The last three months have been rough- it's like dying in slow motion and no one knows what's wrong. Back to the hospital this week for the zillionth time and the newest rounds of tests didn't shed any light. They recommended trying a CT scan- except I've already had three.

I try not to show it in front of my family, who are nice enough to take of me right now and loan me money to pay my bills, but it's miserable and damn it hurts. Not even the dilaudid everyday takes away all the pain. I just don't want them to feel badly about me feeling badly. We're all adults, but your Mum and Dad never stop being your Mum and Dad. They love you and worry about you and feel your pain. I don't want them to worry. I just wish I could hurry up and do whatever I need to do to get better. It's hard when no one can say what's wrong. At least I can eat once a day now, and drink regularly. Without hydromorphone or morphine or phentenol I can't even drink water. :/ Somedays no real apetite so a banana will do me the whole day but at least I can eat and drink enough to get by and don't have to go to the ER for drips to keep hydrated and get electrolites. I usually manage around 900 calories on a good day. It's enough, I mean some people can last 8 weeks without food- I have enough 'fat stores', trust me. :p It's not fun though. My gums are bleeding from malnutrition(I'm taking a multi-vitamin when I can drink, and using my raw food juicer) and I don't have the energy most days to walk to the end of the cul-de-sac. My body temperature has been low for months, I go into chock and have to be hospitalised when I eat or drink without painkillers. Life really stinks right now.

I know I'll get through this. I'm lucky to live in a country with free health care so I can actually go to hopsital and the doctor as poor as I am. And I'm lucky to have any kind of health care at all. I'm lucky I don't have a deadly brain tumour or bone cancer. It's just really miserable and I feel like complaining. So I am.

And yeah maybe this picture is EMO and people like to laugh at that stuff but you'd probably be feeling pretty EMO if you were in my paws right now too.