Sorry it took me so long to get to this, I was visiting family this weekend, out of town. So let's get down to business. :)

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I think that your world is awesome. Where I think there's a bit of awkwardness is in how you choose to describe it directly. For example, this story starts out with a description of Maro's race and stuff.

Why this matters is because, honestly, this kind of thing is boring to the reader, if they get it before they get The Big Beginning Question, and some personal investment in your character. Peppering in a phrase or two that explains your world more fully over time is better than giving out the details right away, and boring your reader. Most won't make it past the first few paragraphs if you don't GRAB THEM BY THE GUT from those first few precious paragraphs.

So, rather than any explanations in the beginning, create a scenario that the reader will wonder about:

[[Sixteen year old Maro, and his parnter in crime, Sasa, crouched in the darkness. Maro's fur blended in with the shadows around them, so dark was it. His square, wolf-like muzzle twitched as he tasted the scents around him. The city of Dógasuiléol sprawled around them, and its peculiar, loud silence lay on them like a blanket.

As they lay watching the building across from them, Maro felt a moment of near glee. The merchant that owned the building they were casing was said to be paranoid and possessive of his money. Well, Maro and Sasa were here to increase that paranoia for him by relieving him of some of that all-too-precious money. And if all went well on this mission... there would be more, and better ones.

Maro's hands gripped tighter on his Hoktois, their dimondel blades glittering slightly, despite the gloom. Sasa pulled her Hoktoi out, as well-- she having two like most Thieves, rather than the two that Maro preferred. Maro smiled. The blades curved up over his paws, while the pommels were made to perfect fit within it. He was about to display the terrible damage these deadly, diamond hard blades could do. He wasn't sure if he more hoped he'd get the chance-- or that he wouldn't.

Either way, he was ready.

A glance at Sara showed that she, too, was ready. Maro hoped he would do her proud on this run. She had mentored him long ago, after he'd been forced to fend for himself on the streets. In some ways, he was lucky that Dógasuiléol was the capital of Camea. He might not have been so lucky otherwise.]]

So, these paragraphs bring in some of the details you want described, but it rises from the story itself. The rundown of background isn't as helpful as you might think. People want to become immersed in the action to begin with. They want to feel something for your character, and they want to have a burning question.

Once you've bothered to draw them into the action, and the character... then give them details here and there. Later on, you can have Maro and Sara standing in front of someone else, or about to leap on one of the guards, whatever. At that point, you can say something about the typical colors for their race, "The guard was clearly Camaen, dark red and speckled with gray and brown. He could well have been any of those colors, and been immediately known as Camean, of course. Maro wasted no time wondering what he was doing in Dógasuiléol, instead creeping forward and...[whatever]."

None of the details disclosed in the originating paragraphs are more important than drawing your reader into the story. Readers don't mind learning more about the world over time. In fact, doing it that way will make them more likely to want to know about it.

It's very easy to run readers off. If a reader gets bored from the get-go, they're gone. No matter how great your stuff is (and it's GREAT!), they're gone of you can't hold them in the beginning.

So the rule is... action and question first... lessons later. And best to get the lessons splattered around, rather than immediately. While you DO want them to be in YOUR world, you have to first get them invested emotionally in the character. It's really that simple. No emotional investment = reader is gone. Everything else, EVERYTHING is a far distant second to that very important fact.

In fact, you could give little to no detail, and keep your reader. Over time, draw them into the WORLD. In the beginning, draw them into the STORY.

Remember how I told you that your magic system is AWESOME, and I love it? You didn't tell me a think about it in the beginning. And when you did tell about it, it was AFTER I was emotionally invested in your character. It was also as part of the story. I didn't NEED any knowledge about it ahead of time... to still love it and feel immersed by it.

I've lots more to say, but again, the story is great!! So don't take that as anything except advice on how to get a story off the ground and get the reader hooked. It's criticism, yes, but it's given with care, and about a FANTASTIC story.

Now, I might have started out with the feeling he got that "something bad is about to happen." Then I would have gone into the rest of the story. This "something bad is about to happen" feeling, and him ignoring it, is the PERFECT way to draw someone into the story. So I would personally have first gone into that first. Then they would have had the conversation. Then I would have used the night-time raid to do some of the descriptions about the weapons and stuff.

These are just ideas, of course. But the more drama you can dump into those early stages of the story, the more likely you are to hold your reader.

Here's a few paragraphs from the story I'm currently working on. Notice that I put in a sense of urgency. I put in some questions that the reader is going to want to have answered... but I don't directly ask the questions:

[[Whitecrow sat in the small cottage in the Barrens, chatting with Ferruk and Nerissa. It had been months since he’d seen them, and it was that time of the year for him. They were visiting the famous Groll and Shantille, who were out and about at the moment, but due back anytime. Ferruk and Nerissa had met them after the Nerissa Accords had become Horde law.

Despite his impatience, Whitecrow had agreed to wait for them to return before continuing on his journey. Nerissa politely claimed she’d heard a sound outside, and with a kiss on Ferruk’s cheek, left to go see what it was, giving Whitecrow and Ferruk the perfect opportunity to talk.

“Going to Ashenvale again, are you?” Ferruk asked as the door closed behind his wife.

