Jamie is a young man stranded on a strange island together with a small group of people who seem to be of same age. The group is stranded on their own with only two backpacks containing a few rations, a pair of combat knives, blankets, flint and tinder. Nobody remembers how they landed on the island. They seem to know each other, despite the fact that most of their memories were purged. Jamie quickly realizes that the others do not really like him and want to be rid of him, so he keeps his distance while also depending on them for survival. He keeps quiet about the strange tattoos suddenly appearing on his right arm and back, something he's sure he did not have before, so as not to alert the group.
In contrast to the others, Jamie is not very sporty and a bit chubby. He is a nuisance to the rest of the group, who are all athletic, and in Jamie’s eyes, beautiful. Kira is the only one who takes pity on him and decides to leave him a knife when the rest of the group decides to sneak away.
Jamie has to learn to survive on his own, in an unfamiliar environment, populated by creatures that have long been extinct. He has no choice but to fight for his survival. The chubby young man becomes, through illness and lack of food, a thin, sinewy fighter who learns to withstand the hostile environment. This comes to a surprise to the group, who had believed that he died when they abandoned him.
Although the young man had most of his memory erased, he still remembers that he was not raised by his birth parents. Unfortunately, he no longer remembers from whom. He also remembers that his mother is dead and that his father still lives although he never has met him. But this, his name and the feeling of always being an outsider is all he can remember in the beginning. Any other information is like a black hole that has been torn into his memories. In his dreams he sometimes has flashbacks of his past.
Jamie is a very empathic person and has always had a good relationship with animals. Over time he gains the trust of a black Utha Raptor and befriends her. He names her Willow.
In contrast to the others, Jamie is not very sporty and a bit chubby. He is a nuisance to the rest of the group, who are all athletic, and in Jamie’s eyes, beautiful. Kira is the only one who takes pity on him and decides to leave him a knife when the rest of the group decides to sneak away.
Jamie has to learn to survive on his own, in an unfamiliar environment, populated by creatures that have long been extinct. He has no choice but to fight for his survival. The chubby young man becomes, through illness and lack of food, a thin, sinewy fighter who learns to withstand the hostile environment. This comes to a surprise to the group, who had believed that he died when they abandoned him.
Although the young man had most of his memory erased, he still remembers that he was not raised by his birth parents. Unfortunately, he no longer remembers from whom. He also remembers that his mother is dead and that his father still lives although he never has met him. But this, his name and the feeling of always being an outsider is all he can remember in the beginning. Any other information is like a black hole that has been torn into his memories. In his dreams he sometimes has flashbacks of his past.
Jamie is a very empathic person and has always had a good relationship with animals. Over time he gains the trust of a black Utha Raptor and befriends her. He names her Willow.
Category Story / Miscellaneous
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 102 x 120px
File Size 32.7 kB
Saving the text with the encoding UTF-8 will make the question mark symbols disappear. So to do that you have to open the .txt file and save it again and there will be a encoding dropbox and select UTF-8.
Well, an exciting story, Really good visuals and good internal characterization. Your expressing that stranded survival aspect really well.
I know you didn't really ask for the critique, but there are two very apparent nasty habits holding back your good story and story telling potential. They'll take time and practice though to shake, so not going to happen over night.
1. Repeating paragraph sentence structure: Jamie blank, Jamie blanked, Jamie Blanked, the blanked, the blanked. So after draft take a step back, look, and find new ways to approach your paragraphs. Think of how you can use action and description to lead a paragraph. You definitely have that action and description in you as you have it packed awesome elsewhere, its just developing habits to get your paragraphs flowing from one to another. It will help show your story instead of tell it.
The second transitions: Transitions are hard. You rely on temporal transitions, but because this is a story of survival and passing time it is essential to the story to get over "boring time" quickly. Finding ways to transition through action is always stronger narratively then temporal transitions, but there are plenty of times in this story where it is acceptable. The big issue is just to make sure you don't temporally transition back to back which you do several times. In your edits when that happens pick one and drop the other.
Still you got some cool and strong stuff brewing in here and I think you can do a lot with your writing.
Well, an exciting story, Really good visuals and good internal characterization. Your expressing that stranded survival aspect really well.
I know you didn't really ask for the critique, but there are two very apparent nasty habits holding back your good story and story telling potential. They'll take time and practice though to shake, so not going to happen over night.
1. Repeating paragraph sentence structure: Jamie blank, Jamie blanked, Jamie Blanked, the blanked, the blanked. So after draft take a step back, look, and find new ways to approach your paragraphs. Think of how you can use action and description to lead a paragraph. You definitely have that action and description in you as you have it packed awesome elsewhere, its just developing habits to get your paragraphs flowing from one to another. It will help show your story instead of tell it.
The second transitions: Transitions are hard. You rely on temporal transitions, but because this is a story of survival and passing time it is essential to the story to get over "boring time" quickly. Finding ways to transition through action is always stronger narratively then temporal transitions, but there are plenty of times in this story where it is acceptable. The big issue is just to make sure you don't temporally transition back to back which you do several times. In your edits when that happens pick one and drop the other.
Still you got some cool and strong stuff brewing in here and I think you can do a lot with your writing.
Thank you fot the nice critique.
I know my "repetaing" habits and try to get rid of them which is not easy =) but I am working on it, also I am no native English speaker which makes it a bit harder as if I write in my native language.
With transitions I often have the problem, that I have the feeling it is to abrupt if I leeave something out. Probably a habit I also need to get rid of to make it more fluent.
I know my "repetaing" habits and try to get rid of them which is not easy =) but I am working on it, also I am no native English speaker which makes it a bit harder as if I write in my native language.
With transitions I often have the problem, that I have the feeling it is to abrupt if I leeave something out. Probably a habit I also need to get rid of to make it more fluent.
Wow, your a fantastic writer!!! for writing this not being an English speaker. There are less language mistakes then I have and I teach people English writing.
Yeah, they are hard habits, you got the stuff to break them.
Transition: Back to back, down below is three transitions back to back.
"
Another hour passed, (could just start here ) -> his feet dragged across the...
The next morning (could start here) -> Jamie felt like his whole body was on fire, ...
The next few days (could start here or only use the previous next morning) Jamie was delirious. Drinking was the sole occupation...
Still your an awesome writer, writing some fun an imaginative stuff.
Yeah, they are hard habits, you got the stuff to break them.
Transition: Back to back, down below is three transitions back to back.
"
Another hour passed, (could just start here ) -> his feet dragged across the...
The next morning (could start here) -> Jamie felt like his whole body was on fire, ...
The next few days (could start here or only use the previous next morning) Jamie was delirious. Drinking was the sole occupation...
Still your an awesome writer, writing some fun an imaginative stuff.
FA+

Comments