i am glad on how this one came out.

now this piece here was to show my loner/ lone wolf trait that i always had, usually when i am like this in a bad mood, something is on my mind and bugging me or i am just stressed out i like to be left alone with my thoughts and think, but over time things started getting rough for me as i got older, i felt different, lost, the world i lived in confused me, an outcast of society, a lone wolf, it just felt like i didn't belong anywhere, friends, family i just felt like a burden to them, i did not like the person i am and on some days i still don't and that's mostly how i became over the years, cold, bitter, wrathful, mysterious, distant and felt like a nobody...... a failure.

but as i look at it i don't blame myself for having trust issues mostly what was done to me over the years, i thought as far as if i sinned or something, but what could i have done as a child to deserve any of that suffering which i am still dealing with the aftermath of that trauma, and the only sin i maybe guilty of is wrath and pride, as i pander more and more i think and wonder to myself do i deserve these friends that i have? i don't think so because i don't like the person i became, so why would anyone else like who i am? since i don't..... will anyone accept who i am even with all my faults? can they see past on what i done and who i am and can see there are reasons i am like this and i am not being mean or heartless out of ill will, all these thoughts running through my head, all the experiences i had made me truly believe this.

i never had many friends growing up mostly because i got stabbed in the back as i opened up to them, back stabbing traitors and lairs are the two things i can't stand the most in this world, but as i did find ones i could trust i still felt like i didn't deserve them like you guys deserve better then me, I've been use to being by myself for so long i guess i don't now handle others wanting to know me or even liking who i am even becoming friends or what have you.... but it does feel different in a nice kind a way, which i think i could get use to that being around those who care for you.

since i don't like to see ones that i care about have it tough or even suffer though life like i did or even deal with what i had to go through, i need to learn that maybe i am not as bad as i think, maybe i am not a psychopath as some have called me over the years.......... well maybe within reason but i am not a monster or heartless you know, maybe i can feel something again like love myself completely and even the ones I care about around me, hell if i took some much trouble and effort to try to better myself in so many ways then i must not hate myself as i thought because why would i even try then if that was the case.

it's not going to be easy and i still have a lot to take care of, but there is one thing that i feel that i haven't felt in years that keeps me going and that's.....................hope. =UwU=