so this is just a vent art and a...vague talk about some feelings plaguing me. i've not been inactive because i'm off having fun or forgot about y'all haha. im okay i just had to get out the overwhelming feeling ya know?

so i was too much of a terminally-depressed chickenshit in 2018 to actually get the help i needed. didn't get a doctor, didn't get a therapist, didn't get medicated, didn't get on HRT.

so i'm doing a therapy and trying to get my life together because i miss this, i miss being here, i miss being myself and thriving in supporting myself. the cracks that'd been patched in the end of 2016/start of 2017 got broke the fuck open and i've been pretending otherwise for the better part of a year and a half which set back...god, everything. "this'll be the time i start up this project, oh this'll be so cool when i finally feel better enough to do this" "soon!" -- more like never, and the crushing guilt that comes with that cycle.

my brain is a tangled mess of interconnected traumas and survival strategies that are present in every waking moment. everything is connected, everything pulls on one of those strings. i'm finally looking back and saying, yes, these are things to have PTSD about, it's okay.

it's hard. i'm scared a lot. the paralysis is unreal. it's not easy. but on the other side of this block there has to be the thing i've been surviving for, and that's a motivation. this past week has been a goddamn sucker punch to my mental health tho, for reasons unrelated to drawing; and two days of difficult art makes me TERRIFIED that i'm sinking back into a relapse of the torturous experience that was trying to create in 2018. i don't want that. i'll give anything to have it not be that.

holy shit it's been a long year and it's only feb 7...