that was intoresting. with a bit of holy shit in it namely the uber spell.

zoinks someone read it! woot thanks for the reply

well ya is it realy such a big suprise? I was ther when you put it up.(then 2 days till I read it then till today to coment.)>>

Alright. I'm going to read this, and point out your mistakes. Because that will teach you. Alternatively, you can send them to me beforehand so I can edit them, but what the hell.

First thing I noticed: "What are you doing?" I asked her. "Oh, I’m looking for breakfast. You can’t run around in these woods with an empty stomach." It's two different people talking, right? Should be two different paragraphs. You're missing a set of quotation marks. Make that two. Then, when did you switch from third to first? If you're in the story, you should make it clear that you're actually in the story, as opposed to starting watching someone else. Second thing; the text blocks. This is really, really hard to read. Paragraphs are useful. Extraordinarily so. The way you tell the fight sequence makes me think you also play D&D. Which is awesome. You, like everyone else in the world of writing it appears, have difficulty with the commas. Especially the fact that they come after a word that's the end of a quotation.

If you would like, you can send the files to me so I could fix them. Or not. I can give you my email if you like, although it is entirely up to you.

yea i wrote this story a couple of years ago. even though i have dramatically improved i felt that changing this to much was like a crime or something. i do thank you for the help though :)