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Equestria has thrived for millennia, led dutifully by its diarchy. Only the most capable and qualified of ponies can be responsible for such a bountiful legacy.
...
Right?
Cover Art by Jbond92
Proofread by my fantastic friends Rose Quill, Nova Quill, Heartshine Quill, and Undome Quill
Chapter 1 - Celestia is a well adjusted adult with perfect memory
Celestia’s eyes shot open.
Oh fuck, I left her on the moon!
The grogginess of not enough sleep and the mother of all hangovers coalesced in her mind. Yet as this realization dawned on her it painfully seized centre stage.
Oh fuck, oh shit, Luna is going to fucking kill me. How the hell am I going to explain that I forgot her up there for…Gods…how long has it been?
Celestia rubbed her forehead.
Shit, how was she this hungover? What had she even been doing last night?
The snore of a royal guard pierced the darkened silence of her bedchamber.
Oh right, she’d been doing that…and probably also the other royal guard pressed against her side. Sirius and Vega if she wasn’t mistaken. A nice husband and wife who were very reliable chamber guards.
Ok, first off, let’s figure out how long you’ve left her up there for?
She winced, feeling the dryness of her mouth and a lingering sickness tickling the back of her throat.
Actually, scratch that. First things first, water. You need water.
She reached over and grabbed a glass from her bedside table, taking a generous sip.
Anddddd that was left over whiskey…with a ground-up blunt in it.
Celestia smacked her lips.
Another graceful morning for the most perfect and graceful pony in all of Equestria.
She jingled the glass back and forth, and downed the rest in one potent pull.
Ok, now we need some light. You aren’t figuring anything out in the dark.
Her horn glowed and suddenly the room was illuminated as the sun filled the sky in an instant.
Hopefully, it wasn’t too early.
She looked at the clock on her wall.
Oh nah, she was fine. It was like one in the afternoon, the sun was normally supposed to be up by now anyways.
One of her bedmates stirred, letting out a hungover groan. “What time is it?”
“One in the afternoon, sweetie,” Celestia said before forcing a shaky grin. “But hey, just a quick question.”
“What is it, Celly?”
“What year is it?”
Her bedmate opened her eyes, looking confused as all hell. “Uh 986, why?”
Godsdamnit, 986 years since what? Stupid mortals and their stupid way of telling time by centring it around “major events.” How were the hardworking immortals of the world supposed to keep up with the fall of every government or birth of every messiah? It was impossible!
“Uh, no reason, just a little game. Now it’s been 986 years since what?”
Her bedmate blinked. “What?”
“Just a simple question, hun.”
“Since Luna was corrupted by Nightmare Moon and you were forced to banish her to save Equestria?”
Celestia inhaled sharply.
Oh dear gods, you left her up there for nearly a 1000 years. Oh fuck, oh shit, oh fuck shit, she is going to be fucking furious. Like a hundred years is a joke, har har har. Maybe even two hundred. But a thousand? Oh, gods, this was bad.
She chuckled nervously. “Thank you very much, Vega.”
“You’re welcome. Is there anything else I can do for you?”
“Would you mind collecting your husband and giving me a little privacy. I need to get my affairs in order.”
Vega nodded and poked Sirius. “Wake up babe, it’s time for our walk of shame.”
He grumbled something under his breath but was eventually roused after enough prodding. At which point the two of them shuffled towards the door, collecting their armour as they left.
They cast the princess a final cheerful smile, which she returned, before slipping out, most likely to ribbing of their comrades.
Celestia couldn’t lament on them however, she had bigger fish to fry.
Alright, so you’ll just bring her back and smooth things over? I mean she can’t be that mad, right? It was just a fun little game, a harmless prank. R-right?
Celestia sighed.
I am so fucking dead.
Look, Celly, just bring her back. If she murders you…
She suddenly stopped. Wait…what had Vega said? Something about Nightmare Moon? Who was…
OH FUCK!
Society had noticed Luna missing and those stupid mortals have invented a whole folklore about why it happened. How the hell was she going to explain to them why Luna was suddenly back?
Great, just fucking great. Now, she not only needed to bring Luna back, and smooth things over, but she also had to create a whole mythos and bullshit to stop these stupid mortals from losing their little mortal minds at seeing her again.
