[ 🎨 ] :  vasuki

Eggs. Am I right?


Eggs? In my house? It's more common that you might think and being apathetic may lead to disaster. Many people believe that eggs are the leading cause of a number of today's common ailments. Common side effects of exposure to eggs are said to include: euphoria, confusion, obedience, chills, dry mouth, dizziness, loss of memory, loss of appetite, uncontrollable compliance, confusion, drowsiness, swelling, itchiness, corruption, relaxation, numbness, spontaneous combustion, paranoia, loss of innocence, perceiving inanimate eggs as alive, fledgling syndrome, candle wax syndrome, fetal fnord complex, confusion, sensory deprivation, and hallucinations.

Did you know that eggs were used as weapons used in the first world war to save on production of grenades? This is where the egregious practice of egging houses came from. Egg use has only become more common since then. Today, it is estimated that 1 in 3 households has an infestation of eggs, usually in the refrigerator. Beyond that, eggs are commonly used in baking, moisturizing, gardening, propaganda, discipline, finance, parapsychology, morsel delivery, and landscape decoration.

Many scientists believe that eggs' harmful effects originate from strong magnetic fields placed on them by the heathen gods when they first created the matrix. These fields may cause misalignment of a person's headspace and headtime, which some scientists believe are part of the same headspace-time continuum. Albert Einstein confirmed the existence of these fields in 1953, but promptly forgot doing so after being exposed to a plate of eggs benedict, containing more than fifteen thousand microovums. The fields eggs generate are said to warp the fabric of reality around them and do so more strongly in clusters than when alone. Many scientists estimate that if a cluster of more than many eggs were ever in one location, their combined mass would instantly ignite and return the old one from its slumber, may xe rest in peace. For these reasons, bylaws insist that all egg clusters must be dealt with promptly to avoid them growing out of control.

Make no mistake. While some level of processing can calm their side effects, in their natural state, eggs are extremely harmful. Should you encounter an egg or, heaven help you, an egg infestation in your home, do not approach. Sudden movements and a lack of strobe lighting will only agitate them. Instead, play rave music to confuse them and back away slowly. It is said that on rare occasions, eggs will venture out into the wider world unprovoked and colonize public spaces. Multicolored, edible-containing eggs are the most dangerous and you should never approach them!!!!! When you are safe, call your local weasel to come in to collect the infestation. Only weasels are able to tolerate the harsh magnetic fields eggs produce. Do not contact your local ferret. They cannot be trusted and are suspected to be hoarding eggs in some underground complex somewhere for their own nefarious purposes. Remember, egg menace to society. Give to weasel instead!!!!!

The Old Woozle Egg Cult paid for the content of this ad.