The start of this decade, I crawled into it out of the skin of my minor years. As a dragon. It didn't last long, as within the first year I became a monkey to shake off the niche of people I had started my furry life as just, an accessory to. Voluntarily, I will add. I attached to them because they were what I knew, who I knew. Who I wanted to be. Pseudo-spiritual people with their toes dipping in esoterica. Ah but they weren't, really. And I was able to realize that before the decade began.

I was lost for a while. Operating on autopilot. "Well I am a dragon, so that's what people know me as, so that's who I am." Even though my feelings for Taernyll became entirely dissociated. He no longer represented who I was, but I still felt such an attachment to him through the people who knew me as him. I let him remain while I wandered, lost for who I was.

It wasn't until the end of 2010 I decided I would pick Monkey. See, feral art is a big load, especially with designs as busy as dragons. I wanted to do more, do faster, and use references from the real world more accessibly. I thought of becoming a fox again, as I was originally a fox named Leon Claus. But I said to myself, that was a choice of vanity. I will leave that behind, for look where vanity got me. I looked to my star sign to help me decide on my new identity, something I couldn't change about myself. Something that could be the backbone for who I am and allow me to focus on excellence rather than appearances or diplomacy.

Sagittarius? Oh no, no. Being a taur would still deny me the anthro activity I wanted. So I turned to my Chinese zodiac, ah. The monkey. So it shall be! I hold all astrology in high esteem. I quickly identified with the idea of being a monkey as I had the idea of being a Sagittarius before. However what I did not identify with was the appearance. I don't have them any more, but if you looked to my first few references for my monkey-self you can see I have no idea how to make it look "good." It was hideous, and uncanny, and I misliked TWICE the hands to have to draw, especially when feet and hands already gave me enough trouble independently.

I carried on, for the better part of this decade I was monkey. Around 2014 I started to have a nice feeling for who I was. I had lost many friends for being anthro, and I lost a few more for being a "disgusting poop flinger." It was surreal to think that my fursona was the basis for making friendships on, but I mean I get it. It's a conscious choice to be a monkey, even if it meant so much to me to accept that "Being a Monkey" was something I could not change.

Around 2016 I really turned around to loving myself as a monkey. Why? Cos it was the Year of the Monkey baby! There was a surge of monkey art to share ideas and inspirations from. There was such a significant, real power to myself and my purpose as a person through the year that influenced every decision.

However I did come around to other concepts, too. I mean, after all these years people were still calling me "Tae." I kept Taernyll as a character, I allowed him to develop into his own character and reflect a certain facet of me, as Shilo and Clyde and Herbein, and even my dreamboat Corin did. They were far-removed characters, kind of one-note too. Which is fine, because they don't represent me as wholly as my "self." Yet I still did not reclaim my name. I thought changing my name would be too odd, so I sat on that. I was content with the status quo, but I wanted to make an art project I could pour my whole into. Something that would last with me as erratic and unpredictable as my life could be at times.

In 2017 I was creating characters to go hand in hand with my therapy. See, I had kept sketch books with me since 2012 but they filled up very slowly. Only art and some captions in them. But in 2017 I started to write journal entries often to keep track of how I am doing, where I am, what's on my mind, and weaving some art between them. I marathon making characters for a time. Using procedural generators to give me outfits and then I make a body type to fill them out and get a character for it. As sort of an exercise in creating characters and extras that don't need a whole lot of heavy circumstances applied to them. In that generator I have a few supporting and extra characters that I still use in drafts today. However, I did create a character I just completely latched onto: Jasqueath.

A phoenix, a very simple design but also a very satisfying silhouette and easy to recognize. There are truly only two features to him the aren't just "a white anthro bird." Three pock marks under his eyes and those big fwoofy head feathers in the style of Lu Bu and Wu Kong's Great-Sage-Equal-To-Heaven outfit. I just, I loved the design so much I tacked him on to my monkey as a "personal assistant." The type to hold a check-board or a tablet and stand behind Monkey, and manage him. Since, I mean, I am pretty goddamn bad at focusing. But the trade off is that Jasqueath is not very empathic or socially skilled so he sees my Monkey charisma to talk to the common person and relate to anyone as something of a buffer. Through me, the bird could focus and refine.

That attitude eventually transformed Jasqueath, in a way I just identified more and more with him. In ways I did not truly realize until the last year. That Jasqueath represents the Artisian in me. The one who wants to elevate and grow things up, and how fitting being a phoenix is because even if I must set down my art and it may appear that the "artist" in me is dead, he will reemerge later in a starburst of fires and passion!

However before 2018 started up, I decided that I would shake off the name "Tae." I thought long and hard on it, and finally felt it appropriate that I would RECLAIM my original elected name: Leon Claus. See, before dragons, before anything really. Before I met Nny, before I met Red, before I met the dragons, before anything else... I decided on the name Leon Claus and that was a decision that was solely decided on by me. That feeling was so empowering, that I could change and grow and become my own person rather than just take the hand I was dealt. I decided I'd do more than just take the name back, I would take everything back.

I became a fox, I modified the old design and became just a regular red fox, with a little extra red on the cheeks. Orange is a very euphoric color to me, so I was very happy to become him, once again.

Well, while I have great joy to be a chubby fox and be playful and start capturing my own destiny. It didn't come without some difficulty. Even now, there is a dissonance. Two conflicting truths at play in my heart, and at times it becomes difficult to keep up the facade. Being a fox is wholly a vain choice, and there's little reason to be him except that the person I am today "enjoys it." That vapid approach to an identity can only last so long... I know it, though. It doesn't trouble me so much when I think it through, and truly reflect. Being Leon Claus makes me happy, and it makes people more agreeable to my company than a monkey, and it's more easy to find merchandise for a fox than a primate!

What I am saying is, that my "fursona", that fun word we all use for our "furry self", is quite appropriate for the name. The fox is my persona. He is me, but only when I wear the mask. My public face, my preferred disguise. The means I remain incognito and keep things casual, keep them from getting too deep until I can truly trust in someone or something. In a way, it is a great betrayal to share this so publicly, I mean. Now everyone will know it's just a mask! But, in a moment of genuine plea, I hope you can trust how much it means to me. To recognize I know who I am beneath the mask, but still enjoy playing pretend. ♥

This is the last picture I've made in this decade. In it, you can see my feelings of myself all here. I've put on some weight, got a little sleepier. My artists aspirations seek to lift me up until I am one with the stars, but old bonds, old promises, and old mistakes drag me back down. The dragons play the role of my conscience and my jailer. My mask is my shield, and the pen is my sword.

For just this moment... I am finally me.

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Reach for my hand, I'll soar away
Into the dawn oh I wish I could stay
Here in cherished halls
In peaceful days
I fear the edge of dawn knowing time betrays

Faint lights pass through colored glass
In this beloved place
Silver shines, the world dines
A smile on each face.

As joy surrounds, comfort abounds
And I can feel I'm breaking free
For just this moment lost in time
I am finally me...

Yet still I hide
Behind this mask that I have become
My blackened heart
Scorched by flames, a force I can't run from

As I live out each peaceful day
Deep in my soul, oh I know I can't stay
So I wish I could hide away
Hold tight to what I love
Keep cruel fate at bay

Clickie!

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Happy New Year, and wishes for a happy new decade for all of you. If it weren't for this place, and all of the friends I have here- and the unbelievably mercy to keep me from the cold of misery...
Thank you, for allowing me to be me. ♥