It was rather sweet and cute. More of a Childs story or even a lesser fable in presentation. Still in writing take your time. Your tenses were all over the place and your transitions were ill. It lacked in a higher developed plot and characterization. It is all of the rhetoric(or image you wish to present) Vs. what your text presents vs. what your audience is supposed to receive. So take time in your story developments and you could go quite far. I mean no offence in my observations and opinions.

thanks for the reply and yes i tend to work at night and get tired and during school most of my english teachers rarly focused on characterization, but thanks for the help