She sighed loudly.
Ok, maybe you can centre it around her going rogue and needing a millennium to purify her spirit?
She shook her head.
Nah, not theatrical enough. Maybe, Luna needed to be locked away to buy me enough time to train an apprentice who can deal with her?
That…no that’s fucking stupid. Why couldn’t I just deal with her myself?
How about, I conveniently forgot about the legend, because come on I totally did just forget about her for 900 years, and my apprentice discovers it and has to deal with her?
No, no way, no one’s going to believe that you’re that dumb.
How about…ok, this is the winner. How about, I totally knew about it but pretended to forget as a means of testing my apprentice. This could be my first step into molding her into a princess or something down the road.
Celestia shook her head.
Fuck it, that’s the best I’m willing to come up with right now.
She scanned her suite, looking amongst her rubbish for a quill to write Luna with.
First, beg for forgiveness. Second, get her onboard with the plan. Third, find an apprentice and train them from foalhood.
…
Wait that was going to take years.
Celestia threw back her head and groaned. “Fuckkkkk.”
986 Years Earlier
Luna downed her 3rd stein of ale and let out a hearty belch. “Hey, sister?”
“What…what is it?” Celestia slurred, clearly doing a poor job of keeping pace.
“I…” Luna waved her hoof to the sky. “I bet you can’t teleport me to the moon.”
Celestia laughed. “Tis foal’s play, dear sister.”
“How much shall we wager?”
“How about sole jurisdiction over the Duchy of Luxembark?”
“It has nothing to offer but illiterate Diamond Dogs and convenient access to Prance.”
Celestia shrugged. “I think it would make a fine place to store the royal cake reserves.”
“Don’t you already store them here?”
Celestia slapped her bloated belly. “Yes, but they might seem far less tempting if several hundred kilometres away.”
“An excellent suggestion.”
“So, tis a deal?”
Luna nodded. “A deal.”
Celestia hoofed over her stein. “Then hold my beer.”
Luna grabbed it, clutching it tightly to her chest.
With her beverage securely in Luna’s hooves, Celestia closed her eyes and focused all her attention into her magic. Her connection to harmony was drawn upon and focused into a pinpoint of raw magical vigour. She scanned the surface of the moon, selecting a nice little crater in the southern hemisphere, before envisioning Luna there, and releasing her spell.
When Celestia opened her eyes, Luna was absent. Though, so was her…
“Shit! She was holding my beer!”
Celestia groaned and shook her head. She just needed to remember to bring it back in the morning with Luna.
She looked around, searching for a quill.
Should she leave herself a reminder?
…
Phh, nah.
There was no way she’d forget something so important.
Chapter 2 - Celestia and Luna are well adjusted adults who have very adult arguments
It was about two years after Luna’s return when Celestia, her sister, and Twilight sat around a table, drinking hot beverages and eating danishes, at a prim or proper tea party.
At least that’s what it seemed to Twilight. To Celestia and Luna, both knew that neither prim nor proper really belonged in their general vicinity. For instance, Luna was fully aware of the contents of Celestia’s cup, knowing fully how much of it was alcoholic. Though to Celestia’s credit…
“I’m so glad that you could join us, Princess Luna, I hope I didn’t wake you up too early,” Twilight said, obviously noticing how tired her dear sister looked.
…to Celestia’s credit, she knew the name of Night Guard who left her sister in such a haggard state. His name was Ganymede. He was such a nice boy. Very virile.
“Tis nothing,” Luna said. “I would be up regardless of your visit, so I might as well greet a friend.”
“So, is there anything you came here wishing to discuss?” Celestia asked.
Twilight shook her head. “Nothing serious, just came to chat really. Though, seeing you two has made me remember something.”
“What is it?”
“As someone who grew up with a sibling, I’m impressed at how well you and Luna seem to get along. I’ve never seen you two argue or fight or even bicker since Luna’s return.”
Celestia waved her hoof. “It’s not that we don’t have fights, it’s just that we deal with them in a respectful and mature manner.”
“Bullshit,” Luna mumbled behind her cup.
Celestia furrowed her brow. “Language, dear sister.”
Luna cleared her throat and began to recite something from memory. “On today, March 12th, year 538 after the defeat of Discord, I, Princess Celestia, decree that the body formerly known as the Moon shall now be referred to as, the Fart.”
