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I decided to write on how Shaun and Johhny, my Coyote and Fox characters who are boyfriends, met and at first became friends. They met in an Airport terminal in Detroit, both heading for the same destination: Ashville, Vermont and the Ashville Vermont University.
This is the first time I've tried doing a piece of writing for something other than English. Might I ask how I did?
This is the first time I've tried doing a piece of writing for something other than English. Might I ask how I did?
Category Story / General Furry Art
Species Canine (Other)
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 3.1 kB
*ahem*
I would want you to know that I’m a critic from another website known as FF and I would gladly give out my own critic to people but it depends on my mood and right now, my mood is right to give an ‘okay’ review only. Note that I’m not a pro in this but I just say what I can find that you need to improve.
As you have gotten from one of your people, yes, it’s corny. Like… it’s so…. Normal and nothing special about it. It did not hit me with a bang and usually, that’s what I’m looking for. I know when a bang is a bang is in a story because I’ve read so many stories out there that gave me a bang, even for starters. I’m also noting that you’re beginning to write, since that’s what you said in your description.
The usage of words is a little weird. Look at this sentence that you wrote here: It’s was bloody 11AM now… Note on the ‘it’s’. If you separate that word, it would become It is. So.. does it sound nice with ‘It is was bloody 11AM…’
I don’t think so… right? So… maybe re-read certain parts again.
Another thing that I want to stress out if paragraph splitting. You HAVE to separate the dialogues from the scene sequence. EG:
“Gah! Oh dear, I’m sorry. I didn’t see where I was going. I didn’t mean to walk right into you” Johnny said with a bit of a blush, embarrassed that he just walked right into someone. “No problems. I’m guessing you’re really tired, aren’t you? Well, here’s some advice, get some sleep somewhere if you can.” As soon as that was done, he walked off into the distance, melting into the crowd of passengers. Johnny thought ‘what a nice guy, not killing me and giving me some advice, too. Maybe I should listen to him and find some sleep’.
Or does it look better with.
“Gah! Oh dear, I’m sorry. I didn’t see where I was going. I didn’t mean to walk right into you” Johnny said with a bit of a blush, embarrassed that he just walked right into someone.
“No problems. I’m guessing you’re really tired, aren’t you? Well, here’s some advice, get some sleep somewhere if you can.” As soon as that was done, he walked off into the distance, melting into the crowd of passengers.
Johnny thought ‘what a nice guy, not killing me and giving me some advice, too. Maybe I should listen to him and find some sleep’.
See? It’s easier (especially on the eyes). I’m not so sure if it’s going to show if it’s nice or not but you have to make them separate; noting as well that you have slight issues with punctuation after a dialogue. EG:
“Gah! Oh dear, I’m sorry. I didn’t see where I was going. I didn’t mean to walk right into you”
Look at the end of the dialogue; you need to either have a period there or comma. You must end it with punctuation or it will look as if it’s hanging and that is not good. I’ve learned the hard way with this punctuation.
Yyyeeaah… I think I just gave a two page review on this one but hey, you did want to know how you did. You did just… okay okay only. Not that bad compared with some that I know off; much better than me when I first started. XD.
No, seriously, I was really bad when I first started writing but I improved a whole lot after getting some tips and mentoring from my beta reader. After that, it was smooth sailing. I still have problems but not that extensive prior to this. I just have really bad change of statement from past tense to present tense and from present to past.. it’s really bad.
Anyways, I do hope that this… doesn’t bring your hope down. I’m only a critic… *cries*
I would want you to know that I’m a critic from another website known as FF and I would gladly give out my own critic to people but it depends on my mood and right now, my mood is right to give an ‘okay’ review only. Note that I’m not a pro in this but I just say what I can find that you need to improve.
As you have gotten from one of your people, yes, it’s corny. Like… it’s so…. Normal and nothing special about it. It did not hit me with a bang and usually, that’s what I’m looking for. I know when a bang is a bang is in a story because I’ve read so many stories out there that gave me a bang, even for starters. I’m also noting that you’re beginning to write, since that’s what you said in your description.
The usage of words is a little weird. Look at this sentence that you wrote here: It’s was bloody 11AM now… Note on the ‘it’s’. If you separate that word, it would become It is. So.. does it sound nice with ‘It is was bloody 11AM…’
I don’t think so… right? So… maybe re-read certain parts again.
