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I wrote another story based on this awesome piece ( https://www.furaffinity.net/view/36304219/ ) by 
pansquatch about my poss girl Emily as a Green Lantern! I only intended for this to be a small piece just to get back into the swing of writing things but wouldn't you know it, it ended up being even longer than my last one. Comments, constructive criticism, advice is always appreciated! Thanks for reading!
pansquatch about my poss girl Emily as a Green Lantern! I only intended for this to be a small piece just to get back into the swing of writing things but wouldn't you know it, it ended up being even longer than my last one. Comments, constructive criticism, advice is always appreciated! Thanks for reading!
Category Story / All
Species Opossum
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 72.1 kB
Listed in Folders
I enjoyed this, Emily. Short and sweet. A cute, super origin story. Halligator got me good.
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Positives: I appreciated a lot of your characterizations. Really let me get a good feel for each personality you touched on with little explanation. Got a good, sad kid, a protective dad, Em with her exasperation in her world of heroes. And I loved our deliciously campy villain. All good things wrapped in a brief fiction.
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A criticism: Watch for passive sentences. They can sometimes bog down big action scenes. Here's a quick example:
"But they all seemed to be huddled around a figure
wearing a completely mismatched outfit, almost appearing as though he was hovering above the
ground."
'Be huddled' pulls action and agency from our grunts. As if it's happening outside their control, if that makes sense. A quick edit to "seemed to huddle" makes the sentence more active.
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All in all, a lovely superhero short story. Great work, Emily.
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Positives: I appreciated a lot of your characterizations. Really let me get a good feel for each personality you touched on with little explanation. Got a good, sad kid, a protective dad, Em with her exasperation in her world of heroes. And I loved our deliciously campy villain. All good things wrapped in a brief fiction.
---
A criticism: Watch for passive sentences. They can sometimes bog down big action scenes. Here's a quick example:
"But they all seemed to be huddled around a figure
wearing a completely mismatched outfit, almost appearing as though he was hovering above the
ground."
'Be huddled' pulls action and agency from our grunts. As if it's happening outside their control, if that makes sense. A quick edit to "seemed to huddle" makes the sentence more active.
---
All in all, a lovely superhero short story. Great work, Emily.
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