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Corgwn
Shenanigans IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE.
A text dump is included below, but the source file is recommended.
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TEXT DUMP BELOW
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Cai kicked his feet up on the command console and leaned back in the pilot's chair of the Farsight. The rabbit starship captain heaved a long sigh of boredom. He had been drifting through the sector on conventional thrusters for hours ever since his warp drive had suddenly decided that this backwater region of space was the ideal place to throw in the towel and not, say, somewhere with any sort of repair facilities. He'd even tried hailing a scrap vessel in the area, but only got static on the other end – so much for that plan. With nothing better to do, Cai idly thumbed through short-range signals to see if there was anything interesting around while he waited for a repair vessel to answer his maintenance request.
“Well, looks like there's not much here to see. Not even a backwater diner or anything.” Cai bemoaned to no one in particular, staring tiredly through the translucent holoscreen that hovered between him and the ceiling he was staring towards as he leaned back in his chair.
The only remotely interesting signal, which is to say just about the only signal around, was for some bizarre alien novelty warehouse. With nothing better to do, Cai brought up a purchase catalog, figuring that he might as well entertain himself with something.
Grozznorp's Alternative Life Solutions
“Yesterday's Problems Fixed with Tomorrow's Technology”
(Page Auto-Translated from Alpha Centaurian Glyphs)
“Why do aliens always have to have such silly names.” Cai mused aloud. “Well, I mean, I guess I'm the alien? Still, who names their kid 'Grozznorp'?”
The products on display were, needless to say, definitely geared to a different clientele – what with tentacle brushes, slime pumps, and bizarre tools with extensions that Cai wasn't entirely certain weren't intended for maiming and torturing. Interspersed with the downright strange products however, were the outright unbelievable. One-way time machines (yeah right), matter decompilers (sounds dangerous), DiY antimatter kits (sounds even more dangerous), but most interesting of all was the “Crew-in-a-box” self replicator.
Never Be Lonely Again!
An Entire Ship's Crew in Three Easy Steps!
Free Same-Day Delivery!
“Well this seems like an ethical gray area worth exploring.” Cai chuckled. He was getting just a touch lonely, so maybe this wouldn't a complete and total waste of time and money. Plus, free delivery, right?
Throwing caution to the wind, Cai placed an order, wired over the surprisingly cheap cost in galactic credits, and resumed doing nothing special in particular while he waited for the package to arrive.
To Cai's surprise, a delivery drone arrived with the package in little under thirty minutes – dropping off a large, wooden crate with all manner of unreadable warning labels plastered over every surface. Dragging it to the bridge and using a screwdriver to wrench a side panel off, Cai unboxed the strange device and its user guide, conveniently printed in several languages, including Galactic Standard.
Crew-in-a-Box
Quick Start User Guide
Step 1 – Insert batteries (not included) in designated slot.
Step 2 – Initiate scanning mode by pressing Red Button.
Step 3 – Perform a Full-Body Scan (see Diagram 3). Assistance may be needed.
Step 4 – Feed waste material* into Matter Processor.
Step 5 – Select number of desired Crewmates**
Step 6 – Attach new Crewmates to Atmosphere Pump and tie off input spout (see Diagrams 7-10).
*Complications may occur if living organic matter is used.
**Crewmate efficiency may decrease if overused. Consider purchasing a second Crew-in-a-Box for crews larger than 10.
WARNING: Do not leave Crew-in-a-Box unit unattended around Crewmates.
“Seems simple enough.” Cai muttered to himself, scratching his head, wondering how this thing even worked.
Fetching a pair of standard energy cells from storage, Cai slotted them into the large device which looked not entirely unlike an ordinary trash can, save for the non-removable lid and various input and output slots.
“So I just step through this hoop thing?” Cai lifted the attached scanning device, an expandable plastic ring connected via a long cable. The inner circumference of the scanner was lined with all manner of strange lights and sensors.
Cai couldn't help but feel an involuntary chill run up and down his spine as he carefully lifted the scanner from his feet up and over his head past his long ears, switching hands halfway through as instructed by the diagram. A small terminal on the machine indicated a successful SCAN COMPLETE, to Cai's pleasant surprise, fearing that the device might somehow be incompatible with his species.
“Ok, now I just need some waste matter to shove in this thing.” He mumbled, scratching his chin while scanning the bridge for something he could afford to throw out.
Cai's eyes settled on the box the device came in. Surely the wooden planks and assorted packing materials would suffice, right? Cai shrugged stuffed a wad of packing peanuts into the “Matter Processor”. The entire machine began to shudder and groan as the pile of styrofoam disappeared little by little. Once it was entirely consumed, the device heaved and sputtered, then fell silent.
Ding
A small flap opened on the side of the machine and a tiny lump of rubber flopped out onto the floor unceremoniously. Cai cautiously picked it up and inspected it thoroughly. As far as he could tell, it appeared to be some sort of balloon. It was soft, pliable, a tad squeaky – yep, this was definitely a balloon. He honestly wondered if he'd managed to purchase a machine that simply spat out lifeless decoys for some inexplicable purpose, but decided to hook the balloon up to the “Atmosphere Pump” just to see what would happen.
