feet into the adventure, the temperature dropped below freezing. You could actually see your breath in the air by the cave mouth, and pools of frozen water formed sheets of clouded ice that refracted our flashlight beams as we progressed. Piles of fallen rock created fun obstacle courses where our hoodies scraped against the mud-brown stalactites on the ceiling and stalagmites poked in tiny ridges along the stone floor to massage our feet through the soles. Black, gray, silver, gold, and neon spray paints adorned the walls at various points, marking the passing of the many spelunkers that had preceded us. When we reached the back at last, we posed for a series of photos as a mark of our triumph, boldness, and whimsicality. And then we returned to the open air and the warmth of the great outdoors, where the normal laws of nature reasserted themselves and the world was as it had been before.

Never will I forget the strangeness and the novelty of that inverted world, where darkness is light and nature the only sculptor.

---

As you can see, I was able to describe these things in detail, because I was there. I felt, smelled, tasted, heard, and saw everything. The closer it is to you, the more vivid and real you can make it sound as you write about it. That's one of the best pieces of advice in writing I ever received. And the other is to read like there's no tomorrow. XD The more you read, the better a sense you'll have as to how to improve on your own writing style. You read to write, and you write to read. Funny, isn't it, how paradoxical it is?

I look forward to reading more from you in the future. Keep at it, Nerull.

That is great advice. I could be a little better when it comes to being descriptive. Sometimes I will want to go into more detail, but then I panic and worry that I am being too long winded or incoherent. I had been trying to incorporate a whole less is more philosophy, but I don't think I am pulling it off properly. Also I tend to write what flies into my mind are the time, and then I look back and go 'What the hell was I thinking!' Which also further adds to my frustration on the whole ' I can't edit well enough on this goddamned PHONE!!!!!!!' (Sorry venting a little). The passage you wrote looked to me like you added the perfect amount of detail. Do you have any advice as to when I should keep going with a descriptionand when I should shut the hell up?

The best advice I can give is to help us see and experience the room or location properly. Once we're able to get a general idea of the layout and surroundings, along with one or two other senses to give more insight, you can move into the story progression itself. It all depends on each scenario, but a standard rule of thumb is to always include at least two of the senses in any scene. Sight is a given, so you just have to add one or two of the others. You'll note I used touch as my other descriptor.

Make sure the scene is set up enough for a person to picture it clearly without muddying the forward motion of the story. One can usually manage to fit a description of a location within a paragraph or so.

For example:

The barn doors creaked noisily as the deer girl pulled them open to reveal the structure within. A series of empty stalls laid on either side, cordoned off with a thick braided rope connected to hooks. The scent of dry wood, fresh hay, and dust mingled with the faint undertone of horse, cow, and sheep manure. Paint sagged in chips from the beams overhead and a series of tin buckets lay in a drunken pile next to a water trough. Extra buckets sat next to feed bins mounted next to the makeshift gates to offer food and drink to the creatures Edeina likely once housed there, and may well house again in the future.

"How ... cozy," Joseph said as he stepped into the room.

"Is it him? Is he here?" a timid voice quavered from behind one of the walls.

"I said I would bring him," [insert deer woman's name here] said as she pulled the doors closed behind them. "Come out, everyone. There's much to discuss, and we haven't much time."

---

Voila. As you can see, I was able to set up the scene suitably with a single paragraph. Sometimes more will be required, sometimes less. It depends on how important the place or things listed in said place will be later on. You'll note I was able to use the stalls as a hiding place for at lest one of the people that were meeting there to discuss Edeina and stopping her plans for world transformation.

That was...really good. It was great in fact. I may need to ask BearRodeo's permission to rewrite this in that format once we are done. Thank you once again for all of your wonderful advice.

My pleasure.

It's taken me a while to come back to this response, so I'll answer what I can from your notes and constructive criticism.

"...as the story progressed, it reached points that seemed almost cringe-worthy for me. Among those being the misuse of archaic language. When addressing someone directly, it's supposed to be "thou." As in "thou art cursed," "Thou shalt not kill," Etc. Thee is to be used when referring to instances when inflicting something on someone. "A pox upon thee!" is a common example. Then there is thy. "I find thy face repugnant." Different applications for different modes of address and methods of speech. I would recommend BearRodeo study some scriptures or Shakespeare to get a better idea of how to utilize the grammar of old English..."

The misuse of archaic language is entirely my fault. It's because I wanted to make Enedia, Sebastian and Laura to sound "like they did from that era", so I ran what I wanted to say through a Shakespearean text generator from whatever website I found, so yes, I do agree that it is entirely cringe-worthy on my behalf. As for me studying scriptures or Shakespeare, yeah, that isn't going to happen any time soon, especially with Uni happening at this point (and hopefully for the next two years as well).

"I know this was an RP, and thus I should expect some of the writing to be disjointed, but it definitely became jarring father along as you each tried to write for the author reacting to each person and the others addressing the author. It left me feeling unattached to the flow of the story. I felt like I was being told more than I was seeing/witnessing. There were points where I was also feeling like the hammer was literally being beat over my head about "this person is evil" or "this might just work!" You also kept hammering the same reaction over and over again with disbelief over the sorceress actually affording an opportunity to help in the first place. And while it may be possible for this person who was found to be an example of goodness in the world, I frankly couldn't bear reading through those portions, because of how disinterested and pushed back I was by the other plot elements. The exposition is just too much. There wasn't enough balance between the dialogue and description"


I do see this as my fault, considering how much Nerull has done RP's like this beforehand, and I was just new to this world of RPing. While collecting all the notes for this RP, I did see this as well, having the cursees described in a way like they were already greeting each other, just to have the dialogue cut in from the cursees saying hello. It did feel unnecessary, looking back at it, so the criticism should be directed towards me for that.