Another thing that I want to stress out if paragraph splitting. You HAVE to separate the dialogues from the scene sequence. EG:
“Gah! Oh dear, I’m sorry. I didn’t see where I was going. I didn’t mean to walk right into you” Johnny said with a bit of a blush, embarrassed that he just walked right into someone. “No problems. I’m guessing you’re really tired, aren’t you? Well, here’s some advice, get some sleep somewhere if you can.” As soon as that was done, he walked off into the distance, melting into the crowd of passengers. Johnny thought ‘what a nice guy, not killing me and giving me some advice, too. Maybe I should listen to him and find some sleep’.
Or does it look better with.
“Gah! Oh dear, I’m sorry. I didn’t see where I was going. I didn’t mean to walk right into you” Johnny said with a bit of a blush, embarrassed that he just walked right into someone.
“No problems. I’m guessing you’re really tired, aren’t you? Well, here’s some advice, get some sleep somewhere if you can.” As soon as that was done, he walked off into the distance, melting into the crowd of passengers.
Johnny thought ‘what a nice guy, not killing me and giving me some advice, too. Maybe I should listen to him and find some sleep’.
See? It’s easier (especially on the eyes). I’m not so sure if it’s going to show if it’s nice or not but you have to make them separate; noting as well that you have slight issues with punctuation after a dialogue. EG:
“Gah! Oh dear, I’m sorry. I didn’t see where I was going. I didn’t mean to walk right into you”
Look at the end of the dialogue; you need to either have a period there or comma. You must end it with punctuation or it will look as if it’s hanging and that is not good. I’ve learned the hard way with this punctuation.
Yyyeeaah… I think I just gave a two page review on this one but hey, you did want to know how you did. You did just… okay okay only. Not that bad compared with some that I know off; much better than me when I first started. XD.
No, seriously, I was really bad when I first started writing but I improved a whole lot after getting some tips and mentoring from my beta reader. After that, it was smooth sailing. I still have problems but not that extensive prior to this. I just have really bad change of statement from past tense to present tense and from present to past.. it’s really bad.
Anyways, I do hope that this… doesn’t bring your hope down. I’m only a critic… *cries*
Bloody hell, thatwas more stringent on my punctuation than my Advanced English teacher! Seriously, are you one of those merciless reviewers?
Alright,I was typing this quickly. And ok, I know this kinda plothas been overused. I'll take your advice, and review the punctuation closer next time
I don't take you're criticism as an insult, but I take it as a challange!
Alright,I was typing this quickly. And ok, I know this kinda plothas been overused. I'll take your advice, and review the punctuation closer next time
I don't take you're criticism as an insult, but I take it as a challange!
Yep, I'm one of those merciless reviewers out there. I'm known on FF last year for giving out really up to their heads review there but after my assignments came in, I stopped completely. Some have even PMed me to please please review their stories... I honestly have to decline it down. I can't read much, so... it's just me being EXTREMELY free that I was able to give a thorougly review.
I've not learned this from the start you know, I started off really bad and my beta reader gave me a whole lot of pointers here and there. I was really noob in writing but after writing a whole lot, you get used to it. Also, my beta reader has a higher level than degree in English literature and also, her work actually involves beta reading journal articles.. So.. yeah, I've been trained by some pros, if you want to say it that way.
I've not learned this from the start you know, I started off really bad and my beta reader gave me a whole lot of pointers here and there. I was really noob in writing but after writing a whole lot, you get used to it. Also, my beta reader has a higher level than degree in English literature and also, her work actually involves beta reading journal articles.. So.. yeah, I've been trained by some pros, if you want to say it that way.
I did not read twilight at all to be honest. My beta reader told me that the twilight is such a corny story and extremely gary/mary stu that it's really a sad sad story.
I try to avoid Gary/Mary Stu as much as possible. I've seen so many of these characters around on FF. It's bad. So... I can't really give out a thoroughly review on the book since I did not read it.
I try to avoid Gary/Mary Stu as much as possible. I've seen so many of these characters around on FF. It's bad. So... I can't really give out a thoroughly review on the book since I did not read it.
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