I loved it! What a fantastic story! My only qualm is that it wasn't longer! There's so much that could be added to this!

Yes... I did think of a way to extend it by 10 more pages once I finished it, but... my next story will be similar, as in, it will include a flammie as the creature again. I plan on making this next story the longest of mine yet.

Need to remember to hit the 'reply' button, dude.

10 PAGES?! Dude, there's a mountain if material that could be done for this story! You could delve into the history of the flammies! You could add a whole history of Seryn!

I'm a slow reader to begin with, but when I'm analysing, I take longer. I've only done the 1st page so far, and there are a few things I'm having a problem understanding because of the way it's written.

Dad wouldn’t think twice about his actions, not less even care about them.
PAGE 1 FOURTH PARAGRAPH

It says "not less even care". I'm not sure if it is just a colloquialism (sp?), but from what I read others say, a more commonly said phrase is "much less care". I don't know if you meant to say that or if you meant what you put, but that's my suggestion on that.

I wasn’t going to put up with this though! Using my arm that was available, I belted him in the face, of which, turned from the blow.
PAGE 1 EIGHTH PARAGRAPH

This would read better if you took out "of which". I'm sure that is correct, but for ease of readers who aren't familiar with the phrase, you should probably change it.

I couldn’t help, but cry, as I lifted myself up to my feet once again.
PAGE 1 ELEVENTH PARAGRAPH

This was the only gramatical error I felt the need to mention. There should be no commas in this sentence.

Well, to be a member of my family, you would soon realize that it’s not me, but everyone else.
PAGE 1 LAST PARAGRAPH

I honestly just do not get what you mean by this sentence. If it's just me, then I apologize for bringing it up, but if I'm not the only one having problems understanding this sentence, I suggest re-writing it.



That's just the first page. If you are ok with me critiquing in this manner, I will continue. If not, just let me know. I'll still read it and give you an "over-all" critique.

On second thought, I'll post on the original or send a note. Much easier than  fawriters contacting him to have him read it.

No need to find every error throughout the story! Besides, I just covered this kind of grammar in English 3 today XD.

I think that you may be making to heavy of an analysis on some of these though. I do realize that the 2nd last sentence you've mentioned now, needs no commas. Everything else though, I can understand. I will have to see what others think though. Other than that, I'm wondering what grade you're in. If you've already graduated, then disregard this question. I only ask, because it would clear up some of my thoughts about your confusion.

I am a senior in high school, and I think I just realized what you meant by that last sentence. I still think it could be worded a little better, but that's up to you.

And it did say "critique requested", so I gave it as basic as I could.

That's just how I am. I overly analyze everything. I actually didn't point out EVERY error or something I thought could be worded better. There were quite a few I found but purposely didn't mention.

I guess that I did "request" it. Anyways though, I have a particular interest in you. Seeing that you have such attention to detail in writing, I'm curious as to how you write. I'm going to check yours, if any.

BTW, I'm a Junior. XD