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As promised in my song here is the first segment of Memoria. The song can be viewed in my submissions. Memoria is a place where the past is forever captured by time; a place of memories, both calming and painful. Memories are not the only thing that resides here, but past demons that each will have to overcome. The journy will not be an easy one, but in order to face Ghaust they must prevail, but will they be able to? Only time will tell...
Please ignore the squares as it is unableto convert ... & " & '
Please ignore the squares as it is unableto convert ... & " & '
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 77px
File Size 12.3 kB
The concept behind this is good, but I feel like the execution could be much better. I'll point out some areas that I felt you could improve most on, but keep in mind that these are all just my opinions. :)
In stories like these, the first paragraph is incredibly important, so I'm going to break it down sentence-by-sentence.
"The light faded revealing a ruined bridge leading to a spiraling castle that seemed to be being built by the clouds above."
First of all, you should have a comma after "faded". :P I noticed your general punctuation could use some work, but right here it was most important, in my opinion. Also, you have two "ing" adjectives in the same sentence, which makes it read strangely. Oh, and the "be being" is weird. Here's an example of how I would personally fix this:
"The light faded, revealing a ruined bridge leading to a castle which seemed to be built by the clouds as it spiraled downward."
It's still a bit of a run-on sentence, but I think it flows better that way.
"Below it lay a misty village, empty and lifeless, only the mist moved in the non-existent breeze."
I'd recommend splitting it into two sentences as well as stating what "it" is referring to:
"Below the bridge lay a misty village, empty and lifeless. Only the mist moved in the non-existent breeze."
"It was as Axum had said; the once great city Ashtoreth was forever frozen here, long before it was consumed by darkness."
I believe that semicolon should actually be a dash, but I'm not sure, to be honest. Anyway, there's a little contradiction here from the way I'm reading it. The city was "forever frozen" and then you have "long before" proceeding it. I'm not really sure what direction you wanted to take with this sentence, but I'll give you a clearer version:
"It was as Axum had said - the once great city of Ashtoreth was forever frozen here, even before it was consumed by darkness."
That "even before" is a little more clear, in my opinion.
"Silently gleaming in the light, it was a painful reminder of what Terra once was."
You're using the "it" pronoun a bit too often. :P
"Silently gleaming in the light, the city was a painful reminder of what Terra once was."
"Yagami could see the pain reflected in Tiel's eyes, after all this was once his home, his sanctuary."
This should be separated into two sentences:
"Yagami could see the pain reflected in Tiel's eyes. After all, this was once his home, his sanctuary."
"He wished he could comfort Tiel, but no words came to mind, so instead he turned his gaze upon the castle."
That's good. :)
"It was in the center of the city, but no doors or paths lead from the city to the castle, the bridge which they stood on was the only way to get inside."
Again, I don't like the "it". ;P The part about the doors or paths sounds kind of awkward because of the repetition of the word "city". Also, the comma between "the castle, the bridge" would be better as a semicolon.
"The castle was in the center of the city with no doors or paths connecting the two; the bridge which they stood on was the only way to get inside."
"The bridge itself was made of brick, chipped in some places, and was suspended by naught but air."
A bridge made of brick? O_o That's a poor design choice, but otherwise this sentence is alright. (I like your use of the word "naught". ;3)
"Yagami looked behind him and saw the bridge ended abruptly while the city stretched on to the horizon, fading into the mist."
No problems here.
"It was so beautiful, yet so cold, so lonely, a picture without life frozen in time."
I don't like how you tried to make that into a list. Otherwise good imagery, but I feel this would flow better:
"It was so beautiful, yet so cold and lonely, a picture without life, frozen in time."
"Looking back at the castle he noticed parts of it looked like the castle Ghaust used to reside in before he became corrupted by darkness."
Repetition of the word "castle" bothered me. Also you need a comma after "Looking back at the castle":
"Looking back at the castle, he noticed parts of it looked like the one Ghaust used to reside in...before he became corrupted by darkness."
