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Right, so here's the first part of my NaNoWriMo project, where I have to write 50,000 words in the months of November. As a consequence, there may be, in fact, probably will be errors in this. Kindly point these out to me as you go.
But about the story! It is my first attempt at a science fiction novel (so any comments about that too would be useful), and takes place in the not-too-distant future, in the fairly early days of interstellar colonisation.
Note that this is the unnamed sci-fi story that I posted that teaser of a while back. There have been quite a few changes since that, but is largely the same story.
There is a little bit of bad language in the story (first time a character of mine has ever sworn), but nothing major enough to give it a mature rating. I'm sure you'll all cope.
Read and enjoy!
But about the story! It is my first attempt at a science fiction novel (so any comments about that too would be useful), and takes place in the not-too-distant future, in the fairly early days of interstellar colonisation.
Note that this is the unnamed sci-fi story that I posted that teaser of a while back. There have been quite a few changes since that, but is largely the same story.
There is a little bit of bad language in the story (first time a character of mine has ever sworn), but nothing major enough to give it a mature rating. I'm sure you'll all cope.
Read and enjoy!
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Mammal (Other)
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 42 kB
This is Rys from SciFiFur, providing some of the feedback you requested.
First of all, the story itself. I'm afraid that I'm far from a professional reviewer of literature, so my thoughts aren't very specific. All I can think of to say at the moment, actually, is that I find it interesting and not unpleasant. I have been told before that that is a nearly useless review to give something, but at the moment it's the best I can do.
Moving on, I've tried to find all of the mistakes I could.
There [were] just stars, planets, and nearby asteroids visible in the Cerian sky.
And that was not a thought Rhys much liked, [for] it meant something [] was [badly] amiss.
The intercom system used on Ceres was devilishly outdated and unreliable[, and] needed every bit of assistance [its] users could give in maintaining clarity of the messages[] and the longevity of the system in general. [It] needed replacing, but there was much else that needed fixing and [modernizing] first.
There were few safe routes through the Asteroid Belt [] Ceres was located in the centre of.
If anyone had been paying attention they’d have known that Rhys had made the distance faster than any human personnel had [run] it, but no one had been.
For along each side of the room was a myriad of computers of varying purposes[,] from navigation to communication and the control of the entire outpost.
“In short, the Dawn is in the hands of the C.G.P. and [we are] expecting an attack within the next twenty-four hours,” Admiral Garter replied gravely.
“Any suggestions then, Captain?[] We can’t risk a mass exodus,”
There are also, I'm afraid, some more fundamental problems I've spotted. At one point it is said that "There had been no sign of them less than half an hour ago, which meant they had to be at least three hours away.". The problem is that it is nearly impossible to hide in open space. It turns out that the ship wasn't hiding in open space, of course, but the base personnel should have realized that something was up when they couldn't find it. I've found http://www.projectrho.com/rocket/ a wonderful resource that you might want to take a look at. Then again, you've also included teleporters, so it's possible that they've stealth technology that we don't even suspect the existence of, thus rendering this problem nonexistent. A more difficult problem is your description of Sol's asteroid belt as very thick and difficult to get through. Taken from Wikipedia: Contrary to popular imagery, the asteroid belt is mostly empty. The asteroids are spread over such a large volume that it would be highly improbable to reach an asteroid without aiming carefully. I'm afraid I've few ideas for solutions to this at present. Resetting the story in a gas giant's rings might give you the density you require, but I don't think that any of the rings in the Sol system include objects anywhere near the size of Ceres. The only really workable solution I've been able to think of is to set the story in a nearly-identical alternate universe where, for one reason or another, the asteroid belt is quite a bit more densely packed. That would probably generate new problems, but it's the best I can do. I hope that I've been of some help to you.
First of all, the story itself. I'm afraid that I'm far from a professional reviewer of literature, so my thoughts aren't very specific. All I can think of to say at the moment, actually, is that I find it interesting and not unpleasant. I have been told before that that is a nearly useless review to give something, but at the moment it's the best I can do.
Moving on, I've tried to find all of the mistakes I could.
There [were] just stars, planets, and nearby asteroids visible in the Cerian sky.
And that was not a thought Rhys much liked, [for] it meant something [] was [badly] amiss.
The intercom system used on Ceres was devilishly outdated and unreliable[, and] needed every bit of assistance [its] users could give in maintaining clarity of the messages[] and the longevity of the system in general. [It] needed replacing, but there was much else that needed fixing and [modernizing] first.
There were few safe routes through the Asteroid Belt [] Ceres was located in the centre of.
If anyone had been paying attention they’d have known that Rhys had made the distance faster than any human personnel had [run] it, but no one had been.
For along each side of the room was a myriad of computers of varying purposes[,] from navigation to communication and the control of the entire outpost.
“In short, the Dawn is in the hands of the C.G.P. and [we are] expecting an attack within the next twenty-four hours,” Admiral Garter replied gravely.
“Any suggestions then, Captain?[] We can’t risk a mass exodus,”
There are also, I'm afraid, some more fundamental problems I've spotted. At one point it is said that "There had been no sign of them less than half an hour ago, which meant they had to be at least three hours away.". The problem is that it is nearly impossible to hide in open space. It turns out that the ship wasn't hiding in open space, of course, but the base personnel should have realized that something was up when they couldn't find it. I've found http://www.projectrho.com/rocket/ a wonderful resource that you might want to take a look at. Then again, you've also included teleporters, so it's possible that they've stealth technology that we don't even suspect the existence of, thus rendering this problem nonexistent. A more difficult problem is your description of Sol's asteroid belt as very thick and difficult to get through. Taken from Wikipedia: Contrary to popular imagery, the asteroid belt is mostly empty. The asteroids are spread over such a large volume that it would be highly improbable to reach an asteroid without aiming carefully. I'm afraid I've few ideas for solutions to this at present. Resetting the story in a gas giant's rings might give you the density you require, but I don't think that any of the rings in the Sol system include objects anywhere near the size of Ceres. The only really workable solution I've been able to think of is to set the story in a nearly-identical alternate universe where, for one reason or another, the asteroid belt is quite a bit more densely packed. That would probably generate new problems, but it's the best I can do. I hope that I've been of some help to you.
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