For the last like; month I got really hyperfixated on the drag stuff, as well as doing some near constant thinking and analyzing my gender identity, sexuality, my self image, etc;
And yesterday it all just sorta boiled over in an anxiety attack that just vaporlocked my fucking brain and it kinda just...

made me realize that I got really stuck to all of this because my self esteem was just so low, and the idea of crafting this whole other identity for myself, it got really attractive. To just throw 'me' out and be a different 'me.'
but over the course of the day, I started to think about how 'me' is really not bad. I'm not a bad person, I'm not an ugly undesirable person, I'm a perfectly valid person on my own. And the fact that I'd walk past mirrors at work and be like "ugh, look at this ugly fucko, can't wait to get home and cover up THAT mess" felt like I was putting myself down in much harsher way than I realized. It's landed for me that my issues all really come back to my nature as an anxiety-ridden potato with self-worth problems, rather than any true gender/sexuality issues.
So yeah. Probably gonna put this whole subject to bed and retire the whole "Lavender Gothique" persona. At least for a while.
I will absolutely continue to wear the dresses I bought and paint my nails though, because I like it and it looks good on me.

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and I think on one other note, I may have also been using it as a way to relate to a bit, as they're going through their gender identity transition. And I like to believe I have a lot more respect and compassion now for anybody that goes through body dysphoria because that shit fucking blows, and I will 200% bake you cake with your pronouns on it and smash it into the face of anybody who misgenders you.