Hisssssss
The tiny balloon began to expand and take shape with a hollow whoosh as air rushed in. In a matter of seconds, the pump automatically cut off and Cai pulled the balloon free from the nozzle, tying it off as instructed. To his surprise, it was a relatively accurate simulacrum of himself in balloon form at about one-half scale. Even more surprisingly, the miniature Cai balloon sprang to life and gave a smile and salute, standing at attention with a soft squirk as it's limbs flexed and bent.
“Well hey there, little guy!” Cai greeted his tiny replica cheerily, patting it on the head gently. “Can you understand me?”
The little bunny nodded eagerly.
“Can you talk?” Cai asked.
This time, the mini-Cai shook its head, still smiling.
“Hmmm.” Cai scratched his chin. “How about reading? Can you read?”
The bunny nodded again.
“Well then, why don't you read this manual.” Cai handed his smaller clone the user guide. “Think you can make me a few more crewmates using that box over there?”
Awkwardly flipping through the pages with its small, nubby balloon mitts, the mini-Cai scanned over the papers it had been given and looked over to the box, then back at Cai, nodding energetically.
“Alrighty, show me what you can do!”
Cai cheered his duplicant on as the tiny balloon dismantled one of the wooden crate panels with frightening efficiency and fed one of the planks into the slot in the machine which began grinding through it as if it were a wood chipper.
“Well I'll be, you really do work. Go figure.” Cai flopped back into his captain's chair and swiveled it to face the action.
Quite impressively, the miniature Cai not only managed to produce a second duplicant, but also managed to inflate it and instruct it on how to produce a third. No longer needing to do the work it had been assigned, having delegated it to another mini-Cai, the first mini-Cai proudly scurried up to Cai and hopped into his lap, making itself rather comfy in his lap.
“Awww, aren't you cute? And smart too. Making the others do all the work for you. Just like me, huh?”
The mini-Cai beamed from ear to ear and snuggled up to Cai.
Cai thought for a moment, scratching his chin. “Well, if you're that smart, hmmm. Do you think you can figure out what's wrong with the ship's warp drive?”
The mini-Cai pause to think for a moment, scratching its chin with a tiny squeak before nodding confidently.
“If you can do that, I'll make you second in command. How does that sound?” Cai asked the little bunny sitting in his lap.
The miniature Cai balloon nodded furiously and hopped off his lap, scurrying down the ship's corridor towards the warp drive.
“This can't possibly go wrong.” Cai laughed aloud. “I mean, they're just little balloons, what's the worst they can do?” Cai paused and took stock of the number of miniature Cai balloons that had accumulated in the meantime. Nearly half a dozen stood waiting at attention while the second Cai continued to do all the work. “Well that one's clearly not the sharpest tool in the shed, still doing all the work himself. Alright you, that's enough for now, go join your friends.” Cai ruffled the duplicant's hair, sending it scurrying into the rank and file where it, too, stood at attention.
Cai inspected his new crew of seven, plus the one he had sent off to check the warp core made eight total. At first glance, they all seemed visually identical, though some of the newer ones seemed to be easily distracted by the various blinking lights and sensors around the bridge of the Farsight before they snapped out of their reveries and returned to attention several seconds later.
“Ok you lot, I want this ship nice and clean, from front to back. There are cleaning supplies in the closet next to the lavatories. Don't let me down!” Cai gave his crew a stern look and pointed towards the supply closet, sending the miniature bunny balloons scurrying down the main corridor in search of mops and brooms.
To Cai's amusement, the miniature Cais returned – two carrying a mop over their heads, another pushing a vacuum cleaner with a fourth riding atop it while three more struggled to push a heavy bucket of water. Working together, the little bunnies somehow managed to operate the tools with some degree of effectiveness – at least no so disastrously wrong that would require Cai to bunnysit them.
“Alright, I'm going to go take a nap, guys. If anything goes horribly wrong, send someone to wake me up.”
Cai made to leave the bridge but stopped for a moment to think.
“No one touch the ship's controls. Got it?” He said, putting on his best attempt at a serious face.
The seven Cais all stopped what they were doing and nodded furiously.
“I probably shouldn't leave this machine lying around, either. You guys might accidentally break it or something.” Cai hoisted the heavy Crew-in-a-Box machine off the floor and placed it atop a fairly out-of-reach console above his head. “There, that should do it.” Clapping his paws together, Cai slinked off to his quarters and flopped into bed to relax while the ship ran itself for a few more hours, at least until a repair vessel arrived. Exhausted, Cai drifted off to sleep, snoring loudly.
An indeterminate amount of time later, Cai woke with a start to the sound of a klaxon siren blaring throughout the ship. Falling out of bed, Cai struggled to disentangle himself from his sheets as his room was bathed in red emergency lights.
“That's not a good sign.”
Cai swung open his door, knocking aside a mini-Cai who had been desperately hopping up and down for the past several hours in a vain attempt to reach the handle above his head, squishing the tiny bunny between the door and the wall.