Celestia threw up her hooves. “I rescinded that law! When are you going to let it go!”
Luna snarled. “You didn’t rescind it until 722! GENERATIONS LIVED AND DIED CALLING IT THE FART!”
Chapter 3 - Celestia is a well adjusted adult who doesn't hold grudges
Celestia stared through the skylight of her guest bedroom at the Crystal Empire, looking out upon the full moon overhead.
Had it really been thirty moons since Sunset left?
What had ever become of her? Had she taken the time to grow, evolve as an individual, become a well-adjusted adult?
Or did she still need to learn a valuable lesson? The lesson of “how-to fucking act right.”
Somewhere in the distance, a guard shouted, a vase broke, and Twilight’s frantic voice called out.
Celestia sighed.
Apparently, she had not learned that pretty simple fucking lesson.
“Stupid moody teenager,” Celestia muttered under her breath. “I need a drink.”
Chapter 4 - Celestia is a well adjusted adult who has therapy
Heartshine smiled brightly. “I’m so glad you could make it, Princess Celestia.”
Celestia peered at her psychiatrist from the couch in her office.
The mare was this tiny little bundle of warm feelings and crushing sexual repression crammed into what had to be the cutest pegasus she’d ever seen, with a crisp green coat and a flowing purple and red mane styled in a tight bob.
“So,” Heartshine began. “How have your exercises been going?”
“Pretty good,” Celestia lied.
Heartshine frowned. “And you’ve been limiting your drinking?”
Celestia took a sip of her bourbon tea, which was really more bourbon than tea.
…
Ok, it was actually all bourbon and no tea. Just a nice warm cup of booze to start the day off right.
Celestia offered a tight smile, “Of course, I have.”
“You know…I can tell when you’re lying, right?”
Oh right, her shrink was a fucking Heartmender. Fuckers could peer into your soul or something. Honestly, that felt very invasive but… if this was the best service the palace could provide then she’d concede to such intrusions.
Heartshine sighed. “Are you even taking these sessions seriously?”
“Of course, my dearest little pony.”
“I can still tell when you’re lying,” Heartshine muttered before snapping her notepad shut. “Ok, I’m going to be honest with you: Your sister is very concerned.”
“About what?”
Heartshine bit her lip. “Your rampant sex life, abusive drinking habits, and seeming disregard for mortal life.”
She rattled each off as if they were flaws.
Celestia snorted. “Oh, isn’t that rich, the pot calling the kettle black.”
“So, you admit to having these issues?”
“I’d hardly call them issues. My liver is immune to damage, I can’t contract STIs, and you mortals can be replaced. Just you know…you do the thing where you replicate.”
Heartshine cocked a brow. “Give birth?”
“Exactly!”
“Look,” Heartshine fixed Celestia with the warmest look imaginable, placing a hoof upon hers. “Just because you’re immune to the adverse physical health effects of your actions doesn’t mean they don’t have a very real mental toll.”
“My dear, I have a very resilient mind. You have to when you’re multi-omniscient.”
“Multi-omniscient?”
“Yes, you do know what omniscience is, correct?”
“Yeah, it’s where you can see and know everything.”
“Very good.” Celestia tilted her cup at Heartshine. “By the way, that was a grade A performance with that royal guard last night. I’m really glad you finally found someone.”
Heartshine burned bright red. “What? How?!”
“Omniscient, dear. It’s ok, if it makes you feel better, I can also talk ad nauseum about what your roommate was doing with the place to himself.”
“P-please don’t.”
“Very well.” Celestia motioned with her hoof. “Anyways multi-omniscience simply means that I can see into dozens of alternative universes and enjoy the same privileges there. For example, in another universe, I’m currently having this exact same conversation with a little brown pegasus filly. She’s as cute as a button but gods she has issues.” She shook her head. “So very many issues.”
“So, you’re telling me that not only do you have the ability to peep on everypony, but you can peep on them across multiple dimensions?”
“Yes, exactly. Like there’s one universe where I’m a trophy in an Orcish Lord’s Satanic throne room.” Celestia sipped her ‘tea.’ “I don’t think that’s an especially positive timeline.” She shuddered. “You mortals get turned into batteries, it’s pretty rough.”
