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This story took a while, largely because of other distractions, though partly because it has a somewhat unusual structure. It's the first part of a two part story, which I split when I decided I didn't want to go too long without posting something. This one's mostly setup and background, with nothing traditionally erotic in it, just as a warning for anyone expecting such things ;>
As a side note, this is set in the same world as "Getting Closer", as well as my next story, which should be posted within a few days.
As a side note, this is set in the same world as "Getting Closer", as well as my next story, which should be posted within a few days.
Category Story / Transformation
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 38.8 kB
Things I liked:
-The previous stories you did were all one-shotters, for the most part. There wasn't a big focus on world-building, just on the events that transpired. This story crafts a universe for the characters to act in, and you do it wonderfully!
-The characters have an impressive level of detail given to them, their thoughts, and their actions. They fit the roles they play, and those roles fit the world they're living in. Nothing stands out as being out of place or tossed in without reason or explanation. That's wonderful, since it lends the reader a much more immersive experience. The main character is easy to empathize with. I'm especially entertaining by the psionic aspect of him, being a Mewtwo-fan and all :P You use that trait of his life extremely well, and portray it much more effectively than other writers who include psions in their stories.
-Right along with the world design, the machinery, procedures, and other aspects of things the characters fit. This is very obviously a world radically different from the stereotypical 'Earth, but with furries'. The shielding from the chaotic energy, the runic augmentations to the characters and their equipment, and that especially imaginative airship are wonderful touches. I'll look forward to seeing how more of that is developed as the plot progresses.
-Speaking of the plot: Superb pacing. Everything blends together nicely, time-wise. You blend information about the world while progressing things along at a rate that doesn't overload the reader with stuff they'd miss, nor do you bog the reader down (which I tend to do).
-Loved the sequence with the chaos-dragon. Really, loved it. Nice sense of action, and really nice imagery.
Stuff that I'd offer critique on:
-I think I remember you recommending Perido Street Station in a journal, and I checked it out on my Kindle after that. The tone of the writing in this story and some of the world traits seem to reflect Perido's theme. You pull it off very nicely. But what put me off from Perido was the fact that aside from the writing being immensely dreary and downtrodden, the author apparently didn't seem to care that they were painting a society that simply could not have functioned in the least. The city the characters lived in just repeatedly smacked of not even being able to hold together for a week, much less develop infrastructure, massive buildings, and any sort of economy.
Please, (and keeping in mind, this is just my POV), resist the temptation to go that far with anything. Don't make the world and the society seem so unstable the reader has to suspend their disbelief on it being even remotely possible. You've got a great grasp of it so far, but small stuff slips in that catches the eye, like one in every fifty aircraft flights ending in a crash. A statistic like that doesn't mean the odds 'favor' anyone. That's a truly terrifyingly high number of lost equipment and lives.
-I had a bit of trouble picturing the main character, but much a much easier time seeing the supporting cast. They seemed to get more of a direct physical description than he did. Was that intentional? To allow the reader to decide on just how they cared to view him?
-Small editing mistakes. Like "it's" being used in place of "its", for possessives.
-I had a bit of trouble with picturing just how the dragon's head and the rest of its body fit into or out of the interior of the craft. That's likely just me forming a bad mental image though.
-Kinda in the same vein, there were transitions between the flashes of mental perspective near the end there, but some shifts were easier to flow with than others. It wasn't hard to follow what the main character was seeing, and from what angle, But I did need to slide back and reread a few times.
-The previous stories you did were all one-shotters, for the most part. There wasn't a big focus on world-building, just on the events that transpired. This story crafts a universe for the characters to act in, and you do it wonderfully!
-The characters have an impressive level of detail given to them, their thoughts, and their actions. They fit the roles they play, and those roles fit the world they're living in. Nothing stands out as being out of place or tossed in without reason or explanation. That's wonderful, since it lends the reader a much more immersive experience. The main character is easy to empathize with. I'm especially entertaining by the psionic aspect of him, being a Mewtwo-fan and all :P You use that trait of his life extremely well, and portray it much more effectively than other writers who include psions in their stories.
-Right along with the world design, the machinery, procedures, and other aspects of things the characters fit. This is very obviously a world radically different from the stereotypical 'Earth, but with furries'. The shielding from the chaotic energy, the runic augmentations to the characters and their equipment, and that especially imaginative airship are wonderful touches. I'll look forward to seeing how more of that is developed as the plot progresses.
-Speaking of the plot: Superb pacing. Everything blends together nicely, time-wise. You blend information about the world while progressing things along at a rate that doesn't overload the reader with stuff they'd miss, nor do you bog the reader down (which I tend to do).
-Loved the sequence with the chaos-dragon. Really, loved it. Nice sense of action, and really nice imagery.
Stuff that I'd offer critique on:
-I think I remember you recommending Perido Street Station in a journal, and I checked it out on my Kindle after that. The tone of the writing in this story and some of the world traits seem to reflect Perido's theme. You pull it off very nicely. But what put me off from Perido was the fact that aside from the writing being immensely dreary and downtrodden, the author apparently didn't seem to care that they were painting a society that simply could not have functioned in the least. The city the characters lived in just repeatedly smacked of not even being able to hold together for a week, much less develop infrastructure, massive buildings, and any sort of economy.
Please, (and keeping in mind, this is just my POV), resist the temptation to go that far with anything. Don't make the world and the society seem so unstable the reader has to suspend their disbelief on it being even remotely possible. You've got a great grasp of it so far, but small stuff slips in that catches the eye, like one in every fifty aircraft flights ending in a crash. A statistic like that doesn't mean the odds 'favor' anyone. That's a truly terrifyingly high number of lost equipment and lives.
-I had a bit of trouble picturing the main character, but much a much easier time seeing the supporting cast. They seemed to get more of a direct physical description than he did. Was that intentional? To allow the reader to decide on just how they cared to view him?
-Small editing mistakes. Like "it's" being used in place of "its", for possessives.
-I had a bit of trouble with picturing just how the dragon's head and the rest of its body fit into or out of the interior of the craft. That's likely just me forming a bad mental image though.
-Kinda in the same vein, there were transitions between the flashes of mental perspective near the end there, but some shifts were easier to flow with than others. It wasn't hard to follow what the main character was seeing, and from what angle, But I did need to slide back and reread a few times.
Thanks for the comments, I made a few small adjustments based on some of it. I have been trying to make a fairly interesting world here, one I intend to use more in the future, and I'm glad it came through. Though technically one of the earlier stories is set here too, it doesn't use it well, and there are some major things I'd change about that one in terms of setting, now that I have a better feel for the world.
Simply fantastic work.
Like SSJ3Mewtwo I detected the same nice, rich flavor of a quasi-modern magical world that China Mieville put together with his New Crobuzon stories. The effort and care you took putting everything together was clearly evident, and I loved it. Same thing goes for the characters, especially the avians. While the switching back and forth between mental perspectives was a tad disorienting, it fit well enough with the story (mimicking the difficulty the character was having after the crash) well enough that I took it all in stride.
I'm eager to see where you go with this story, and to see how the setting and characters develop. You've more than earned my watch & fave :).
Like SSJ3Mewtwo I detected the same nice, rich flavor of a quasi-modern magical world that China Mieville put together with his New Crobuzon stories. The effort and care you took putting everything together was clearly evident, and I loved it. Same thing goes for the characters, especially the avians. While the switching back and forth between mental perspectives was a tad disorienting, it fit well enough with the story (mimicking the difficulty the character was having after the crash) well enough that I took it all in stride.
I'm eager to see where you go with this story, and to see how the setting and characters develop. You've more than earned my watch & fave :).
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