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More from Mongami
no comment... criticism please...
Category Poetry / All
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 353 B
Only because you asked for criticism.
"Charm Behind Murder.
So charming.
So beautiful." (1-3)
At first I was going to tell you that the first three lines seem redundant, especially because "Charm Behind Murder" is the poem's title. However, I feel like it would have an interesting haiku-like feel if you separated the first three lines into their own tercet. Obviously, this is a highly subjective piece of criticism, but it's an idea you may want to toy with in the future. Especially since your other pieces aren't broken into stanzas (as far as I could tell).
"That person who calmly sits behind the yellow tape.
Staring out vacantly as they load the body on the ambulance." (4-5)
I feel like you could have done more with this description. "Calmly" and "vacantly" are good words, but they don't hold as much expression as if you were to describe body posture, thoughts, eye movements, gestures, etc.
"And they're there as they pronounce him dead." (6)
Upon fourth read-through, I'm noticing that you use exclusively end-stops. I think I agree with your choice of end-stops in this poem; everything feels like a completed and dead thought.
"And they smile.
Not too big.
So they don't get caught.
But they smile." (7-10)
I didn't really like this part. Felt like it was a little dead, but not in a good way. They smile, so they don't get caught, it's a played motif. There's nothing that new about the language itself. Again, I'd suggest playing around with stanza-form to see if that makes it more interesting. Alternatively, you could play around with analogies or imagism. Again, just throwing out ideas. Take them as you will.
"And they find another person.
And the cycle continues..." (11-12)
I feel like the ellipsis makes the point of the poem too blunt. It could be something you're trying to go for, bluntness, but bear in mind that that's what the ellipsis is doing for me. Nothing good or bad about that.
I feel like your poem doesn't tie together. You have a murder described as "charming and beautiful" and then instead of going on to describe the murder, you suddenly have someone watching the paramedics(?) load the body onto an ambulance, and then instead of expounding on that, you go to the (presumed) murderers and have them feel satisfied. It kind of feels all over the place.
Don't get me wrong, I like the thought behind the piece, and there are parts where some interesting techniques are used. The whole wanting-to-smile-but-not-actually-smiling thing is interesting, and the idea that murder is charming is also interesting, because there's a deviation from the expected in both situations.
You have a solid foundation to work with. It's only a matter of time until the mechanics follow.
"Charm Behind Murder.
So charming.
So beautiful." (1-3)
At first I was going to tell you that the first three lines seem redundant, especially because "Charm Behind Murder" is the poem's title. However, I feel like it would have an interesting haiku-like feel if you separated the first three lines into their own tercet. Obviously, this is a highly subjective piece of criticism, but it's an idea you may want to toy with in the future. Especially since your other pieces aren't broken into stanzas (as far as I could tell).
"That person who calmly sits behind the yellow tape.
Staring out vacantly as they load the body on the ambulance." (4-5)
I feel like you could have done more with this description. "Calmly" and "vacantly" are good words, but they don't hold as much expression as if you were to describe body posture, thoughts, eye movements, gestures, etc.
"And they're there as they pronounce him dead." (6)
Upon fourth read-through, I'm noticing that you use exclusively end-stops. I think I agree with your choice of end-stops in this poem; everything feels like a completed and dead thought.
"And they smile.
Not too big.
So they don't get caught.
But they smile." (7-10)
I didn't really like this part. Felt like it was a little dead, but not in a good way. They smile, so they don't get caught, it's a played motif. There's nothing that new about the language itself. Again, I'd suggest playing around with stanza-form to see if that makes it more interesting. Alternatively, you could play around with analogies or imagism. Again, just throwing out ideas. Take them as you will.
"And they find another person.
And the cycle continues..." (11-12)
I feel like the ellipsis makes the point of the poem too blunt. It could be something you're trying to go for, bluntness, but bear in mind that that's what the ellipsis is doing for me. Nothing good or bad about that.
I feel like your poem doesn't tie together. You have a murder described as "charming and beautiful" and then instead of going on to describe the murder, you suddenly have someone watching the paramedics(?) load the body onto an ambulance, and then instead of expounding on that, you go to the (presumed) murderers and have them feel satisfied. It kind of feels all over the place.
Don't get me wrong, I like the thought behind the piece, and there are parts where some interesting techniques are used. The whole wanting-to-smile-but-not-actually-smiling thing is interesting, and the idea that murder is charming is also interesting, because there's a deviation from the expected in both situations.
You have a solid foundation to work with. It's only a matter of time until the mechanics follow.
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