Heartshine paled. “What?”
“Yeah, it’s like in the Maretrix but…worse. These orcs don’t even give you a cool virtual reality to fuck around in. Just torture day in, and day out, and day in, and day out.” She shook her head. “I really ought to check on the locks to Tartarus someday soon.”
“Are all your timelines this grim?”
“Oh no no no, there are quite a few positive ones. However, they’re like little twinkling bastions of hope in a comsos of colossally fucked up possibilities. Let me tell you about the one universe where Equestria and the Zebras go to war.”
“Why are we at war?”
“Unclear but you know it’s super serious because we accidentally explode the planet, killing almost all life on it.”
“How?”
“Uh, something-something megaspells. I don’t really know, it’s Fluttershy’s fault.”
“But…we’re allied to the zebras.”
“Look stuff happened, something about clash of ideologies and resource scarcity.”
“We’re both monarchies and what resource is scarce?”
“Look, are you going to nitpick this or can we move on? All you need to know is it’s a very fucked up and terribly grim place. Like, the idiots over there decided to give Trixie a level of responsibility beyond managing a fast food restaurant, so you know it’s fucked.”
“Holy shit.”
“Tell me about it. Then we have the universe where Twilight, Chrysalis, and myself kinda abused time travel magic and boy let me tell you how that spiralled out of control. Had to fight Twilight because she was getting uppity about the Elements of Harmony being corrupted or something. I hate having to kill my students,” Celestia sighed. “They take like a decade to replace.”
“W-what?”
“And don’t even get me started on the hundreds of universes where some two-bit human decides they’re overly important and goes on some quest to save our kingdom.”
“What’s…a human?”
Celestia sighed, massaging the bridge of her muzzle. “Ok so like, imagine something that’s a little taller than me, stands on two legs, and has the most boring penis possible.”
“Uh…pardon?” Heartshine asked, her cheeks brightening
“For real, it’s literally just…a fleshy tube with…a cap. Not a very intelligent design for a species who claims to be the product of it. Now, do you know what has an awesome looking dong? Gryphons. Gryphons have fantastic dongs. Knew a gryphoness who…” Celestia smirked. “Tell me, have you seen a gryphon’s genitals before?”
Heartshine expression was that of a mare who literally could not believe the situation she was in. Like, was this really happening? Was she really talking about the quality of another species’ junk with her sovereign, the demi-goddess herself?
“N-no.”
“Well if you’re interested, check your roommate’s collection. Bottom drawer of his cupboard, inside a jewelry box. You’ll find a pretty faithful replica in there.”
Heartshine very loudly cleared her throat. “Maybe we can return to the topic of your er… abilities?”
Celestia nodded. “Anyways, the point I’m trying to make is this: I can see pretty much every single way this whole experiment known as Equestria can go absolutely tits up. So, forgive me if I want to lay back, crack open a cold one, and get rutted by a stallion a ten-thousandth my age. Are you really going to hold that against me?”
Heartshine blinked. “So how many of these universes turn out like this?”
“Far too many.” Celestia smiled sorrowfully. “Do you have any other questions?”
Heartshine shuddered and motioned towards Celestia’s cup. “You uh…got anymore bourbon?”
Celestia snorted and levitated over her flask. “Knock yourself out kid, who knows which drink will be your last.”
Chapter 5 - Luna is a well adjusted adult who knows a thing or two about pegging
Triton, Luna’s most loyal and second most virile chamber guard, gasped softly, clenching as Luna’s peg slipped into its hole. The last half an hour had been a cunning game of little plays and bold strategies, yet Triton had fallen to Luna’s superiority. This is why he now watched, a complex series of emotions swirling in his mind, as Luna did her deed, pressing forcefully into her predestined slot.
“P-please,” Triton mewled. “Have mercy.”
Luna chuckled. “Do you really think I will be so kind? No, I demand that you concede.”
Triton groaned. “Never.”
Luna smirked. “Then this shall continue.”
A predatory glint twinkled in her eye as she picked up her deck of cards and shuffled them before dealing six to herself and Triton.
Triton looked at his hand, dismay washing across him. “How are you so good at cribbage?”
Luna giggled mercilessly, “I’ve been a ruthless grandmother for many a century.”
