Art by   malificus
Editing by   fzygal

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<sup>“...what's it like when you go through time?”

“White light. Pain. Like being ripped inside out...slowly. Like being born, maybe.”

-The Terminator (1984)</sup>

Vy and NeAnne locked their tear-welled eyes with each other for a long moment, both comprehending the immensity of his sudden admission.

He gripped the table, stared down at it, glanced at the still mildly-sedated succubat symbiote still wobbling about in its box, bouncing off the sides—then resolutely pushed himself to his feet, nearly knocking the chair over again in his sudden awkward exhilaration.

“Okay, okay…” he was almost gasping for breath, a hand clutching at his chest. “Where do we do this?”

NeAnne was startled by the jarring immediacy of Vy’s intent, and could only manage to blink a few times before uttering “Um. Oh. Oh! Right now? Wow, I mean...I didn’t really expect—”

Vy gave a sharp nod, the only effective indication of his desire in contrast to trembling, frozen stance of the rest of his body. Even now, even with his most personal desire fully revealed, something within him was still trying to hold him back.

Run, it said. Flee.
Our body, it coaxed.
My body, it insisted.

He managed to turn from the table, straining against his own fear, feeling as though each step steps was a struggle against the current of a black, ichorous stream of opposition. If he wanted this so much, why was he still so hesitant?

“Hun-pai?” NeAnne had been watching Vy’s stilted movements, could see his jaw clenched as he seemed to struggle to move. “We don’t have to do this now, you’ve already taken a big step…”

But Vy knew if he paused, if he hesitated, his resolve would falter; he’d be consumed, drawn even deeper into that pit within himself and it would be all the more difficult to escape. It was preposterous he had made it this far, being so incredibly self-destructive as he had been—he wasn’t sure he could survive going through all of that again. No, he had to do this right now.

“I—I can do this, NeAnne, I want to do this.”

If he had ever wanted anything more in his life, he couldn’t recall.

He stepped forward. Again. Another. The invisible current pressing against Vy did not yield, but neither did Vy, and it could not stand against the tide of frustration and fury of a life eager to cast-off the burden of having to pretend to be someone that they never really were.

Vy marched into the living room. NeAnne followed.

He shrugged out of his jacket, feeling slightly vulnerable now, but knowing it was something he needed to preserve, and the transformations were rather unkind to clothing. He held out the garment to NeAnne, who accepted it, smiling. They locked eyes for a moment, both gripping Vy’s prized jacket.

There was a clatter from the kitchen, and the box from the table clattered into view through the doorway.

It was empty.

NeAnne placed a finger to her mouth, brow furrowed. “Hmm...the sedative must be wearing off..”

“What?!” Vy went wide-eyed, glancing around anxiously to see where the little symbiote might pop-out. He could hear it’s scrabbling movements somewhere.

“Shit, shit…” He wasn’t finished getting undressed. Vy hooked a thumb in the waist of his pants and began to tug them down, however, his tactical errors in neglecting to unfasten the fly cost a few precious seconds.

Seconds were all the symbiote needed.

The little creature appeared then, jumping past the frame and clinging to the ceiling in the kitchen, the eye on it’s wiggling little tail wide-open and quite clearly excited. It darted across the ceiling into the living room and dropped to the floor, throwing its wings out just enough to soften it’s landing. The moment it’s little dabbly-legs hit the ground it took off in a sprint.

“Oh!” NeAnne exclaimed, helpfully.

Having realized he was still gripping his coat with the other hand, he quickly released it, using both hands now to try and tug his pants down. This tactic may have proven successful if it weren’t for Vy’s concurrent, clashing impulse to also run. His nerves betrayed him, and he attempted to step away with his pants now bunched above his knees, putting him terribly off-balance.

“No, wait, wa—”

Vy had a couple of realizations at his point; the first being that this was actually going to happen. The second—this was not going to be at-all dignified.

That Vy was still wearing the ridiculous party hat only seemed to help punctuate this absurdity.

The succubat symbiote closed-in and leapt—it’s little leathery wings flapping once to aid it’s jump—as it gave a giddy and triumphant “chirrp-CHIRRRP!” before landing perfectly on Vy’s lower back, lashing its tail around his own , and finally biting down—hard.

________________________________________

It was only a few measures of a moment, but drawn-out slow over a dull razor of realization.

His nightmares and dreams of this happening had often resulted in his waking up, back spasming from pressure on his sciatic nerve.

This was much, much worse than sciatica.

Vy wasn’t sure if a person’s soul was supposed to have nerves, but it sure as hell felt like his did, and they were on fire.

He was vaguely aware that he had collapsed to his knees, but the world outside of himself had faded-out of comprehension. Instead, beyond the physical sensations that tore within his flesh as the symbiote transformed his body, he was flooded with the experiences within; the memories of who he (they) had been, before (t)he(y) felt trapped and obligated to fulfill a role that he (they) had never asked for, never wanted.

The realization of their years of attempting to shield himself—themself—with this cruel armor, this prison of toxic personality, threatened to tear them apart. All those years, wasted...

But then Vy felt the burden that had settled within him (them) be stripped-away—slowly at first, but then more rapidly. Vy could feel the veneer upon his (their) former self warp, bubble-up, split and shear and fall away; a dark, viscous poison being thoroughly extracted from Vy’s spirit, screaming in protest at being involuntarily ejected by this bio-psychological symbiote-sandblasting, cleansing it from the body and consciousness it had held domain over for so long.