“What the heck is going on out here? All you guys had to do was clean the ship!” Cai shouted in a panic.
Dashing towards the bridge, Cai noticed a side room that was ever so slightly on fire.
“How did you manage to light the ship on fire?!” He screamed, tugging at his ears in frustration.
A pair of mini-Cais rushed past him, carrying an extinguisher over their heads. Setting it down with a heavy, metal clang, the two anxiously fumbled about with it in an attempt to figure out how the thing even worked. Managing to free the pin from under the trigger, the first mini-Cai sent a spray of fire-suppressing foam spraying out of the hose-end – right into the other mini-Cai's curious face as he inspected it quizzically. The second mini-Cai rapidly began to creak and swell as its body filled with foam, sending it wobbling backwards helplessly while the first stopped to point and laugh.
“Give me that!” Cai snatched up the extinguisher, the mini-Cai still gripping on to it tightly. “Hey, let go. Let me handle this!” Cai shook the extinguisher until the tiny bunny went flying off and bounced off the wall, landing head-first on the ground, its long ears splaying outwards.
Wasting no time, Cai sprayed the thankfully small fire down to nothing rather quickly, wiping his brow in relief. Pointing at the dazed mini-Cai on the floor, he barked out order. “You. Help your friend and both of you wait here. Don't do anything. Don't go anywhere.”
The mini-Cai nodded as best it could, throwing an upside-down salute from the floor.
Cai spun around to face the main corridor, ready to bolt back to the bridge when he stopped in his tracks as at least half a dozen mini-Cais marched down the hall carrying a large, glowing object across their backs.
“Is- is that a fuel cell?” The color drained from Cai's face. “How did? That was? But the reactor core?” Cai rushed to stand between them and the bridge where they were marching towards. “STOP! Turn right around this instant and put that thing back where you got it!” Cai pointed back towards the rear of the ship.
The mini-Cai's all nodded from underneath the glowing fuel-cell, its green aura contrasting with the red glow of the emergency lights. Performing an about-face, each little bunny spun around and began marching in lock-step back towards the reactor core.
Not wasting a second more, Cai rushed towards the bridge – the central computer would give him a status report on what was going abysmally wrong. The instant he crossed the threshold, Cai's foot went toe-deep into water. The scene before him was one of utter chaos. Everywhere he looked was another mini-Cai – everywhere except the ship's controls, which they all obediently avoided like the plague. In the middle of the room was the cleaning crew, still mopping away despite the entire room being slightly flooded with mop water. The Cais who had been carrying the bucket of water trotted past Cai with an empty bucket, clearly planning to refill it on what he could only guess was their umpteenth trip to and from the utility faucet. In the corner of the room were the Cais with the vacuum, attempting unsuccessfully to troubleshoot their equipment, not realizing that being partially submerged in water wasn't helping them whatsoever. The room briefly lit up with a short flash as one of them successful managed to power on the vacuum long enough to electrocute himself.
Cai slapped his forehead in disbelief.
“How could seven little bunnies cause so much trouble?” He muttered, letting out an exasperated sigh.
One of the mini-Cais pointed to the cause.
“Oh. That's how.”
Nearly dozen mini-Cais had formed a bunny-ladder leading up to the out-of-reach (or so he thought) Crew-in-a-Box replicator where several mini-Cais were trying their best to operate the machine, being unable to move it from its position. One played idly with the scanning hoop, prompting the machine to yield a “SCANNER ERROR”, while another banged away at the top of the machine uselessly with a wrench. Meanwhile, several other mini-Cais ferried miscellaneous bits and pieces of debris and scrap metal up the mini-Cai ladder and into the Matter Processor. Cai didn't even want to begin to think about where they were getting it from. Then, with another Ding, another uninflated mini-Cai popped out and a mini-Cai proudly sitting atop the machine affixed it to the pump and blew it up to its proper size before tying it off and pointing down the hallway towards what Cai could only begin to imagine was his next nightmare.
“Ok, that's it. ALL OF YOU, STOP!” Cai shouted over the racket of banging and clattering and zapping and splashing.
All at once the room fell silent as Cai's shout echoed throughout the ship.
Several dozen pairs of eyes locked on to Cai, awaiting orders obediently.
“Ok, you guys have caused one heck of a mess. I can only begin to imagine what sort of-” Cai was cut off as several, slightly bloated mini-Cais drifted past the observation window at the front of the bridge, tumbling through the vacuum of space. “-what sort of mess you guys have made while I was asleep. I want each and every one of you to go to the guest cabin and wait there.” Cai angrily pointed towards the room. “Don't even think about leaving. Don't even think about doing anything other than waiting patiently. Don't even think about thinking! Just wait. Got it?”
Several mini-Cais caught on to the gravity of the situation, ears drooping sadly as they marched to the guest cabin in single file with the others less capable of understanding who simply smiled dumbly as they squeezed into the now-cramped space.
“One, two, five, tweleve-” Cai took a head count as they passed by, immediately realizing he was well over the initial seven he had left to tend to cleaning. This was going to be a big mess.
