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Story / General Furry Art
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Ah, yes, the beginning.
I just adore Finley, don't you. :o) I think the boy has ingested too much paint in his time, though.
© S. Henson 2010
I just adore Finley, don't you. :o) I think the boy has ingested too much paint in his time, though.
© S. Henson 2010
Category Story / General Furry Art
Species Dog (Other)
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 856.3 kB
Overall I think it's a solid beginning to a story. I like some of the descriptions when it comes to the settings and what not. I also think that you did a nice job describing the physicality of Finley. A few areas where I might make suggestions:
I'd like to know what Finley looks like straight off. While I get bits and pieces of him from page 4 on if I recall, I found myself wondering what this guy who seems to be as nervous as Woody Allen looks like.
You may wish to tighten up some of your sentences. For example, if we know a bill is past due we can assume it hasn't been paid. Another possibility is knowing about say a monger's work schedule. If the monger isn't going to appear as a primary character I don't necessarily need to know they're poor and work long hours. In fact it could be argued that by calling them mongers the image comes to mind.
Finally, try not to mix descriptions so much with some of the characters. We have a gaggle of know it all rich women who really know nothing. One is a shih tzu, the other a pug but the way they are described honestly, the image of geese is easier to see than a shih tzu and a pug. You might even be able to get away with chickens considering how these two women cluck and carry on.
Anyway those are my ideas and such. I hope that you don't take offense to them.
I'd like to know what Finley looks like straight off. While I get bits and pieces of him from page 4 on if I recall, I found myself wondering what this guy who seems to be as nervous as Woody Allen looks like.
You may wish to tighten up some of your sentences. For example, if we know a bill is past due we can assume it hasn't been paid. Another possibility is knowing about say a monger's work schedule. If the monger isn't going to appear as a primary character I don't necessarily need to know they're poor and work long hours. In fact it could be argued that by calling them mongers the image comes to mind.
Finally, try not to mix descriptions so much with some of the characters. We have a gaggle of know it all rich women who really know nothing. One is a shih tzu, the other a pug but the way they are described honestly, the image of geese is easier to see than a shih tzu and a pug. You might even be able to get away with chickens considering how these two women cluck and carry on.
Anyway those are my ideas and such. I hope that you don't take offense to them.
Okay, I could definitely revise that a bit and be more descriptive about Finley's character in the beginning! <3 Thank you for that suggestive! LOL And yeah, he is super nervous. :)
Yeah, I have a huge problem with redundancy. XD That is usually what my editors gripe about the most. :)
Thank you so much for such wonderful feedback!
Yeah, I have a huge problem with redundancy. XD That is usually what my editors gripe about the most. :)
Thank you so much for such wonderful feedback!
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