And while there was some relief in this absence, it left Vy’s heart a little raw, and a little sad.

Despite the sense of freedom, it had been something Vy had worked so hard to build-up as protection, as a way to exist within the world while minimizing harm. And though it had been painful to the core, it was also familiar, so as the mask tore-away, baring the gremlin’s true self, Vy could not fathom what could fill that gaping void left as his (their) former self was being so readily disintegrated. Who even were they without this shell? Did the other symbionts experience this as well, or had Vy made an error by trying to become a part of something that wasn’t meant to be?

Did I make a mistake? Was I not certain enough? Have I ruined everything?

And then the memories came back, no longer trapped within the dense fog of self-deceit. Childhood, adolescence, young adult; all those phases in which Vy had struggled for something that could not be clearly conceived, knowing only that there was something wrong in what was forced-upon them. And through all of it, through all the failures and foibles and hurt caused to themself and to others, Vy had sought but one, seemingly unattainable goal:

I just wanted to be myself. I just wanted to be a good person.

Not a man, not a woman—those were irrelevant for Vy, they now realized—just a good person.

There was a new presence now, seeping into the wounds left by the excoriating emotional trauma of the transformation, and where it touched, it soothed and healed. Vy could sense it as a sentient presence, and it was communicating—not with words, but with emotion.

As it poured over and into the gaps left vacant by the departure of their torment, it did not try to establish control as the earlier presence. It offered understanding, reassurance, empathy. It encouraged Vy to take control, to define themself—it was only here to help, and it loved Vy. It loved him.

It was as though an intelligent, loyal, and fuzzy animal-companion was curling-up comfortably in Vy’s soul.

There was a wash of euphoria and warmth as time resumed its normal pace.

________________________________________

“Vy! Vy, are you okay, hun-pai?!”

It was NeAnne’s voice, concerned.

“Say something, hun…”

Vy realized they were on their hands and knees, breathing rapidly from both the exertion of the transformation and the biochemical cocktail that they knew had been pumped-into their body from the symbiote. They lifted an arm and hand to give a trembling thumbs-up to stall for time to find their voice again.

“I-I’m o-okay, hun,” Vy finally managed. “Oh dear hell, what a rush—what a...w-wow...heh, heheheee…” they tittered, unable to resist the giddy urge to do so. “Um, help me up please?”

Vy knew that their body had changed, things felt slightly foreign, but not uncomfortably so. But it wasn’t until NeAnne helped them stand that they even began to see any part of themself. The cloven hooves were a bit awkward to stand-upon at first, but Vy felt their legs steady quickly. They looked down at themself as NeAnne held their shoulders.

Well, I’m naked...

Mostly naked anyway. That was expected, though. They were covered by their new chitinous “corset,” but the rest of their body was uncovered. It felt weird, perhaps a little decadent, but not exactly embarrassing. They were a bit—well, squishier now; while their chest plumped just slightly above the mild constriction of their organic corset, they were nowhere near being the breasts Vy had been so concerned about.

Their hips though! And the thighs—those were something to behold. They wiggled them just slightly, testing the feeling of the new mass swaying with their movements, and blushed. Just a little femmy. Vy knew they were certainly going to have a bit more trouble finding pants now. Speaking-of...

Small fragments of their clothing littered the carpet, nearly disintegrated, reminding Vy that they had not been nearly successful in completely disrobing. Normally, Vy would have found this wasteful destruction absolutely mortifying, but now—whether it was the endorphin-rush or just the new comprehension that there were more important things than a few fancy rags—Vy could only find it vaguely amusing.

“I’m uh, I’m okay, NeAnne, I promise…”

She hugged them then, nuzzling against Vy happily, and stroking their new horns.

That’s a new sensation, Vy thought, a pleasant shiver running down their spine.

“I’m so sorry, hun, I should have thought—”

“N-no. Nah, it’s fine now. We’re fine. Nothing really hurt except my dignity, and I never had enough of that to hurt in the first place.” They laughed again—goddamn, they felt good.

There was another sensation now, taking a few moments to register. Vy looked down to their side opposite NeAnne, where a massive tailmaw was now nuzzling their side, blinking and hurgling and chirping happily.

“You little shit,” they said to the new face, not a trace of enmity or malice in their voice. “You just couldn’t wait, could you?”

The tailmaw chirped and clicked in response, it’s mouth a wide-open, drooling grin. NeAnne’s taileye came over to inspect the new addition on Vy. Ne-Chan looked at the tailmaw, blinked, looked back to NeAnne, and seemed to almost nod in approval.

NeAnne snickered a bit. “I think Ne-Chan and I both appreciate how this has turned-out.” She snuggled against Vy again, smooching their cheek.

“Well, that excessive salivating might be a problem, but, heh, I guess we’ll work through that, won’t we now—um…” Vy trailed off, realizing they wanted to address their new body-and-brain-mate with a name, but not yet certain what it should be.

“Are you going to name it, Vy?” NeAnne said, a hint of polite teasing in her voice.

Vy thought for a moment, staring at the grinning maw before grinning back at it in return.

“Yeah, yeah I am.” Vy’s smile widened with the self-amusement that came with their own brand of innocuous mischief.

“...oh, oh no—it’s not a pun, is it?” she pleaded halfheartedly.

Vy just looked at NeAnne, lovingly, and grinned even wider.

“Darling, sweetheart, hun-pai—some things will never