Well, most folks can’t read this format so reposting it as a .rtf, a .docx, a .pdf, or a .txt encoded in utf-8 will allow for more readers.
I’ll give it a critique when that is said and done

There, it's a .txt file now. For some reason my computer won't let me save it as a pdf which I would much prefer @>@

Alright, well as usual we should start with the beginning. Beginnings serve to draw an audience into a work, from the first word, of the first sentence, of the first paragraph, until the last.

As of right now, you have juggernaut sentences that only skit being run ons because they have their proper grammar and a purpose.


This is a lot to unpack and in a way kills the audience fast, breaking up these sentences into smaller descriptions tied to action and a single subject would help. Think of it as a draw distance thing, the longer an audience takes to get to a subject in relationship to a essential purpose in the work the less they care.

Darkness, the warm, humid, and musky heat of breath wetting an itchy woolen cloth that wrapped around (3 commas and a floating conjunction no subject in sight) the poor creature's head (That’s some draw distance to this subject) as he was forced to walk forward; this was what the creature felt. His wet muzzle chaffed on the rough texture of the cowl that blinding (Blinded/wetness also repeated twice) his path as he stumbled along.

Think of what is important to say and show, what is important for scene, and for your audience to understand as you create sentences. This is a draft of course usually after first draft comes cleanup for the barf we writer’s throw upon the page.


Description: You have a bad habit of providing loads of character details when you introduce a character. It slows down flow. Keep it to a few details tied to action and reinforce it later throughout the text, which you actually do well naturally.


You often slip in your tenses: Make sure to use past tense, not present, as an audience perceives happening in past tense automatically which is weird, but that’s how our brains are wired.

Ex: The man paused for a moment instead of pauses.


Logos: Logic issues. When we write stories there is a triangle relationship of certain elements:
Audience versus text versus author and logic versus emotional soundness vs logic. When these things are not balanced the work tends to fall a part as holes begin to appear in the work. Taking a step back and asking questions on these relationships to a work can help solve problem.


So we have beings that can cast magic such as control over fire used as slaves? You need to provide a reason why this is not an issue for the slave owners. Many holes are beginning to appear due to this simple question.


Plot Majorius and complexity: There is a certain degree of WTF the audience is willing to take with a plot, an issue is so many things nowadays try to slam so much into a major plot, when it is the small the stuff that often counts. Occam’s razor is the simple answer is best. We have a greedy guy who blew a shit ton on a slave due to a foreign book and a current war with what seems to be a minor faction (that is both attacking and not?) hoping to make money because of this slaves relationship with possible deities ascribed in the book? - Read that again think on every issue that crops up and the holes that need patching. The only thing this plot is standing on is 1. The man’s insane levels of greed and 2. An ugly issue I will discuss further down.


2. We have a random hybrid fox/dog slave who some how has been exchanged master, who knows fire magic, and is still a slave, still bought by a greedy dipshit with his trusty dagger that will do the trick (like that will do good against magic fire), who is named after another race’s god whom he has an infinity with, as it is written in a book……………. Again, holes need patched, the point is this is a lot of surprisingly high yield character traits that add to the Mary Sue board and distort a sense of disbelief in the world, character, and the plot. It turns into what is the point and purpose of the work. If this was all thrown out the window within the first chapter as some antitrope humor I suppose it works.


Dialogue: Some of your dialogue is pretty weird, no offence, some of it leads to logic holes, other times it just seems to come out of nowhere in an unnatural way. Think on who these characters are: Action, and reaction. As of now it seems to be plot exposition at the speed of sound. Every action has a reaction much like in the strong action description you use. Actually, you have a knack for tagging your dialogue with action, it is simply the weird dialogue itself. Most of it being the human slaver’s explanation of his ideas which Amuun’s response seems to be pretty straight lace. Think of what needs to be said and why, and how to more naturally frame in that action reaction frame on who these character’s are.


The other: The simple other story is always week. All human’s are bad and slavers leads to generalization, though we don’t have it now, culture is complex and individuals are complex, simply do not depend on this crutch for the work. There is room to explore, but turning it into an anthro versus human story would make the work lose a lot of its identity and sense of awe and the fantastic which is what good fantasy thrives on. Your audience is human after all.

“humans weren't exactly the top of the social hierarchy.” ~~this sentence though is perhaps the greatest gold mine that would suck any one that pays attention to the work, it begs exploring, and the audience wants it explored badly. How many races are on this plane, what social pressure puts human’s in this so so category. Is this a reflection of your ominesscnt, but voiceless frame narrator, or is it only the reflection of Anuun’s thoughts.. a quaint slave’s thoughts.



Well, it is mainly the holes that need patched. I liked most the begging with a unknown slave in an unknown place put for sale. You also do very good at reinforcing scene through dialogue tags. When you use character description it too comes off naturally and helps build a sense of character and their attitude. The work is up to you, what direction you wish to take it, how you patch the holes, how much you wish to reinforce an audience’s sense of disbelief with plot, world, and characters. Best of luck with the rest.

Thank you very much for the feedback. Hopefully whenever I work through it again I can address some of the issues you pointed out. I think a lot of the plot holes you see get fixed with further reading as the world gets better described over time, but I can definitely see where I could use some work introducing the world here.

Ooooo weeee. You got me hooked. Whens the next chapter?

I could link you to some unedited chapters if ya want