I used "the one" to replace "the castle" and also added a ... between the "reside in" and "before" since it seemed like a good place to have a pause. ^_^
"The castle gleamed in the light, smooth, it resembled marble."
The way you have this doesn't make much sense. That "smooth" you added in there doesn't fit, so you need to do something else with it. :P
"The castle gleamed in the light. It was smooth, resembling marble."
Also splitting it into two sentences emphasizes both pieces better, in my opinion.
"Yagami's eyes darted towards Tiel as he took a step towards the edge of the bridge."
Good. ;)
"Somehow Yagami knew that if he didn't stop him, he would wander the city forever, trapped in time itself."
"If he didn't stop him" is bugging me. You shouldn't be afraid to use nouns where it'll make a sentence more clear.
"Somehow Yagami knew that if he didn't stop Tiel, he would wander the city forever, trapping in time itself."
So the entire revised first paragraph I've formed would be...
The light faded, revealing a ruined bridge leading to a castle which seemed to be built by the clouds as it spiraled downward. Below the bridge lay a misty village, empty and lifeless. Only the mist moved in the non-existent breeze. It was as Axum had said - the once great city of Ashtoreth was forever frozen here, even before it was consumed by darkness. Silently gleaming in the light, the city was a painful reminder of what Terra once was.
Yagami could see the pain reflected in Tiel's eyes. After all, this was once his home, his sanctuary. He wished he could comfort Tiel, but no words came to mind, so instead he turned his gaze upon the castle.
The castle was in the center of the city with no doors or paths connecting the two; the bridge which they stood on was the only way to get inside. The bridge itself was made of brick, chipped in some places, and was suspended by naught but air. Yagami looked behind him and saw the bridge ended abruptly while the city stretched on to the horizon, fading into the mist. It was so beautiful, yet so cold and lonely, a picture without life, frozen in time. Looking back at the castle, he noticed parts of it looked like the one Ghaust used to reside in...before he became corrupted by darkness. The castle gleamed in the light. It was smooth, resembling marble.
Yagami's eyes darted towards Tiel as he took a step towards the edge of the bridge. Somehow Yagami knew that if he didn't stop Tiel, he would wander the city forever, trapping in time itself.
-
As you can tell, I also split it up into four separate paragraphs. I did this for two reasons: 1) it was a huge paragraph and hard to read (this is a problem in a few other places, too) and 2) the subject changed from the scenery to the characters, then back to the scenery and finally finished with the characters again. That change in focus is a good marker for where paragraphs can be split up.
Haha I'm starting to get tired now, so I'll give you some tips instead of critiquing individual sentences. Especially with the battle scenes, I noticed you took a step-by-step approach. Those types of scenes are very hard to make flow correctly, but I felt that the sentences stumbled over each other sometimes. If you read over those parts a few times, you'll probably notice where it's an issue.
The dialogue is kind of...lackluster and cliche. It felt kind of forced and not real. I'd also recommend stepping away from foreign-sounding names. Yagami sounds very strange when you have a Chris in the same sentence, if you know what I mean. You should try to make them all sounds like they're from the same area unless, of course, they aren't meant to be. (While that's fine, I personally don't like it thrown in there unless it has some bearing on the plot.) (And yes, I know of the attachments writers can get to certain names for characters (as I've had a few myself), but overall it's better for a story if something fits, in my opinion.) Also, aside from Tiel maybe, the others don't have much personality at this point in the story. That can certainly change later on, but it's something you should focus on if you continue with this.
What's really good is your imagery. You have some great metaphors and such, but you need to learn how to make them work inside writing like this. Some of the little changes I made with the first paragraph are helpful. Just making everything flow better is a great way to bring out the quality of the mental images. When someone stumbles over something in reading, it tends to ruin any images in their head. Or at least that's what I've found from my experience.
