nice start.
definitely good for your first story!

Ok, let's criticise!

here are a few tips to improve.
try to introduce your characters. it will create a personality and type of person. as i can see in your story, it is very likely it is your own personality :P of course, that is the easiest personality to describe. (i do it too) i also can see that youve tried to introduce your main character. the bad sleep habbit and college etc. a lot of writers do this, but it is more readible by adding a (special) event like somebody bullied and hit you for example.

secondly, try not to write scenarios or events all of a sudden. there must be a cause to (almost) everything. part by part, scenario by scenario, the reader will learn and understand more of the story. Thus making the story more interesting and most important: sticky. Also this causes a climax in the end. some writers make the mistake by writing the exciting part first. the art of writing is, is to build up the story to the action-based part without letting the reader get bored.

thirdly, try to put in a few breaks. not literally by adding an empty line, but the way of story telling. readers need breaks while reading. if the action continues too long at a high pitch, the (Wowiewauw! awesome!) climax effect is gone. for example: phew, its gone. blablabla, fuck! its back! dumdumdum.... (you can see that very often in movies, like the bad guy coming back)

further tips:
1: readers like details. without details, it isnt a problem for a reader with a lot of imagination: he will just imagine something with it. Though readers without a lot of imagination, will find the story easily unrealistic or boring.

2: the come back tactic: you see this very often in movies.
in the middle or in the beginning of the movie, if you see a big tank. you can be sure that later in the movie, during the action, the tank will be used. or while the main character is escaping, he passes a switch and he shortly pays attention to it, it will be very likely he must come back later to turn the switch.

3: try to create questions, making the story sticky, because the reader wants the questions answered and that is only possible by reading the whole story. this can be done in combination with the come back tactic
But be careful, don't create too many questions. once I read a story with so many questions coming up in my mind, that the story became confusing and not fun to read.


Conclusion:
this is a good start as i can see you can very well write stories with a lot of action. (nevertheless, the action part is the most important part in contrary to the stuff i wrote above)
i suggest you write another story for yourself.

and uh
hey, dont say youre not writing anymore!
you did well! come on! go
lift up your lazy arse!

I'll take in all of what you said.

Just to tell you it's really not my personality I used, I've kind of borrowed chunks personality/habits from people I know and tried my best to use them together to make an intresting character.

Well since you like it and I've got the week-end and a week off after this week comming up, I might continue it.
Although this time i'm going to try and plan it out a bit more, i gotta admit when i wrote this story I really did just try and write down ideas as they came to my head and only thought briefly of how I could put them together in a plot later.

Anyways cheers for the watch/fave ect ^^ but remember i wrote this story for a trade with you and I hope you use the ideas I had to better use than I would have!

haha don't worry
I think the trade story will be finished in a week.
Im only afraid of one thing though. I think Im going to make a series out of it...
the idea and concept sounds good and interesting so I'll give it a try!
btw, Wolves can't be caught also started like your way! It is the first story I ever wrote which will be finished too!
can you imagine that! i never thought it would come that far...
so you're not the only starting writer

I hope you do make good use of my ideas but I can't denie that if/when I continue this story i'm going probally go onto a similar plot to that of the ideas I sent you!

haha lol,
now the question is, do you want to keep the plot for youself or do you want me to use it?

Nah you use the plot, i'm still getting used to writing. You'll make better use of the plot than me.

Also i'm going to spend more time on my second story and hence won't be able to get around to the other plot for awhile

ok
I wish you good luck
*thumbs up*

Good first story! I'll keep on reading!

Heh, thanks i guess, but it's gonna hard for me to get back into the swing of things when i get my computer back, so i'll probally either just get my commissions i owe people done straight away and leave it for a bit or take my time and properly start writing again....

Do whatever you want to do! I'm not so much interested in the individual characters so much as the themes and how the story happens.

So have fun and write away!