“Every year,” Whitecrow told him tersely. “I’ve never missed.”

“It’s been years, W.C. If she were going to come, she would have.” His face was sympathetic, and Whitecrow turned away, unable to see the pity in his friend’s eyes.]]

What questions arise here? Well, depending on if you have read the previous story, or not...

Who are Groll and Shantille? Why are they famous?
What 'time of year' was it for him?
Who is 'she'?
Why is he impatient, what's the big hurry?
Why every year, especially when it's obvious that 'she' doesn't come? And where to?

Questions, questions, questions...

So what's especially GREAT about the whole "had a bad feeling, but ignored it" thing is that it creates QUESTIONS!

What's going to happen that's bad?
When?

And it has the added benefit of engaging you immediately with the character-- you have sympathy for him right away... "Oh no, Maro, don't do it!" Emotionally snagged-- GOTCHA! Now, with these questions in their mind, the reader's going to read AT LEAST until they find out WHY he had the feeling. That's the HOOK, and the HOOK may well be more important than all the rest of the story.

Which is why I spend so much time harping on it, lol.

Your fight scene is excellent! I really must commend you on your ability to visualize and then relay the fight in such an accurate, and interesting fashion. In my personal opinion, good fight scenes are few and far between-- but that could be because I'm not a fan of them in general. But one that engages me is definitely enough for me to really remark on.

The story over-all is very interesting, and well-written. Your grammar, et al. is good, and your ability to relay to the reader what's going on is excellent.

It's interesting, entertaining, and easy to visualize. I like to visualize as I read, and I think you did a great job of allowing me to fill in details without leaving me too much to fill in. If that makes sense.

So, really, aside from the beginning being slow, I have only praise for your story. I particularly like the temple part, which allows a bit more insight into the general lifestyle of the people.

Thank you for allowing me to read this!

first of all, this is an old old old story of mine, so i didn't expect it to match up to some of my newer stuff

secondly, while i get your point, some other ppl I showed this to said that the explanation of the characters helped them get into the story better, so i guess it's a matter of what you're looking for in the first few paragraphs of the story. keep in mind that this story wasn't written for a furry audience that would automatically recognize and be able to envision an anthro wolf

Well, I definitely don't argue with the details being important to get into the story!

I just think that you'll lose readers who aren't reading specifically because they've been invited to, because they are your friend, or for some specific reason.

The details are important, and I think that they SHOULD get into the story.

But let's pretend for a moment that you've written a book, and you're selling it. When someone walks up and picks the book up off of the shelf... if you don't create questions in their mind within the first paragraphs, you'll lose them.

So I'm looking at it from a sort of "general audience" type frame. There will be few people who will pick up a book, find the beginning slow, and keep reading. Most people find background stuff like this to be dry.

Yes, it's VERY helpful to understanding and immersing yourself into the story, sure... but FIRST, you must capture the person's interest. It's easy to do in such a case as where someone WANTS to read your writing, because it's YOUR writing.

it's the new reader that you must captivate, the reader with no external motivation besides "entertain me."

I wouldn't for a minute say that the details aren't important-- they are!

When you insert them, and how, though, can be just as important. Describing the hoktoi as you go, rather than (seemingly) just for the purpose of description, can keep the person emotionally invested. Emotional investment is the key to keeping a reader who hasn't yet gained a personal loyalty to you or your writing.

But of course, there are exceptions to every rule.

How you do things becomes your personal signature.

When someone criticizes, it's not gospel. Just that person's opinion. I'm no different. It's not gospel.

And I think I harp on it mostly because I've seen too many writers 'die' from it, so to speak. They can't get readers, even though their work really deserves a far larger readership base. That's always very disheartening. Then they give up, when the remedy might be far more simple than they think.

i know, and like I said, I understand your point. but, like I also said, this is an old old story.

and I've just looked at it, and it's not the story I was intending to submit...long story short, I wrote an original story, then misplaced it and wrote this one in its place (it was for a s.s. contest in school), then I later found my original, thing is, i titled both of them "Maro the Thief"
remember when I said that the Maro and Chiyo in this story is the same Maro and Chiyo in D-Patrol 2? Sharp-eyed observers will not that THERE IS NO CHIYO in this story

and i have to nitpick on something you said in one of your earlier comments, 'hoktois'. In Durric, knives (such as Hoktoi) are never pluralized, no matter how many you're talking about. If you're talking about 1 Hoktoi, then it's 'Hoktoi' if you're talking about 1 x 10^100 Hoktoi, it's still 'Hoktoi'.

By the time I got a chance to read the story, I had forgotten the mention of the pair. I just read it as Maro being the same Maro.

I apologize for my grammatical error. In my defense, Durric isn't my first language.

I think the story was really good. And as I say, ultimately, unless it's specific technical details, critiques are pretty much opinion. Take it all under advisement. That's all it is.

the grammatical error is 'kay, I know Durric isn't your first language. It's just that I can't help but nitpick and be a grammar freak, especially when it's a language I can quite honestly say that I'm an authority in ;)

and if you're wondering where D-Patrol 3 is, I've hit a bit of writers' block with it. I mean, the plot I imagined for DP3 is simple enough, but getting down on paper...eh...not so much