I guess that's all for now. I honestly have no idea why I felt inclined to do a massive critique like this, but I hope it helps you. :P I'm available for help here and there and I'll be reading whatever continuations you have of this, but I usually have to be in the right mood to help in this extended manner.
Also this is really interesting. I like the concept behind it. Haha I guess that's my final thought on this. ^_^
Happy writing!
In stories like these, the first paragraph is incredibly important, so I'm going to break it down sentence-by-sentence.
"The light faded revealing a ruined bridge leading to a spiraling castle that seemed to be being built by the clouds above."
First of all, you should have a comma after "faded". :P I noticed your general punctuation could use some work, but right here it was most important, in my opinion. Also, you have two "ing" adjectives in the same sentence, which makes it read strangely. Oh, and the "be being" is weird. Here's an example of how I would personally fix this:
"The light faded, revealing a ruined bridge leading to a castle which seemed to be built by the clouds as it spiraled downward."
It's still a bit of a run-on sentence, but I think it flows better that way.
"Below it lay a misty village, empty and lifeless, only the mist moved in the non-existent breeze."
I'd recommend splitting it into two sentences as well as stating what "it" is referring to:
"Below the bridge lay a misty village, empty and lifeless. Only the mist moved in the non-existent breeze."
"It was as Axum had said; the once great city Ashtoreth was forever frozen here, long before it was consumed by darkness."
I believe that semicolon should actually be a dash, but I'm not sure, to be honest. Anyway, there's a little contradiction here from the way I'm reading it. The city was "forever frozen" and then you have "long before" proceeding it. I'm not really sure what direction you wanted to take with this sentence, but I'll give you a clearer version:
"It was as Axum had said - the once great city of Ashtoreth was forever frozen here, even before it was consumed by darkness."
That "even before" is a little more clear, in my opinion.
"Silently gleaming in the light, it was a painful reminder of what Terra once was."
You're using the "it" pronoun a bit too often. :P
"Silently gleaming in the light, the city was a painful reminder of what Terra once was."
"Yagami could see the pain reflected in Tiel's eyes, after all this was once his home, his sanctuary."
This should be separated into two sentences:
"Yagami could see the pain reflected in Tiel's eyes. After all, this was once his home, his sanctuary."
"He wished he could comfort Tiel, but no words came to mind, so instead he turned his gaze upon the castle."
That's good. :)
"It was in the center of the city, but no doors or paths lead from the city to the castle, the bridge which they stood on was the only way to get inside."
Again, I don't like the "it". ;P The part about the doors or paths sounds kind of awkward because of the repetition of the word "city". Also, the comma between "the castle, the bridge" would be better as a semicolon.
"The castle was in the center of the city with no doors or paths connecting the two; the bridge which they stood on was the only way to get inside."
"The bridge itself was made of brick, chipped in some places, and was suspended by naught but air."
A bridge made of brick? O_o That's a poor design choice, but otherwise this sentence is alright. (I like your use of the word "naught". ;3)
"Yagami looked behind him and saw the bridge ended abruptly while the city stretched on to the horizon, fading into the mist."
No problems here.
"It was so beautiful, yet so cold, so lonely, a picture without life frozen in time."
I don't like how you tried to make that into a list. Otherwise good imagery, but I feel this would flow better:
"It was so beautiful, yet so cold and lonely, a picture without life, frozen in time."
"Looking back at the castle he noticed parts of it looked like the castle Ghaust used to reside in before he became corrupted by darkness."
Repetition of the word "castle" bothered me. Also you need a comma after "Looking back at the castle":
"Looking back at the castle, he noticed parts of it looked like the one Ghaust used to reside in...before he became corrupted by darkness."
I used "the one" to replace "the castle" and also added a ... between the "reside in" and "before" since it seemed like a good place to have a pause. ^_^
"The castle gleamed in the light, smooth, it resembled marble."