Discord/Ko-Fi/Patreon
...
Right?
Cover Art by Jbond92
Proofread by my fantastic friends Rose Quill, Nova Quill, Heartshine Quill, and Undome Quill
Chapter 1 - Celestia is a well adjusted adult with perfect memory
Celestia’s eyes shot open.
Oh fuck, I left her on the moon!
The grogginess of not enough sleep and the mother of all hangovers coalesced in her mind. Yet as this realization dawned on her it painfully seized centre stage.
Oh fuck, oh shit, Luna is going to fucking kill me. How the hell am I going to explain that I forgot her up there for…Gods…how long has it been?
Celestia rubbed her forehead.
Shit, how was she this hungover? What had she even been doing last night?
The snore of a royal guard pierced the darkened silence of her bedchamber.
Oh right, she’d been doing that…and probably also the other royal guard pressed against her side. Sirius and Vega if she wasn’t mistaken. A nice husband and wife who were very reliable chamber guards.
Ok, first off, let’s figure out how long you’ve left her up there for?
She winced, feeling the dryness of her mouth and a lingering sickness tickling the back of her throat.
Actually, scratch that. First things first, water. You need water.
She reached over and grabbed a glass from her bedside table, taking a generous sip.
Anddddd that was left over whiskey…with a ground-up blunt in it.
Celestia smacked her lips.
Another graceful morning for the most perfect and graceful pony in all of Equestria.
She jingled the glass back and forth, and downed the rest in one potent pull.
Ok, now we need some light. You aren’t figuring anything out in the dark.
Her horn glowed and suddenly the room was illuminated as the sun filled the sky in an instant.
Hopefully, it wasn’t too early.
She looked at the clock on her wall.
Oh nah, she was fine. It was like one in the afternoon, the sun was normally supposed to be up by now anyways.
One of her bedmates stirred, letting out a hungover groan. “What time is it?”
“One in the afternoon, sweetie,” Celestia said before forcing a shaky grin. “But hey, just a quick question.”
“What is it, Celly?”
“What year is it?”
Her bedmate opened her eyes, looking confused as all hell. “Uh 986, why?”
Godsdamnit, 986 years since what? Stupid mortals and their stupid way of telling time by centring it around “major events.” How were the hardworking immortals of the world supposed to keep up with the fall of every government or birth of every messiah? It was impossible!
“Uh, no reason, just a little game. Now it’s been 986 years since what?”
Her bedmate blinked. “What?”
“Just a simple question, hun.”
“Since Luna was corrupted by Nightmare Moon and you were forced to banish her to save Equestria?”
Celestia inhaled sharply.
Oh dear gods, you left her up there for nearly a 1000 years. Oh fuck, oh shit, oh fuck shit, she is going to be fucking furious. Like a hundred years is a joke, har har har. Maybe even two hundred. But a thousand? Oh, gods, this was bad.
She chuckled nervously. “Thank you very much, Vega.”
“You’re welcome. Is there anything else I can do for you?”
“Would you mind collecting your husband and giving me a little privacy. I need to get my affairs in order.”
Vega nodded and poked Sirius. “Wake up babe, it’s time for our walk of shame.”
He grumbled something under his breath but was eventually roused after enough prodding. At which point the two of them shuffled towards the door, collecting their armour as they left.
They cast the princess a final cheerful smile, which she returned, before slipping out, most likely to ribbing of their comrades.
Celestia couldn’t lament on them however, she had bigger fish to fry.
Alright, so you’ll just bring her back and smooth things over? I mean she can’t be that mad, right? It was just a fun little game, a harmless prank. R-right?
Celestia sighed.
I am so fucking dead.
Look, Celly, just bring her back. If she murders you…
She suddenly stopped. Wait…what had Vega said? Something about Nightmare Moon? Who was…
OH FUCK!
Society had noticed Luna missing and those stupid mortals have invented a whole folklore about why it happened. How the hell was she going to explain to them why Luna was suddenly back?
Great, just fucking great. Now, she not only needed to bring Luna back, and smooth things over, but she also had to create a whole mythos and bullshit to stop these stupid mortals from losing their little mortal minds at seeing her again.
She sighed loudly.
