It is heartwarming to see you share your talent again, Skye. Some of my last stories and art were of Lizzy before my eyesight went bye-bye.

Looking for the light that seems to eternally seem like the proverbial 'carrot on a stick' is so stressful and depressing at the same time.

Our discussions have made me realize how I was basked in 'artificial light' for way too long. Light that, despite being well-intentioned, 'burned out' and left me looking for 'light bulbs' instead of finding 'natural light'. The irony is how, when I finally went 100% blind, I finally started to find myself starting to see how 'changing light bulbs' was doing more harm than good.

The light is there, within reach, but very hard to get to when it feels like so many shadows continually appear to slow you down with unpleasant actions that slow your progress.

I've said it one too many times, but I do feel like our discussions have helped me at a very personal level better analyze my past, how it crafted my present, and how I, hopefully, will be able to craft a better future.

It is a horrible feeling, especially when it happens over and over again. With Lizzie, the death of her father at such a young age has left her with a unique sense of loss, especially as it was primarily her father who took care of her. Her mother loves her dearly, but between the grief she too suffers due to the loss of her husband, and her stressful job, she is unable to provide the care and support that Lizzie so desperately needs. Lizzie adores her mother, but often feels rejected as her attempts at reaching out fail. She understands to some extent that her mommy is sad, and wants to make it better, to help, as well as to be helped, but she can't seem to get through to her. It makes her feel unloved, unwanted, and hopeless. Her mother delves deeper into work and drinking as a way to escape and avoid really addressing the situation, even though this hurts both of them. Both of them are victims of things beyond their control, but as the adult, her mother still bears the responsibility and means to improve the situation for both of them. There is still time to make things right, but it won't last forever.
Much of this draws parallels to my own life, both past and present, though the latter involves different dynamics than mother and child and scenarios I seem to find myself in repeatedly. Sometimes the despair becomes too significant to properly process and I suppose that despair is motivating to process it through art.

People are raised in such a way to avoid conflict and seem to believe that the best way to handle any situation in which conflict arises is to either ignore it or shut down the conversation while antagonizing the person who has the "nerve" to even attempt to have a productive conversation when they have been hurt. While I have always been taught to try to work things out before the situation escalates, I often find people lashing out at me for merely trying to begin a conversation. While keeping quiet can and does cause harm, I often wish I could feel comfortable in doing so, as I would be more well-liked if I wasn't seen as "causing conflict". I don't believe there is an easy solution to either of our predicaments in this regard, as it seems that, no matter how hard one tries to communicate properly and mitigate suffering, people will find ways to make you into the "bad guy" no matter what.

Too true. :(

Today, thanks to all the building I did upon all our discussions over the past month, I was finally able to bring something concrete to my tele-therapy session. (COVID-19 stinks for how it keeps me away from that soothing environment of the therapist's office. It is so much easier to center in a controlled environment that has all the resources to 'soothe'.)

So, with this picture you shared being the proper 'trigger', I learned how my life was 'Artificial Light'. When something bad happened, I was directed to another 'Artificial Light' and told to focus on it instead of being given much chance to see 'Natural Light' beyond knowing it was out there but, largely thanks to my father, not for me.

When I graduated college the first time, a number of these 'bulbs' broke and my dad replaced them by forcing me into my Masters Degree. However, again, it was not light coming from me. So, again, the bulb broke and I kept struggling to find 'replacements' until, truly, about sometime last year. :(

I hope that made sense. My therapist thought it was pretty deep and I shared how your persistence for me to actually 'understand' was what helped me to see the real message that caused my follies over what I kept missing.

I know you do not ever intend to hurt anyone's feelings. I have known this since we met and made the promise I did to not ever commit suicide no matter what happened. This is one promise I am glad I could follow through with as, when I get a new therapist, I have to admit to them how many times I came very close to ending my life since 2007.

What I want to do is try to help people find 'natural light' by developing 'self-acceptance' and 'self-validation'. I sought validation from the outside for far too long and, as you noticed more than I did, this was only making me worse-and-worse.

Once this company releases me, I am eager to spend time to reflect on how good friends, like you, had to watch me continually walk into deadly pitfalls as I got stuck on 'proving myself' when, truly, the only person's opinion that matters is mine. My son, of course, being a close second.

I am very sorry for all the pain I allowed while I had my head stuck trying to find 'replacement bulbs' when I need to be the light myself. I hate knowing I hurt you, made you feel like I did not care, and all the other horrible things that I just never fully realized until Toroth had to blatantly tell me.

We both have our countless number of scars. Though, with time, I hope we both can find love and acceptance in a world that makes it continually harder to do so.

Be well, Skye. Please know I accept your statements and do know that you never intend to hurt feelings. I just know I hurt yours and, for that, I can only ask that you allow me time to make up for my false sense of identity coupled with blatant ignorance.