I made a lost of mistakes last year. pressure form being better and working on fix things wrong in my life just seemed to turn the opposite manner for me and I made even more mistakes. Almost left my job. out of anger one night from all the crap I had going on. and even ended a relationship with someone I adored cause it felt like every time I was told about something it felt like I was just being blamed for something.. shortly after that when the work I do went into peak season string of events from breaking furniture to my car brake down and fight with my own family almost pushed me to kill my self. I still have that note on my desktop now reminded myself how far I fell this last year. I want it to warn me don't let yourself go down that far again and for a bit, it worked. I started drawing more. giving of a free doodle on discords and so forth.. but then I met someone online that seemed a lot like my ex. when inquired a bit I was treated with silences which only made my mind race to the thought it was them.. and all the guilt and crushing depression I been working on pushing away slams back into me. I feel worthless, I don't want to do anything but sit and rot away. it takes two to hold a relationship and I know I should not shoulder everything but I screwed up so bad with old habits trying to escape the stress of my daily life. pressure to move another place, the pressure to push the leech of a roommate out that does next to nothing, the pressure to work harder at my job form my bosses even though I'm trying my best tall ready. it cripples me with doubts about self-worth. long distances relation with no ability to embrace the other left me more depressed I could not just up and go to them. perhaps I just need physical contact. In any case, I just feel awful and sluggish. I don't know how to lose this weight ii have on myself. I know I need to keep moving forward but right now. I cannot let go of things. I am an idiot, and always struggling with my life. to change, and keep moving. cannot keep good things in my life cause I mess them up when times are harsh. I have to keep going on but right now it feels hopeless.