Ok, maybe you can centre it around her going rogue and needing a millennium to purify her spirit?
She shook her head.
Nah, not theatrical enough. Maybe, Luna needed to be locked away to buy me enough time to train an apprentice who can deal with her?
That…no that’s fucking stupid. Why couldn’t I just deal with her myself?
How about, I conveniently forgot about the legend, because come on I totally did just forget about her for 900 years, and my apprentice discovers it and has to deal with her?
No, no way, no one’s going to believe that you’re that dumb.
How about…ok, this is the winner. How about, I totally knew about it but pretended to forget as a means of testing my apprentice. This could be my first step into molding her into a princess or something down the road.
Celestia shook her head.
Fuck it, that’s the best I’m willing to come up with right now.
She scanned her suite, looking amongst her rubbish for a quill to write Luna with.
First, beg for forgiveness. Second, get her onboard with the plan. Third, find an apprentice and train them from foalhood.
…
Wait that was going to take years.
Celestia threw back her head and groaned. “Fuckkkkk.”
986 Years Earlier
Luna downed her 3rd stein of ale and let out a hearty belch. “Hey, sister?”
“What…what is it?” Celestia slurred, clearly doing a poor job of keeping pace.
“I…” Luna waved her hoof to the sky. “I bet you can’t teleport me to the moon.”
Celestia laughed. “Tis foal’s play, dear sister.”
“How much shall we wager?”
“How about sole jurisdiction over the Duchy of Luxembark?”
“It has nothing to offer but illiterate Diamond Dogs and convenient access to Prance.”
Celestia shrugged. “I think it would make a fine place to store the royal cake reserves.”
“Don’t you already store them here?”
Celestia slapped her bloated belly. “Yes, but they might seem far less tempting if several hundred kilometres away.”
“An excellent suggestion.”
“So, tis a deal?”
Luna nodded. “A deal.”
Celestia hoofed over her stein. “Then hold my beer.”
Luna grabbed it, clutching it tightly to her chest.
With her beverage securely in Luna’s hooves, Celestia closed her eyes and focused all her attention into her magic. Her connection to harmony was drawn upon and focused into a pinpoint of raw magical vigour. She scanned the surface of the moon, selecting a nice little crater in the southern hemisphere, before envisioning Luna there, and releasing her spell.
When Celestia opened her eyes, Luna was absent. Though, so was her…
“Shit! She was holding my beer!”
Celestia groaned and shook her head. She just needed to remember to bring it back in the morning with Luna.
She looked around, searching for a quill.
Should she leave herself a reminder?
…
Phh, nah.
There was no way she’d forget something so important.
Chapter 2 - Celestia and Luna are well adjusted adults who have very adult arguments
It was about two years after Luna’s return when Celestia, her sister, and Twilight sat around a table, drinking hot beverages and eating danishes, at a prim or proper tea party.
At least that’s what it seemed to Twilight. To Celestia and Luna, both knew that neither prim nor proper really belonged in their general vicinity. For instance, Luna was fully aware of the contents of Celestia’s cup, knowing fully how much of it was alcoholic. Though to Celestia’s credit…
“I’m so glad that you could join us, Princess Luna, I hope I didn’t wake you up too early,” Twilight said, obviously noticing how tired her dear sister looked.
…to Celestia’s credit, she knew the name of Night Guard who left her sister in such a haggard state. His name was Ganymede. He was such a nice boy. Very virile.
“Tis nothing,” Luna said. “I would be up regardless of your visit, so I might as well greet a friend.”
“So, is there anything you came here wishing to discuss?” Celestia asked.
Twilight shook her head. “Nothing serious, just came to chat really. Though, seeing you two has made me remember something.”
“What is it?”
“As someone who grew up with a sibling, I’m impressed at how well you and Luna seem to get along. I’ve never seen you two argue or fight or even bicker since Luna’s return.”
Celestia waved her hoof. “It’s not that we don’t have fights, it’s just that we deal with them in a respectful and mature manner.”
“Bullshit,” Luna mumbled behind her cup.
Celestia furrowed her brow. “Language, dear sister.”
Luna cleared her throat and began to recite something from memory. “On today, March 12th, year 538 after the defeat of Discord, I, Princess Celestia, decree that the body formerly known as the Moon shall now be referred to as, the Fart.”