Returning to the command console, splashing water as he ran, Cai quickly assessed the damage. The ship was on auxiliary power, never a good sign. The outer airlock was wide open and needed to be manually closed, always a fun task. The main cabin was partially flooded, as if that wasn't already painfully obvious. The reactor core was rapidly approaching critical temperature-
“Well that's a problem.” Cai turned and rushed towards the rear of the ship, stopping only to make sure the room full of mini-Cais wasn't on fire. Again. Satisfied that it wasn't Cai, bolted into the reactor core room.
The small team of Cais he had entrusted with the delicate task of replacing the fuel cell they had unceremoniously ripped from its socket was trying unsuccessfully to wedge it back into that very same socket. In doing so, they somehow managed to crack the outer protective casing, causing small amounts of fuel to leak onto the floor.
“Alright, listen up! Any of you left back here report to the guest quarters on the double! Go in there and wait! Don't do anything else until I get back. Got it?” Cai shouted, pointing back the way he came.
One by one the mini-Cais marched from the rear end of the Farsight, some crawling out from underneath equipment, some leaping off the top of the reactor core, while others popped out of the overhead vents. All in all, nearly twenty more mini-Cais left the back half of the ship, leaving Cai to deal with the reactor core itself.
“Hmmm. This looks serious.”
Cai instinctively hurried to a small cabinet on the wall marked 'IN CASE OF REACTOR EMERGENCY' and hastily reached inside. Pulling out a single roll of duct tape, Cai peeled off a sizable strip and tore it off with his buckteeth before carefully wrapping it around the cracked fuel cell. The red emergency lights switched off as the ship whirred back to life, normal power restored, the siren finally going quiet, prompting a sigh of relief from Cai.
“Alright, time to deal with that air lock.”
Ensuring no mini-Cais were still mucking about, Cai proceeded to the offending air lock. Sure enough, the outer door had been left open and needed manual closing. Suiting up in his personal EVA suit which had thankfully been left untouched, Cai tethered himself to the inside of the Farsight. Reaching for the inner airlock handle, Cai hesitated for a moment. Taking a deep breath and bracing himself with the support handle, Cai wrenched up the manual release on the inner airlock door.
A rush of air billowed out into the vacuum of space as Cai clung to the support handle, inching himself towards the inside of the airlock. Once inside, Cai latched a secondary tether to another support bar and wrenched the inner airlock door shut, a specialized port clamping shut over his primary tether cable to provide an airtight seal while still allowing an internal connection. Inside the suit was nothing but the sound of Cai's own breathing and the clank of his magnetic boots as he shuffled towards the outer airlock door. Cai reached for the handle, ready to heave the door shut when, to his extreme, nearly heart-attack-inducing surprise, he was stopped by a floppy glove slapping against the doorframe.
Nearly jumping out of his suit in shock, Cai was relieved and astounded to see none other than another mini-Cai dressed in a poorly-fitting EVA suit of his own, returning from who knows what sort of excursion to the exterior of the ship, complete with a tool belt and tether cable of its own. Cai extended a hand to help the little bunny back into the air lock and transferred its tether so he could reseal the outer door. A quiet hiss and a green light indicated that pressure had normalized and it was finally safe to return to the ship.
Once inside, Cai unsealed his helmet and helped extract the mini-Cai from its EVA-suit.
“Did you leave the airlock open?” Cai snorted.
The mini-Cai shook its head, no.
“Then what were you doing out there?” Cai asked, exasperated.
The mini-Cai reached down to its tool belt and removed a hammer.
“A hammer? What were you doing outside the ship with a hammer?”
The mini-Cai shook its head and began pantomiming with a series of waves and hops, flailing its arms around wildly.
“You were checking on the external warp thrusters?”
The mini-Cai nodded proudly.
“And you found a hammer?”
The mini-Cai nodded again.
“Wedged inside the thruster?”
Another nod.
“How did it even get there?”
The mini-Cai shrugged.
“Hmm, must have been space debris. No wonder I couldn't figure out what was wrong with the warp drive if the problem was outside the ship. Well, good job, I guess.” Cai reached down and ruffled the tiny bunny's hair. “Hey wait a second, you're not-” Cai paused. “There's no way.”
The mini-Cai nodded and hugged Cai's leg.
“Well, a promise is a promise. Second in command it is. We've got a lot of work to do.” Cai hoisted his new second in command up onto his shoulder. “Well, a lot of work to make other people do.”
Cai calmly returned to the guest quarters, new friend in tow.
For better or worse, he had a crew now.
Meanwhile, in the vast emptiness of space, Chaotic continued to tumble through the void. The raccoon was helplessly overinflated with helium, unable to activate his distress beacon as he hurdled onwards into the unknown. He was only just starting to get a touch lonely when three strange, yellow bunnies collided with his bloated form. The creatures wasted no time, latching onto his suit, hugging and nuzzling him as they all drifted together farther and farther into space.
“Mrmph- can one of you- mmmph- activate my distress beacon?”
They all shook their heads in tandem and resumed showering their new friend with affection.
“Terrible.”
CorgwnShenanigans IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE.
