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Self Destruction - *Vent Art*
So many things have been wrong. For years, I have been struggling so much. No matter how hard I try to convince myself things will be ok, there's always this demon inside my mind that tells me I'm not worth it. It tells me I shouldn't have said this or that, I should have been better, I should have spoken up, I should have done something. Under the pressure of peers -- promises I made to keep silent in order to keep peace -- I've collapsed under the weight. The consequences therein of keeping silent for so long that it's made the hurt relatively old news, has rendered me to succumb to isolation. I'm no stranger to this, I've been here before.
Time and time again, I have to weigh what I should say and what I shouldn't. Putting me in this echo chamber of weighing what "could" hurt less whenever I do want to speak up. In the end, I turn complacent. This demon is pleased by the anxiety and struggle I have within myself.
I've lost so many connections and pushed so much more away to shield myself from the pain inflicted. There was so much that needed to be said, so much I could've done, so much I shouldn't have done. But then the reminder of "woulda coulda shoulda's " doesn't fix anything, I should just move forward and stop dwelling on all the pain.
But I just can't shake it.
I'm all alone in this cave of sorrows and pain.
I've lost so much hope and don't trust much of anyone anymore. So I'm just here. The demon relishes in my despair as I sit in isolation.
There's no fixing this, so why should it matter?
I didn't deserve the good things I had. I blew it. I wasn't good enough. It's not worth trying anymore.
So why do I keep telling myself I still have a shot? Art/Era ©
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Category All / All
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File Size 423.7 kB
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Cause you still have a shot. We all go through our lows, but at some point things will get better. I can't tell you how long I have been in a low, but I push forwards every day, and put on a smile, despite if it hurts. I still try.
As a song by an music artist named Rodney Atkins goes:
"If you're going through Hell, Keep on going, don't slow down, If you're scared don't show it, You might get out, Before the devil even knows you're there"
As a song by an music artist named Rodney Atkins goes:
"If you're going through Hell, Keep on going, don't slow down, If you're scared don't show it, You might get out, Before the devil even knows you're there"
Myself mostly, but even when trying to ask it gets avoided =/ I've been told I "have a chance" in a way as well, but was followed up as if it's in a stalemate I guess.
It really hurts knowing things are just "up in the air" so to speak, as if I'm being expected to change in order for me to be 'eligible'. I know of what apparently needs to be done, but it requires essentially impossible/hard discussions that I don't believe are worth getting into to "fix" the issues.
It really hurts knowing things are just "up in the air" so to speak, as if I'm being expected to change in order for me to be 'eligible'. I know of what apparently needs to be done, but it requires essentially impossible/hard discussions that I don't believe are worth getting into to "fix" the issues.
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