Celestia threw up her hooves. “I rescinded that law! When are you going to let it go!”
Luna snarled. “You didn’t rescind it until 722! GENERATIONS LIVED AND DIED CALLING IT THE FART!”
Chapter 3 - Celestia is a well adjusted adult who doesn't hold grudges
Celestia stared through the skylight of her guest bedroom at the Crystal Empire, looking out upon the full moon overhead.
Had it really been thirty moons since Sunset left?
What had ever become of her? Had she taken the time to grow, evolve as an individual, become a well-adjusted adult?
Or did she still need to learn a valuable lesson? The lesson of “how-to fucking act right.”
Somewhere in the distance, a guard shouted, a vase broke, and Twilight’s frantic voice called out.
Celestia sighed.
Apparently, she had not learned that pretty simple fucking lesson.
“Stupid moody teenager,” Celestia muttered under her breath. “I need a drink.”
Chapter 4 - Celestia is a well adjusted adult who has therapy
Heartshine smiled brightly. “I’m so glad you could make it, Princess Celestia.”
Celestia peered at her psychiatrist from the couch in her office.
The mare was this tiny little bundle of warm feelings and crushing sexual repression crammed into what had to be the cutest pegasus she’d ever seen, with a crisp green coat and a flowing purple and red mane styled in a tight bob.
“So,” Heartshine began. “How have your exercises been going?”
“Pretty good,” Celestia lied.
Heartshine frowned. “And you’ve been limiting your drinking?”
Celestia took a sip of her bourbon tea, which was really more bourbon than tea.
…
Ok, it was actually all bourbon and no tea. Just a nice warm cup of booze to start the day off right.
Celestia offered a tight smile, “Of course, I have.”
“You know…I can tell when you’re lying, right?”
Oh right, her shrink was a fucking Heartmender. Fuckers could peer into your soul or something. Honestly, that felt very invasive but… if this was the best service the palace could provide then she’d concede to such intrusions.
Heartshine sighed. “Are you even taking these sessions seriously?”
“Of course, my dearest little pony.”
“I can still tell when you’re lying,” Heartshine muttered before snapping her notepad shut. “Ok, I’m going to be honest with you: Your sister is very concerned.”
“About what?”
Heartshine bit her lip. “Your rampant sex life, abusive drinking habits, and seeming disregard for mortal life.”
She rattled each off as if they were flaws.
Celestia snorted. “Oh, isn’t that rich, the pot calling the kettle black.”
“So, you admit to having these issues?”
“I’d hardly call them issues. My liver is immune to damage, I can’t contract STIs, and you mortals can be replaced. Just you know…you do the thing where you replicate.”
Heartshine cocked a brow. “Give birth?”
“Exactly!”
“Look,” Heartshine fixed Celestia with the warmest look imaginable, placing a hoof upon hers. “Just because you’re immune to the adverse physical health effects of your actions doesn’t mean they don’t have a very real mental toll.”
“My dear, I have a very resilient mind. You have to when you’re multi-omniscient.”
“Multi-omniscient?”
“Yes, you do know what omniscience is, correct?”
“Yeah, it’s where you can see and know everything.”
“Very good.” Celestia tilted her cup at Heartshine. “By the way, that was a grade A performance with that royal guard last night. I’m really glad you finally found someone.”
Heartshine burned bright red. “What? How?!”
“Omniscient, dear. It’s ok, if it makes you feel better, I can also talk ad nauseum about what your roommate was doing with the place to himself.”
“P-please don’t.”
“Very well.” Celestia motioned with her hoof. “Anyways multi-omniscience simply means that I can see into dozens of alternative universes and enjoy the same privileges there. For example, in another universe, I’m currently having this exact same conversation with a little brown pegasus filly. She’s as cute as a button but gods she has issues.” She shook her head. “So very many issues.”
“So, you’re telling me that not only do you have the ability to peep on everypony, but you can peep on them across multiple dimensions?”
“Yes, exactly. Like there’s one universe where I’m a trophy in an Orcish Lord’s Satanic throne room.” Celestia sipped her ‘tea.’ “I don’t think that’s an especially positive timeline.” She shuddered. “You mortals get turned into batteries, it’s pretty rough.”
Heartshine paled. “What?”