A text dump is included below, but the source file is recommended.
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TEXT DUMP BELOW
**********************
Cai kicked his feet up on the command console and leaned back in the pilot's chair of the Farsight. The rabbit starship captain heaved a long sigh of boredom. He had been drifting through the sector on conventional thrusters for hours ever since his warp drive had suddenly decided that this backwater region of space was the ideal place to throw in the towel and not, say, somewhere with any sort of repair facilities. He'd even tried hailing a scrap vessel in the area, but only got static on the other end – so much for that plan. With nothing better to do, Cai idly thumbed through short-range signals to see if there was anything interesting around while he waited for a repair vessel to answer his maintenance request.
“Well, looks like there's not much here to see. Not even a backwater diner or anything.” Cai bemoaned to no one in particular, staring tiredly through the translucent holoscreen that hovered between him and the ceiling he was staring towards as he leaned back in his chair.
The only remotely interesting signal, which is to say just about the only signal around, was for some bizarre alien novelty warehouse. With nothing better to do, Cai brought up a purchase catalog, figuring that he might as well entertain himself with something.
Grozznorp's Alternative Life Solutions
“Yesterday's Problems Fixed with Tomorrow's Technology”
(Page Auto-Translated from Alpha Centaurian Glyphs)
“Why do aliens always have to have such silly names.” Cai mused aloud. “Well, I mean, I guess I'm the alien? Still, who names their kid 'Grozznorp'?”
The products on display were, needless to say, definitely geared to a different clientele – what with tentacle brushes, slime pumps, and bizarre tools with extensions that Cai wasn't entirely certain weren't intended for maiming and torturing. Interspersed with the downright strange products however, were the outright unbelievable. One-way time machines (yeah right), matter decompilers (sounds dangerous), DiY antimatter kits (sounds even more dangerous), but most interesting of all was the “Crew-in-a-box” self replicator.
Never Be Lonely Again!
An Entire Ship's Crew in Three Easy Steps!
Free Same-Day Delivery!
“Well this seems like an ethical gray area worth exploring.” Cai chuckled. He was getting just a touch lonely, so maybe this wouldn't a complete and total waste of time and money. Plus, free delivery, right?
Throwing caution to the wind, Cai placed an order, wired over the surprisingly cheap cost in galactic credits, and resumed doing nothing special in particular while he waited for the package to arrive.
To Cai's surprise, a delivery drone arrived with the package in little under thirty minutes – dropping off a large, wooden crate with all manner of unreadable warning labels plastered over every surface. Dragging it to the bridge and using a screwdriver to wrench a side panel off, Cai unboxed the strange device and its user guide, conveniently printed in several languages, including Galactic Standard.
Crew-in-a-Box
Quick Start User Guide
Step 1 – Insert batteries (not included) in designated slot.
Step 2 – Initiate scanning mode by pressing Red Button.
Step 3 – Perform a Full-Body Scan (see Diagram 3). Assistance may be needed.
Step 4 – Feed waste material* into Matter Processor.
Step 5 – Select number of desired Crewmates**
Step 6 – Attach new Crewmates to Atmosphere Pump and tie off input spout (see Diagrams 7-10).
*Complications may occur if living organic matter is used.
**Crewmate efficiency may decrease if overused. Consider purchasing a second Crew-in-a-Box for crews larger than 10.
WARNING: Do not leave Crew-in-a-Box unit unattended around Crewmates.
“Seems simple enough.” Cai muttered to himself, scratching his head, wondering how this thing even worked.
Fetching a pair of standard energy cells from storage, Cai slotted them into the large device which looked not entirely unlike an ordinary trash can, save for the non-removable lid and various input and output slots.
“So I just step through this hoop thing?” Cai lifted the attached scanning device, an expandable plastic ring connected via a long cable. The inner circumference of the scanner was lined with all manner of strange lights and sensors.
Cai couldn't help but feel an involuntary chill run up and down his spine as he carefully lifted the scanner from his feet up and over his head past his long ears, switching hands halfway through as instructed by the diagram. A small terminal on the machine indicated a successful SCAN COMPLETE, to Cai's pleasant surprise, fearing that the device might somehow be incompatible with his species.
“Ok, now I just need some waste matter to shove in this thing.” He mumbled, scratching his chin while scanning the bridge for something he could afford to throw out.
Cai's eyes settled on the box the device came in. Surely the wooden planks and assorted packing materials would suffice, right? Cai shrugged stuffed a wad of packing peanuts into the “Matter Processor”. The entire machine began to shudder and groan as the pile of styrofoam disappeared little by little. Once it was entirely consumed, the device heaved and sputtered, then fell silent.
Ding
A small flap opened on the side of the machine and a tiny lump of rubber flopped out onto the floor unceremoniously. Cai cautiously picked it up and inspected it thoroughly. As far as he could tell, it appeared to be some sort of balloon. It was soft, pliable, a tad squeaky – yep, this was definitely a balloon. He honestly wondered if he'd managed to purchase a machine that simply spat out lifeless decoys for some inexplicable purpose, but decided to hook the balloon up to the “Atmosphere Pump” just to see what would happen.