"...I still noted some inconsistencies that just didn't add up. For example, you have three knights that attacked the village. Just three. I'm sorry, but no matter how you slice it, there's no way that the whole village would allow themselves to be burned alive in their stalls and houses. Anyone nimble enough could easily outpace the knights in full armor. There would have to have been a large enough force to corral them, and all of them would have to have similar morals. Most reasonable men and women would seek to trade and speak diplomatically, and any troops being ordered without just cause by their commanding officer to attack another place like this is wrong. Most troops would have said so and sought to convince their leader to choose a separate path. The immigrants would likely have been just as appalled, since most immigrants are generally men and women seeking to make a new life for themselves away from persecution, trials, and the law in general (usually corrupt or highly biased against them in the first place). The idea of seven years of long torture also makes no sense. How would Edeina even have known that he suffered seven years longer if she escaped with her mother and never saw the village again? Did she scry him? And how come the settlers allowed these men to carry on like this? If the man truly was innocent, then most of the would have insisted the knights stop and let the man go, not to mention prevent the village from getting torched in the first place. It's just not diplomatic. The immigrants and knights essentially performed what would qualify as an act of war to anyone else in that land/nation/country"

This one is entirely my fault. Yes, as I've continued the story of Enedia and the cursees, this has been a problem that I've encountered. The reason? I wrote the story at four in the morning as soon as I thought about it. I basically woke up, grabbed my laptop and started writing whatever I could before the idea left my mind. So all the cringe-worthy dialogue and the story making completely no sense from the flashback in this story is because I woke up, wanting to write this weird story, just so I had something that I could flesh out a bit more when I woke up. I basically wrote anything that I thought was alright back then. Hopefully, I'm doing better.... hopefully. As I've come back to this idea, I have rethought it and how it actually happened. Nerull's ideas of there being more boats with more knights is definitely better.

"I did appreciate the touch on humanity and the fact that Edeina was essentially taking on the same role as the knights that had hurt her in the first place. That was an excellent point to pull on her, and the fact that he asked her if she would even bother giving him a chance if she didn't have misgivings of her own"

I really did enjoy that part. Working with Nerull, both with his characters and my own, is fantastic, and most importantly, helpful to adapt my own into far more defined characters than they were.

"That being said, I have to ask, did she try reading the man's mind or just instantly turn him to stone? I didn't get to read that part, since I was skimming by then. (I have some of my regular work I have do, so I couldn't spend the time being thorough in those later portions.)"

She did, realizing that there was some good humans out in that world. It's just that she discovered someone who was a part of destroying her village. Cassandra. So, her mind was made up, no matter if Steve was good or not, she wanted Cassandra to be her pet.

"If our tricky former knight managed to sneak out away from the farm, that begs the question how he managed it and what he has planned as well. There didn't seem to be any indication of such a plan to leave. The sudden insistence that he'd learned his lesson seemed a bit forceful, especially given how he seemed so derisive with his children's happiness/praise of Edeina. And the fact that you tell us about his role in the attack before we see the flashback is also confusing. As I said, better to show, not to tell. Help our author to recognize the man in the flashback or have Edenia explain or show it somehow in the flashback in her mind, so he can recognize this former knight. These are all ways you can have it appear more smoothly to justify the punishment, rather than just telling us about it via exposition in the barn that interrupts the flow of the story"

The flashback that Enedia had I should have written better. You are absolutely right by having Enedia show who one of the knights were, seeing how she shown the author herself, standing up to them, before her mother and her escaped. As for where Sebastian went? He was summoned by Enedia's author in Acrathia's realm from the previous RP. I thought it would be interesting to have her not notice how he left, and be more concerned that the author was "trying to free them".

"And while I can understand Edeina acting so angry, I find it difficult to believe that time wouldn't have cooled her a bit. And then there was her mother. I'm sorry, but the mother's soul would likely have been able to see her daughter's rage and know that it was wrong. She took her vengeance. To attack all humanity and seek to change it as well is wrong, as was pointed out. I should think her mother would try to convince her of that, even as she acted to comfort and love her. And the very act of altering a person's mind to force them to be a certain way would definitely have struck a cord with the mother's spirit. Of that, I am certain. Magic may well have been acceptable to her, but using it for such a purpose would definitely not sit well with a woman who raised her daughter with love and kindness. The scars altering a young and impressionable mind to be so rageful, I can believe. A mother with far more experience and understanding of the world and how it works? Not so much"

Again, entirely my fault for this one. As I've explored more of the realm and more of the history that her mother had, she has seen what Enedia has done, and she does believe that it is incredibly wrong. I know that this sounds like excuse after excuse, I completely understand that. I haven't really been drawing more writing towards that, or the other problems that people have brought up with this realm.

Hopefully you enjoyed the other RP's that both Nerull and I did, and I hope we had developed more with these characters.

Honestly, it's just you acknowledging and addressing the points that I made. And that's good. It means you see what I was talking about and are willing to improve. My guess is you likely have improved since this RP, considering the amount of time that's passed since it was posted. And I'm looking forward to learning more of how Edeina evolves with your other characters. Though, I would recommend that if you do write something out at 4AM (something which I'm also guilty of doing. :P) that you might want to run over it again at a later time, just to be certain that it doesn't need revision or fleshing out.

Keep up the good work, BR.