The way you have this doesn't make much sense. That "smooth" you added in there doesn't fit, so you need to do something else with it. :P
"The castle gleamed in the light. It was smooth, resembling marble."
Also splitting it into two sentences emphasizes both pieces better, in my opinion.
"Yagami's eyes darted towards Tiel as he took a step towards the edge of the bridge."
Good. ;)
"Somehow Yagami knew that if he didn't stop him, he would wander the city forever, trapped in time itself."
"If he didn't stop him" is bugging me. You shouldn't be afraid to use nouns where it'll make a sentence more clear.
"Somehow Yagami knew that if he didn't stop Tiel, he would wander the city forever, trapping in time itself."
So the entire revised first paragraph I've formed would be...
The light faded, revealing a ruined bridge leading to a castle which seemed to be built by the clouds as it spiraled downward. Below the bridge lay a misty village, empty and lifeless. Only the mist moved in the non-existent breeze. It was as Axum had said - the once great city of Ashtoreth was forever frozen here, even before it was consumed by darkness. Silently gleaming in the light, the city was a painful reminder of what Terra once was.
Yagami could see the pain reflected in Tiel's eyes. After all, this was once his home, his sanctuary. He wished he could comfort Tiel, but no words came to mind, so instead he turned his gaze upon the castle.
The castle was in the center of the city with no doors or paths connecting the two; the bridge which they stood on was the only way to get inside. The bridge itself was made of brick, chipped in some places, and was suspended by naught but air. Yagami looked behind him and saw the bridge ended abruptly while the city stretched on to the horizon, fading into the mist. It was so beautiful, yet so cold and lonely, a picture without life, frozen in time. Looking back at the castle, he noticed parts of it looked like the one Ghaust used to reside in...before he became corrupted by darkness. The castle gleamed in the light. It was smooth, resembling marble.
Yagami's eyes darted towards Tiel as he took a step towards the edge of the bridge. Somehow Yagami knew that if he didn't stop Tiel, he would wander the city forever, trapping in time itself.
-
As you can tell, I also split it up into four separate paragraphs. I did this for two reasons: 1) it was a huge paragraph and hard to read (this is a problem in a few other places, too) and 2) the subject changed from the scenery to the characters, then back to the scenery and finally finished with the characters again. That change in focus is a good marker for where paragraphs can be split up.
Haha I'm starting to get tired now, so I'll give you some tips instead of critiquing individual sentences. Especially with the battle scenes, I noticed you took a step-by-step approach. Those types of scenes are very hard to make flow correctly, but I felt that the sentences stumbled over each other sometimes. If you read over those parts a few times, you'll probably notice where it's an issue.
The dialogue is kind of...lackluster and cliche. It felt kind of forced and not real. I'd also recommend stepping away from foreign-sounding names. Yagami sounds very strange when you have a Chris in the same sentence, if you know what I mean. You should try to make them all sounds like they're from the same area unless, of course, they aren't meant to be. (While that's fine, I personally don't like it thrown in there unless it has some bearing on the plot.) (And yes, I know of the attachments writers can get to certain names for characters (as I've had a few myself), but overall it's better for a story if something fits, in my opinion.) Also, aside from Tiel maybe, the others don't have much personality at this point in the story. That can certainly change later on, but it's something you should focus on if you continue with this.
What's really good is your imagery. You have some great metaphors and such, but you need to learn how to make them work inside writing like this. Some of the little changes I made with the first paragraph are helpful. Just making everything flow better is a great way to bring out the quality of the mental images. When someone stumbles over something in reading, it tends to ruin any images in their head. Or at least that's what I've found from my experience.
I guess that's all for now. I honestly have no idea why I felt inclined to do a massive critique like this, but I hope it helps you. :P I'm available for help here and there and I'll be reading whatever continuations you have of this, but I usually have to be in the right mood to help in this extended manner.
Also this is really interesting. I like the concept behind it. Haha I guess that's my final thought on this. ^_^
Happy writing!
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