Hisssssss
The tiny balloon began to expand and take shape with a hollow whoosh as air rushed in. In a matter of seconds, the pump automatically cut off and Cai pulled the balloon free from the nozzle, tying it off as instructed. To his surprise, it was a relatively accurate simulacrum of himself in balloon form at about one-half scale. Even more surprisingly, the miniature Cai balloon sprang to life and gave a smile and salute, standing at attention with a soft squirk as it's limbs flexed and bent.
“Well hey there, little guy!” Cai greeted his tiny replica cheerily, patting it on the head gently. “Can you understand me?”
The little bunny nodded eagerly.
“Can you talk?” Cai asked.
This time, the mini-Cai shook its head, still smiling.
“Hmmm.” Cai scratched his chin. “How about reading? Can you read?”
The bunny nodded again.
“Well then, why don't you read this manual.” Cai handed his smaller clone the user guide. “Think you can make me a few more crewmates using that box over there?”
Awkwardly flipping through the pages with its small, nubby balloon mitts, the mini-Cai scanned over the papers it had been given and looked over to the box, then back at Cai, nodding energetically.
“Alrighty, show me what you can do!”
Cai cheered his duplicant on as the tiny balloon dismantled one of the wooden crate panels with frightening efficiency and fed one of the planks into the slot in the machine which began grinding through it as if it were a wood chipper.
“Well I'll be, you really do work. Go figure.” Cai flopped back into his captain's chair and swiveled it to face the action.
Quite impressively, the miniature Cai not only managed to produce a second duplicant, but also managed to inflate it and instruct it on how to produce a third. No longer needing to do the work it had been assigned, having delegated it to another mini-Cai, the first mini-Cai proudly scurried up to Cai and hopped into his lap, making itself rather comfy in his lap.
“Awww, aren't you cute? And smart too. Making the others do all the work for you. Just like me, huh?”
The mini-Cai beamed from ear to ear and snuggled up to Cai.
Cai thought for a moment, scratching his chin. “Well, if you're that smart, hmmm. Do you think you can figure out what's wrong with the ship's warp drive?”
The mini-Cai pause to think for a moment, scratching its chin with a tiny squeak before nodding confidently.
“If you can do that, I'll make you second in command. How does that sound?” Cai asked the little bunny sitting in his lap.
The miniature Cai balloon nodded furiously and hopped off his lap, scurrying down the ship's corridor towards the warp drive.
“This can't possibly go wrong.” Cai laughed aloud. “I mean, they're just little balloons, what's the worst they can do?” Cai paused and took stock of the number of miniature Cai balloons that had accumulated in the meantime. Nearly half a dozen stood waiting at attention while the second Cai continued to do all the work. “Well that one's clearly not the sharpest tool in the shed, still doing all the work himself. Alright you, that's enough for now, go join your friends.” Cai ruffled the duplicant's hair, sending it scurrying into the rank and file where it, too, stood at attention.
Cai inspected his new crew of seven, plus the one he had sent off to check the warp core made eight total. At first glance, they all seemed visually identical, though some of the newer ones seemed to be easily distracted by the various blinking lights and sensors around the bridge of the Farsight before they snapped out of their reveries and returned to attention several seconds later.
“Ok you lot, I want this ship nice and clean, from front to back. There are cleaning supplies in the closet next to the lavatories. Don't let me down!” Cai gave his crew a stern look and pointed towards the supply closet, sending the miniature bunny balloons scurrying down the main corridor in search of mops and brooms.
To Cai's amusement, the miniature Cais returned – two carrying a mop over their heads, another pushing a vacuum cleaner with a fourth riding atop it while three more struggled to push a heavy bucket of water. Working together, the little bunnies somehow managed to operate the tools with some degree of effectiveness – at least no so disastrously wrong that would require Cai to bunnysit them.
“Alright, I'm going to go take a nap, guys. If anything goes horribly wrong, send someone to wake me up.”
Cai made to leave the bridge but stopped for a moment to think.
“No one touch the ship's controls. Got it?” He said, putting on his best attempt at a serious face.
The seven Cais all stopped what they were doing and nodded furiously.
“I probably shouldn't leave this machine lying around, either. You guys might accidentally break it or something.” Cai hoisted the heavy Crew-in-a-Box machine off the floor and placed it atop a fairly out-of-reach console above his head. “There, that should do it.” Clapping his paws together, Cai slinked off to his quarters and flopped into bed to relax while the ship ran itself for a few more hours, at least until a repair vessel arrived. Exhausted, Cai drifted off to sleep, snoring loudly.
An indeterminate amount of time later, Cai woke with a start to the sound of a klaxon siren blaring throughout the ship. Falling out of bed, Cai struggled to disentangle himself from his sheets as his room was bathed in red emergency lights.
“That's not a good sign.”
Cai swung open his door, knocking aside a mini-Cai who had been desperately hopping up and down for the past several hours in a vain attempt to reach the handle above his head, squishing the tiny bunny between the door and the wall.