“Yeah, it’s like in the Maretrix but…worse. These orcs don’t even give you a cool virtual reality to fuck around in. Just torture day in, and day out, and day in, and day out.” She shook her head. “I really ought to check on the locks to Tartarus someday soon.”
“Are all your timelines this grim?”
“Oh no no no, there are quite a few positive ones. However, they’re like little twinkling bastions of hope in a comsos of colossally fucked up possibilities. Let me tell you about the one universe where Equestria and the Zebras go to war.”
“Why are we at war?”
“Unclear but you know it’s super serious because we accidentally explode the planet, killing almost all life on it.”
“How?”
“Uh, something-something megaspells. I don’t really know, it’s Fluttershy’s fault.”
“But…we’re allied to the zebras.”
“Look stuff happened, something about clash of ideologies and resource scarcity.”
“We’re both monarchies and what resource is scarce?”
“Look, are you going to nitpick this or can we move on? All you need to know is it’s a very fucked up and terribly grim place. Like, the idiots over there decided to give Trixie a level of responsibility beyond managing a fast food restaurant, so you know it’s fucked.”
“Holy shit.”
“Tell me about it. Then we have the universe where Twilight, Chrysalis, and myself kinda abused time travel magic and boy let me tell you how that spiralled out of control. Had to fight Twilight because she was getting uppity about the Elements of Harmony being corrupted or something. I hate having to kill my students,” Celestia sighed. “They take like a decade to replace.”
“W-what?”
“And don’t even get me started on the hundreds of universes where some two-bit human decides they’re overly important and goes on some quest to save our kingdom.”
“What’s…a human?”
Celestia sighed, massaging the bridge of her muzzle. “Ok so like, imagine something that’s a little taller than me, stands on two legs, and has the most boring penis possible.”
“Uh…pardon?” Heartshine asked, her cheeks brightening
“For real, it’s literally just…a fleshy tube with…a cap. Not a very intelligent design for a species who claims to be the product of it. Now, do you know what has an awesome looking dong? Gryphons. Gryphons have fantastic dongs. Knew a gryphoness who…” Celestia smirked. “Tell me, have you seen a gryphon’s genitals before?”
Heartshine expression was that of a mare who literally could not believe the situation she was in. Like, was this really happening? Was she really talking about the quality of another species’ junk with her sovereign, the demi-goddess herself?
“N-no.”
“Well if you’re interested, check your roommate’s collection. Bottom drawer of his cupboard, inside a jewelry box. You’ll find a pretty faithful replica in there.”
Heartshine very loudly cleared her throat. “Maybe we can return to the topic of your er… abilities?”
Celestia nodded. “Anyways, the point I’m trying to make is this: I can see pretty much every single way this whole experiment known as Equestria can go absolutely tits up. So, forgive me if I want to lay back, crack open a cold one, and get rutted by a stallion a ten-thousandth my age. Are you really going to hold that against me?”
Heartshine blinked. “So how many of these universes turn out like this?”
“Far too many.” Celestia smiled sorrowfully. “Do you have any other questions?”
Heartshine shuddered and motioned towards Celestia’s cup. “You uh…got anymore bourbon?”
Celestia snorted and levitated over her flask. “Knock yourself out kid, who knows which drink will be your last.”
Chapter 5 - Luna is a well adjusted adult who knows a thing or two about pegging
Triton, Luna’s most loyal and second most virile chamber guard, gasped softly, clenching as Luna’s peg slipped into its hole. The last half an hour had been a cunning game of little plays and bold strategies, yet Triton had fallen to Luna’s superiority. This is why he now watched, a complex series of emotions swirling in his mind, as Luna did her deed, pressing forcefully into her predestined slot.
“P-please,” Triton mewled. “Have mercy.”
Luna chuckled. “Do you really think I will be so kind? No, I demand that you concede.”
Triton groaned. “Never.”
Luna smirked. “Then this shall continue.”
A predatory glint twinkled in her eye as she picked up her deck of cards and shuffled them before dealing six to herself and Triton.
Triton looked at his hand, dismay washing across him. “How are you so good at cribbage?”
Luna giggled mercilessly, “I’ve been a ruthless grandmother for many a century.”
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Category Story / My Little Pony / Brony
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