“What the heck is going on out here? All you guys had to do was clean the ship!” Cai shouted in a panic.
Dashing towards the bridge, Cai noticed a side room that was ever so slightly on fire.
“How did you manage to light the ship on fire?!” He screamed, tugging at his ears in frustration.
A pair of mini-Cais rushed past him, carrying an extinguisher over their heads. Setting it down with a heavy, metal clang, the two anxiously fumbled about with it in an attempt to figure out how the thing even worked. Managing to free the pin from under the trigger, the first mini-Cai sent a spray of fire-suppressing foam spraying out of the hose-end – right into the other mini-Cai's curious face as he inspected it quizzically. The second mini-Cai rapidly began to creak and swell as its body filled with foam, sending it wobbling backwards helplessly while the first stopped to point and laugh.
“Give me that!” Cai snatched up the extinguisher, the mini-Cai still gripping on to it tightly. “Hey, let go. Let me handle this!” Cai shook the extinguisher until the tiny bunny went flying off and bounced off the wall, landing head-first on the ground, its long ears splaying outwards.
Wasting no time, Cai sprayed the thankfully small fire down to nothing rather quickly, wiping his brow in relief. Pointing at the dazed mini-Cai on the floor, he barked out order. “You. Help your friend and both of you wait here. Don't do anything. Don't go anywhere.”
The mini-Cai nodded as best it could, throwing an upside-down salute from the floor.
Cai spun around to face the main corridor, ready to bolt back to the bridge when he stopped in his tracks as at least half a dozen mini-Cais marched down the hall carrying a large, glowing object across their backs.
“Is- is that a fuel cell?” The color drained from Cai's face. “How did? That was? But the reactor core?” Cai rushed to stand between them and the bridge where they were marching towards. “STOP! Turn right around this instant and put that thing back where you got it!” Cai pointed back towards the rear of the ship.
The mini-Cai's all nodded from underneath the glowing fuel-cell, its green aura contrasting with the red glow of the emergency lights. Performing an about-face, each little bunny spun around and began marching in lock-step back towards the reactor core.
Not wasting a second more, Cai rushed towards the bridge – the central computer would give him a status report on what was going abysmally wrong. The instant he crossed the threshold, Cai's foot went toe-deep into water. The scene before him was one of utter chaos. Everywhere he looked was another mini-Cai – everywhere except the ship's controls, which they all obediently avoided like the plague. In the middle of the room was the cleaning crew, still mopping away despite the entire room being slightly flooded with mop water. The Cais who had been carrying the bucket of water trotted past Cai with an empty bucket, clearly planning to refill it on what he could only guess was their umpteenth trip to and from the utility faucet. In the corner of the room were the Cais with the vacuum, attempting unsuccessfully to troubleshoot their equipment, not realizing that being partially submerged in water wasn't helping them whatsoever. The room briefly lit up with a short flash as one of them successful managed to power on the vacuum long enough to electrocute himself.
Cai slapped his forehead in disbelief.
“How could seven little bunnies cause so much trouble?” He muttered, letting out an exasperated sigh.
One of the mini-Cais pointed to the cause.
“Oh. That's how.”
Nearly dozen mini-Cais had formed a bunny-ladder leading up to the out-of-reach (or so he thought) Crew-in-a-Box replicator where several mini-Cais were trying their best to operate the machine, being unable to move it from its position. One played idly with the scanning hoop, prompting the machine to yield a “SCANNER ERROR”, while another banged away at the top of the machine uselessly with a wrench. Meanwhile, several other mini-Cais ferried miscellaneous bits and pieces of debris and scrap metal up the mini-Cai ladder and into the Matter Processor. Cai didn't even want to begin to think about where they were getting it from. Then, with another Ding, another uninflated mini-Cai popped out and a mini-Cai proudly sitting atop the machine affixed it to the pump and blew it up to its proper size before tying it off and pointing down the hallway towards what Cai could only begin to imagine was his next nightmare.
“Ok, that's it. ALL OF YOU, STOP!” Cai shouted over the racket of banging and clattering and zapping and splashing.
All at once the room fell silent as Cai's shout echoed throughout the ship.
Several dozen pairs of eyes locked on to Cai, awaiting orders obediently.
“Ok, you guys have caused one heck of a mess. I can only begin to imagine what sort of-” Cai was cut off as several, slightly bloated mini-Cais drifted past the observation window at the front of the bridge, tumbling through the vacuum of space. “-what sort of mess you guys have made while I was asleep. I want each and every one of you to go to the guest cabin and wait there.” Cai angrily pointed towards the room. “Don't even think about leaving. Don't even think about doing anything other than waiting patiently. Don't even think about thinking! Just wait. Got it?”
Several mini-Cais caught on to the gravity of the situation, ears drooping sadly as they marched to the guest cabin in single file with the others less capable of understanding who simply smiled dumbly as they squeezed into the now-cramped space.
“One, two, five, tweleve-” Cai took a head count as they passed by, immediately realizing he was well over the initial seven he had left to tend to cleaning. This was going to be a big mess.
Returning to the command console, splashing water as he ran, Cai quickly assessed the damage. The ship was on auxiliary power, never a good sign. The outer airlock was wide open and needed to be manually closed, always a fun task. The main cabin was partially flooded, as if that wasn't already painfully obvious. The reactor core was rapidly approaching critical temperature-
“Well that's a problem.” Cai turned and rushed towards the rear of the ship, stopping only to make sure the room full of mini-Cais wasn't on fire. Again. Satisfied that it wasn't Cai, bolted into the reactor core room.
The small team of Cais he had entrusted with the delicate task of replacing the fuel cell they had unceremoniously ripped from its socket was trying unsuccessfully to wedge it back into that very same socket. In doing so, they somehow managed to crack the outer protective casing, causing small amounts of fuel to leak onto the floor.
“Alright, listen up! Any of you left back here report to the guest quarters on the double! Go in there and wait! Don't do anything else until I get back. Got it?” Cai shouted, pointing back the way he came.
One by one the mini-Cais marched from the rear end of the Farsight, some crawling out from underneath equipment, some leaping off the top of the reactor core, while others popped out of the overhead vents. All in all, nearly twenty more mini-Cais left the back half of the ship, leaving Cai to deal with the reactor core itself.
“Hmmm. This looks serious.”
Cai instinctively hurried to a small cabinet on the wall marked 'IN CASE OF REACTOR EMERGENCY' and hastily reached inside. Pulling out a single roll of duct tape, Cai peeled off a sizable strip and tore it off with his buckteeth before carefully wrapping it around the cracked fuel cell. The red emergency lights switched off as the ship whirred back to life, normal power restored, the siren finally going quiet, prompting a sigh of relief from Cai.
“Alright, time to deal with that air lock.”
Ensuring no mini-Cais were still mucking about, Cai proceeded to the offending air lock. Sure enough, the outer door had been left open and needed manual closing. Suiting up in his personal EVA suit which had thankfully been left untouched, Cai tethered himself to the inside of the Farsight. Reaching for the inner airlock handle, Cai hesitated for a moment. Taking a deep breath and bracing himself with the support handle, Cai wrenched up the manual release on the inner airlock door.
A rush of air billowed out into the vacuum of space as Cai clung to the support handle, inching himself towards the inside of the airlock. Once inside, Cai latched a secondary tether to another support bar and wrenched the inner airlock door shut, a specialized port clamping shut over his primary tether cable to provide an airtight seal while still allowing an internal connection. Inside the suit was nothing but the sound of Cai's own breathing and the clank of his magnetic boots as he shuffled towards the outer airlock door. Cai reached for the handle, ready to heave the door shut when, to his extreme, nearly heart-attack-inducing surprise, he was stopped by a floppy glove slapping against the doorframe.
Nearly jumping out of his suit in shock, Cai was relieved and astounded to see none other than another mini-Cai dressed in a poorly-fitting EVA suit of his own, returning from who knows what sort of excursion to the exterior of the ship, complete with a tool belt and tether cable of its own. Cai extended a hand to help the little bunny back into the air lock and transferred its tether so he could reseal the outer door. A quiet hiss and a green light indicated that pressure had normalized and it was finally safe to return to the ship.
Once inside, Cai unsealed his helmet and helped extract the mini-Cai from its EVA-suit.
“Did you leave the airlock open?” Cai snorted.
The mini-Cai shook its head, no.
“Then what were you doing out there?” Cai asked, exasperated.
The mini-Cai reached down to its tool belt and removed a hammer.
“A hammer? What were you doing outside the ship with a hammer?”
The mini-Cai shook its head and began pantomiming with a series of waves and hops, flailing its arms around wildly.
“You were checking on the external warp thrusters?”
The mini-Cai nodded proudly.
“And you found a hammer?”
The mini-Cai nodded again.
“Wedged inside the thruster?”
Another nod.
“How did it even get there?”
The mini-Cai shrugged.
“Hmm, must have been space debris. No wonder I couldn't figure out what was wrong with the warp drive if the problem was outside the ship. Well, good job, I guess.” Cai reached down and ruffled the tiny bunny's hair. “Hey wait a second, you're not-” Cai paused. “There's no way.”
The mini-Cai nodded and hugged Cai's leg.
“Well, a promise is a promise. Second in command it is. We've got a lot of work to do.” Cai hoisted his new second in command up onto his shoulder. “Well, a lot of work to make other people do.”
Cai calmly returned to the guest quarters, new friend in tow.
For better or worse, he had a crew now.
Meanwhile, in the vast emptiness of space, Chaotic continued to tumble through the void. The raccoon was helplessly overinflated with helium, unable to activate his distress beacon as he hurdled onwards into the unknown. He was only just starting to get a touch lonely when three strange, yellow bunnies collided with his bloated form. The creatures wasted no time, latching onto his suit, hugging and nuzzling him as they all drifted together farther and farther into space.
“Mrmph- can one of you- mmmph- activate my distress beacon?”
They all shook their heads in tandem and resumed showering their new friend with affection.
“Terrible.”
Category Story / General Furry Art
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 117.6 kB
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